Wanting

I had a dream last night. My Childhood Best Friend and I were in this game and on the same team. Once it was over... I returned to the child I use to be. Dropping only hints and afraid to actually call or touch her to let her know I wanted her attention... I floated on a blow up in the water next to her as all her attention was on everyone else in the pool. How she use to just watch, answer and giggle... How much I wanted to be in that world instead I sat in fear, frustration, and pain. I threw her the picture of our winning picture and stormed off. Hoping... Waiting... Wishing she'd follow me to figure out what was wrong... She never came, she just sat wide eyed and confused...and of course the wave of guilt that came over me to go back and apologize. Apologize of my behaviors. That I yelled, walked away, wanted her attention. Not good enough... Not being good enough to have her attention... That I didn't deserve having it. That I needed to be more but... I never grabed the next bar up to be that good. I didn't deserve her as a friend... I didn't deserve anyones attention.... #BestFriends #tired #Wanting #Dream #Nightmares

Why do I have the desire to please one woman, it seems I’ll do anything to make her happy and when she gets upset with me I suffer from anxiety and start to slip into a depression. How should I deal with this and continue living my life as a busy person?

I wish my mental health didn’t get in the way of my natural beauty inside and out.
By this mean no obsessive behaviour , no under black circles under eyes constant thinking, afraid to show my smile, being intense, not bothering to brush hair sometimes, no to being shouty . ( aka no nice plaits or fish tails) x
#Wanting #wish #MentalIllness #Work #Inprogress