empty

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I wish I could say my depression/anxiety has gotten better. I wish I could say my grief over losing my mom a year ago has gotten better…

The truth is; I feel much worse than ever. For many reasons, like reasons many of us have. I feel empty. Hopeless; lonely, lost…like everything is pointless. I GENUINELY feel I have no real reason to exist. I can’t come up with any reason. Not one.
When you attempt to share with others; or read things…you’re met with the “this is only temporary, the sun will shine tomorrow”, or “it’ll get better” and things along those lines.
But those things just aren’t true. Not when you’ve seen no change or truth to those words in 20 years. Does anybody else feel that way? I’ve felt this way for almost my entire life.
I’m not living…I’m existing. The normal advice of “find a hobby” or “travel” etc etc…it just doesn’t help or work. Especially when you don’t have money to travel etc.
My loneliness runs deep…and the thought of being more of a burden creeps in. I’m not sure how to feel better; but I do want to feel better. I just want to be happy.
Anyone else?
#help #Depression #Anxiety #sad #lonely #Loneliness #empty

I have so much in life that I am thankful for and that should bring me happiness, but I have to mask. No seratonin, no dopamine. Just pretending. Fake smiles, forced laughter when inside I feel like I'm dying. What's the point in trying? I'm trying for those that love me. I see no reason to try for myself. My support understands. And they are here for me, yet I feel so alone and empty. #depressed #empty #givingup

You will never know how it feels to be me
Just breathing everyday feels like darkness is all I see
I’ve never felt normal with those around me
I just can’t help but to wish they would all accept me
Why can’t you understand my mental illness controls me
Stop saying I need to be happy like everyone should be
I wish I was absent sometimes so I can stop explaining myself
But leaving will make everyone think I gave up on life itself

❤️I love you and I’m proud of you❤️ #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ButYouDontLookSick #Depression #Community #normal #empty #Empathy

I get very angry because I am frustrated at my own decisions. I beat myself up about the friends I kept and how they took advantage of me. I don't know why I am so angry when my mum is just trying to help. I think it's more to do with the fact I don't want these problems and I should never have to deal with them in the first place.

I kept bad company in my late teens and was getting into a lot of trouble. I need to remind myself that none of the decisions I made are my mothers fault - I need to start taking ownership of my own life. I was involved with the wrong crowd and I have to accept that nothing positive comes from that type of existence. I know it is difficult to come to terms with and I am deeply sorry for my decisions.

I want to stop getting angry at my mother and stop blaming her for all the negative events that were inevitably going to occur. I was not cut out for that life and my parents were trying to warn me before anything happened to me. Luckily I managed to survive without any major life changing events but I am left with the mental trauma that I am not equipped to deal with.

I need to stop getting angry and start living life on my terms. My time on this planet is not perfect and the decisions I make merely reflect an imperfect life.

#PTSD #anger #Depression #Sadness #Drugs #Addiction #Guilt #Friends #association #nobody #empty #assualt #Trauma #Pain #hurt #betrayal #lies #Truth #hate #End #time #Life #Happiness #dreams #Love #Positivity #Support #Love #Rage #control

Not like anyone cares, why am I writing this??
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Every time someone who I’m not that familiar with comes here, it’s torture. I have to stay in my room all day or else I try too hard to pass as masculine every freaking time I come out of my room, just so I won’t be called “she” or “miss” or “girl” (it’s a horrible feeling). But now I feel like I’m STILL not passing because I’m already feeling so horrible because of the flea problem that I APPARENTLY SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ONE TO HAVE IN MY ROOM AND NO ONE ELSE’S and now I lack the energy because I’m so furious. We can’t afford a veterinarian for our cat, either.

And the whole someone coming over and fixing things is supposed to happen for the next 2 days as well.
So that’s fun. (/sarc /neg)
And I already feel empty inside just from today.

And it’s going to be up to 74 degrees the days after that, which usually I would be excited for, but honestly the whole bug thing has gotten me so sick and tired of these nice days that I just want it to be cold already! (Not like it will kill the fleas anyway, I’m so freaking mad about learning that 😡😡)

#sad #Autism #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #GenderDysphoria #anger #empty #fml

I wish that my bed, my pillows, and my dog could talk. they would be the only friends I needed. I'm tired of going into the outside world and getting disappointed when I could just lay in my bed all day sleeping with my dog. #tiredofliving #feeldepressed #empty