Two nights in a row, I stared down at my body, angry and ashamed of what I saw. Two nights in a row I woke up, seconds after falling asleep, and was choking on bile and vomit. I am scared to tell anyone how I really feel. So I say "I am not feeling good" I am scared to let people know what is really going on inside my head:
Fat. Lump. Lazy. Worthless. Gross. Disgusting. Slob. Dirty. Bloated. Whale. Elephant.
Gods know I have tried to change my mind. I have tried to smile at my reflection. I have worked at making myself happy.
I'm not.
I hate this me.
I love who I am. I love my generosity, creativity, ingenuity, and perseverance.
I hate this lump I have as a body.
Knees and hips always in pain, period cramps that make me throw up, back, head, neck, shoulders, always hurting, and morbid obesity the main culprit.
Stomach always in pain, so I eat to stop it, but I gain weight, and that makes me hurt more, so I do less, so I hate myself more.
I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I am not feeling good.
I throw up.
A lot.
At night. During the day. When I eat. When I don't. I can make myself do it almost on command, without gagging myself, or I control it and don't.
I have bulimia and anorexia, and an emotional eating disorder, but I don't talk about it or why my doctors diagnosed me with all 3.
I don't tell people that every time I eat I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like I should get the food out of my body. Some times I am so grossed out by the idea of food I cannot eat and if I force myself to, then I throw up. And some times I literally binge until I am no longer upset, then I hate myself for eating everything I ate, and throw up until I feel I am no longer bloated and gross.
I am tired of feeling so bad about me.
#Bulimia #Anoxia #weightshame #weightproblems #EatingDisorders