Is it wrong to be sad even when you have all sorts of material comforts and a loving family? I’m depressed and anxious and often empty, and hate myself for feeling this way because I feel like I’m being ungrateful for all that I have. #Depression #Anxiety #empty #Guilt #ungrateful
I feel incredibly ungrateful sometimes, in my loneliness. Because the truth is, there’s always someone there, right? But just never the right person. I miss being in Love. I miss sharing my life with someone. But I can’t seem to make myself engage with anyone just to chase away the lonely. I try so hard to make sure that my actions are not misleading. My landlord...I live on the same property. We live 12 miles from town. I don’t have a vehicle still, so I rely on him a lot for transportation. He is the same age as my father would be if he were alive. I feel like that alone should be the significant distinction as to our friendship can only be that of friendship.
But he’s alone in his life. As I am in mine. I helped him get sober while I’ve secretly sunk into more and more use. I wonder, should I just be grateful that somebody wants me around? Regardless of the reason? I only hesitate because it is myself that I doubt. Can I reciprocate honestly?
Honesty. That’s the paradox. Can I reciprocate honestly? No. Because my honesty looks more like, “I’m really glad for your company. I wish I had a best friend or family, or a significant other instead, but I don’t, so thank God you’re here “.
I know my problem is about trust. How do I trust anything? I trusted the wrong people and it cost me everything. I was unprepared for the world, in terms of people out there who so self absorbed, or just thoughtless to realize the impact they have on any one person. How do you look into someone’s eyes and tell them they are your whole world, how do you do that and then just walk away? How do you let someone make decisions based on your secret lies? How do you stand by while someone bleeds for you, works tirelessly for your cause, how do you shed tears for your story that isn’t even true? I don’t understand it.
I’ve never understood why people seek Love with deceit. From little lies, like your age, or your weight, to huge lies, about finances, the truth will always come out. If lies are the thing that is keeping you were you are, then essentially, you’re not holding value in that space. A lie is. But not you. I can be anyone I was asked to be, but why would I? I want to be just me. I don’t want to be needed. I need to be wanted.
#Loneliness #honesty #PTSD #Anxiety
It really bothers me that I put so much thought into gifts every year. and get exactly what people want and ask for. And every year my husband buys things that I never ask for and wouldn’t want. Here the whole family is so happy and I’m holding a purse that is cute I guess but not at all what I would’ve bought or ever asked for. In fact I even sent the links to what I wanted. Why can’t I just be happy and move on?#Holidaysarestressful #ungrateful #Bpdisexhausting
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