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The nights are the worst 09-05-24

By societies standards, I should feel great. I should be grateful than my life was saved. I should be thankful that nurses and doctors put hours and hours of labor into my corpse and I am grateful but I do also feel guilty. I don’t want them to feel like their work was all in vain, but at the same time I struggle but I don’t struggle like people would think that I’d struggle I don’t have issues with money. My wife left me two weeks in the hospital stay so I no longer have relationship issues although it was a toxic relationship and kind of glad I don’t have those issues.

Of course, the loneliness of things sets in. The nights bring memories of things I did in my past that were fun times spent with friends now time spent with my ex-wife where we weren’t fighting and things were good.

My uncle left me his house of which I now live in, which would be a blessing if he hadn’t passed away here if I hadn’t found him in this house if the walls didn’t reek of my uncle. Every night here is torture. Knowing what happened what suffering took place here.

Im in pain, not physically but mentally emotionally I don’t know what to do. I want to run but I don’t know where to? crawl out of my skin.

Ive felt many pains over the last few years, but never the pain of what I feel now, I feel I’m one step closer to going catatonic. Life’s finally broken me, people tell me to get out, where do I go? And no offense I don’t want to be around other people like this.

find a hobby they say, what? At the moment in life I enjoy nothing.

You’re just being difficult they say, you don’t value how lucky you are. No I know how lucky I am however my luck came with a curse. Money can’t cure my heart, money can’t bring me happiness. Money can’t find me companionship or connection that lasts longer than a day.

take a trip, where? I don’t want to leave my house

therapy, I’ve tried several, they don’t tell me anything I haven’t already thought about myself in my mind.

And believe me I feel like I’ve tried all of the above, why I may have had fleeting instances of joy and happiness soon I had to come back to reality.

I’ve tried the medication I take 15 different ones for my heart my physical pains I was left with, my kidneys liver just about everything, I have a partially artificial heart and a machine that keeps my heart beating. I’m covered in scars from the vampire scars on my throat where the ventilator was and the medicine tube was, down ny chest and the xxs on my stomach and back I had lines coming out of for months.

Whats wrong with me? Have I just come to the end of my road?

I apologize for these jumbled thoughts they’re from a mind of a sleep deprived individual who’s barely hanging on by a thread.

im not even sure if im looking for some inspiration that might help or save me as I’m not sure there’s much left to say or do that could help that already hasn’t been said I think I’m just leaving these notes so if by some stroke of magic change happens and everything turns around I can look back and remember where I came from. Or if i simply can’t carry the weight anymore at least I’ll have said something and my friend and family will have closure, they’ll at least know how much i suffered inside and that im free and onto greener pastures.

#Suicide #Depression #self #alone #Pain #Life #Journal #PTSD #Broken #empty

32 reactions 8 comments

Do you ever feel lonely sometimes or randomly sad/ heavy?

I guess lately I’ve had feelings like that feeling a little numb or empty I’m trying to be present and mindful I also feel a little scared about losing my family or parents like I would survive emotionally without them even though really I just want them to have a long life. #lonely #sad #random #numb #empty

1 reaction

“It’ll get better, it’s temporary, there’s so much to live for”…what to do when none of those seem true? Help

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I wish I could say my depression/anxiety has gotten better. I wish I could say my grief over losing my mom a year ago has gotten better…

The truth is; I feel much worse than ever. For many reasons, like reasons many of us have. I feel empty. Hopeless; lonely, lost…like everything is pointless. I GENUINELY feel I have no real reason to exist. I can’t come up with any reason. Not one.
When you attempt to share with others; or read things…you’re met with the “this is only temporary, the sun will shine tomorrow”, or “it’ll get better” and things along those lines.
But those things just aren’t true. Not when you’ve seen no change or truth to those words in 20 years. Does anybody else feel that way? I’ve felt this way for almost my entire life.
I’m not living…I’m existing. The normal advice of “find a hobby” or “travel” etc etc…it just doesn’t help or work. Especially when you don’t have money to travel etc.
My loneliness runs deep…and the thought of being more of a burden creeps in. I’m not sure how to feel better; but I do want to feel better. I just want to be happy.
Anyone else?
#help #Depression #Anxiety #sad #lonely #Loneliness #empty

107 reactions 53 comments

What's the point?

I have so much in life that I am thankful for and that should bring me happiness, but I have to mask. No seratonin, no dopamine. Just pretending. Fake smiles, forced laughter when inside I feel like I'm dying. What's the point in trying? I'm trying for those that love me. I see no reason to try for myself. My support understands. And they are here for me, yet I feel so alone and empty. #depressed #empty #givingup


Mental Health Poem

You will never know how it feels to be me
Just breathing everyday feels like darkness is all I see
I’ve never felt normal with those around me
I just can’t help but to wish they would all accept me
Why can’t you understand my mental illness controls me
Stop saying I need to be happy like everyone should be
I wish I was absent sometimes so I can stop explaining myself
But leaving will make everyone think I gave up on life itself

❤️I love you and I’m proud of you❤️ #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ButYouDontLookSick #Depression #Community #normal #empty #Empathy

2 reactions

Anger Problems

I get very angry because I am frustrated at my own decisions. I beat myself up about the friends I kept and how they took advantage of me. I don't know why I am so angry when my mum is just trying to help. I think it's more to do with the fact I don't want these problems and I should never have to deal with them in the first place.

I kept bad company in my late teens and was getting into a lot of trouble. I need to remind myself that none of the decisions I made are my mothers fault - I need to start taking ownership of my own life. I was involved with the wrong crowd and I have to accept that nothing positive comes from that type of existence. I know it is difficult to come to terms with and I am deeply sorry for my decisions.

I want to stop getting angry at my mother and stop blaming her for all the negative events that were inevitably going to occur. I was not cut out for that life and my parents were trying to warn me before anything happened to me. Luckily I managed to survive without any major life changing events but I am left with the mental trauma that I am not equipped to deal with.

I need to stop getting angry and start living life on my terms. My time on this planet is not perfect and the decisions I make merely reflect an imperfect life.

#PTSD #anger #Depression #Sadness #Drugs #Addiction #Guilt #Friends #association #nobody #empty #assualt #Trauma #Pain #hurt #betrayal #lies #Truth #hate #End #time #Life #Happiness #dreams #Love #Positivity #Support #Love #Rage #control

10 reactions 3 comments

This is torture | TW anger, dysphoria, some all cap text, fleas, empty inside #venting

Not like anyone cares, why am I writing this??
Every time someone who I’m not that familiar with comes here, it’s torture. I have to stay in my room all day or else I try too hard to pass as masculine every freaking time I come out of my room, just so I won’t be called “she” or “miss” or “girl” (it’s a horrible feeling). But now I feel like I’m STILL not passing because I’m already feeling so horrible because of the flea problem that I APPARENTLY SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ONE TO HAVE IN MY ROOM AND NO ONE ELSE’S and now I lack the energy because I’m so furious. We can’t afford a veterinarian for our cat, either.

And the whole someone coming over and fixing things is supposed to happen for the next 2 days as well.
So that’s fun. (/sarc /neg)
And I already feel empty inside just from today.

And it’s going to be up to 74 degrees the days after that, which usually I would be excited for, but honestly the whole bug thing has gotten me so sick and tired of these nice days that I just want it to be cold already! (Not like it will kill the fleas anyway, I’m so freaking mad about learning that 😡😡)

#sad #Autism #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #GenderDysphoria #anger #empty #fml

1 reaction 3 comments
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Feeling like you aren't worth it.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm just a pawn in a game. And the game is life. But I'm one of those game pieces that nobody ever uses and eventually gets lost, and never found or remembered. I feel as though if I left this world, nobody would care or think of me when I was gone. The universe seems so fake, and so do the people and things in it. Everything seems so unrealistic it's unreal. I have an invisible hole in the middle of my stomach that I can constantly feel. Some days I can barely feel it and I forget about it, other days I can feel it so badly that it physically hurts.

Know that you are important. It is so hard to believe and I feel like a hypocrite for even saying this because I can't even take my own advice. It's weird trust me, but I feel as though everyone in this world has a purpose except for myself. It makes absolutely no sense I know. I can't even explain it. But I think that everybody who hasn't experienced it yet needs to wait a little longer. I know that waiting sucks ass. I know that you want your chance to come now to really figure out who you are, and what you are here to do, but from what I've learned; waiting is the key to life. But don't think waiting is the only key. There's a whole ring of keys left. You just need to find them and hopefully, they will help you along the way. I haven't found my keys yet. I hope you find yours. #Depression #empty #youareworthit

1 reaction 1 comment


I wish that my bed, my pillows, and my dog could talk. they would be the only friends I needed. I'm tired of going into the outside world and getting disappointed when I could just lay in my bed all day sleeping with my dog. #tiredofliving #feeldepressed #empty