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Weight issues #weightproblems

So I’ve been struggling with my weight all my life I’ve never been small but I’m not big either, right now I eat under 1500 calories a day and I go for walks 3x a day for a minimum of 15 mins. I have ibs, I’m lactose intolerant and adhd. With the food I eat, I should be dropping weight with no problem.
The thing is over the past 2 years I’ve gained up to 20 pounds. I started two years ago at 140 ( great weight) as of today I’m 166 (it’s okay)
On the BMI chart I’m obese, like being 5 foot even doesn’t work with the chart and I know that.
It’s just a little frustrating when I get all these tests done like my thyroid and it comes back normal.
And no one can explain how me eating healthy ( living with a dietitian) and going for walks 3xs makes me gain weight
Does anyone else struggle with this #weight #UnknownDiagnosis #frustrated

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February is Coming

#FebruaryFeels #Birthdays #ValentinesDay #BipolarDepression #Thanotophobia #Insomnia #weightproblems

February is around the corner. Soon I will be turning 35. I'm still dealing with thanotophobia (death anxiety) and bipolar depression. It causes horrible insomnia. However, I am focused on the wonderful things that February can bring, and the feelings it brings to me.

1.) I am upset with my weight, but I am trying hard to deal with it mentally, and then work on things physically. I have to be in the right mindset before I do anything to handle my weight. I have to be prepared. I never had this problem in my life, up until I turned about 25 years old, and I began to gain weight. I was told that I have #hypothyriodism and it does not seem to get me in a strong position to lose weight naturally.

2.) I need to continue to focus on creating a night time routine to handle my depression symptoms, and fix the problem of insomnia. This leads me into number 3.

3.) Self Care. Positive mental mindset in approach to how I am going to deal with my weight, and the fear of death/dying or loved ones passing away (including pets).

I know that the future is bright, despite the problems I face. February always made me feel good, and it also always brought me into a "new year" because I reach another year of survival. I am looking forward to slow-changes in the coming months, and I am trying to establish a new routine that I would love to get some feedback on as far as staying active. <3


#BipolarDisorder #weightproblems And the Push/Pull

There are some things in this world that when we think about them, we feel like we're falling apart with it. There are other things that when we think about them, we feel we are connecting ourselves together. Today I am feeling a mixture of both happiness and sadness at war in my mind. The mind dualism is worse than the mind and body dualism.

It is that push & pull feeling or the flip and flop of the mind. I wish I could feel a lot better than this, but the battle is always happening, no matter what kind of medicine that is given to me to treat these disorders, and no matter what I endure that is full of happiness. Usually, the higher the swing goes, the lower I fall.

I spend my time watching other people post things online that are funny, such as what they are doing in their lives, and try hard to stay away from the ones that post those skinny-fake photoshopped Instagram bodies that are unrealistic to the everyday society. I see thicker people more often than I do seeing the thinner people. I used to be 145lbs on average for a long time. Now I’m over 180lbs. It feels disturbing, but I was never one to be a “joiner” as a child or young adult.

I do not go to a gym, and I do not go outside in the Florida heat for a bike ride. I own exercise equipment that normally will sit in my living room, as it is not encouraging to use the equipment while my husband sits on the couch eating a bowl of ice cream and snuggled up with the dogs in a blanket. I was not even happier when I was thinner, but I rather just thought that I was.

I had more attention from men, and I felt sexier in my clothes and felt like I could have my hair and nails done and walk around without feeling like I was to be judged negatively. Unfortunately, now with a little extra weight, and on medicine from bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, and panic disorder, I do not always feel so human. I feel like I am just struggling to get by and stay stable enough to get out of bed in the morning.

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"I am not feeling good"

Two nights in a row, I stared down at my body, angry and ashamed of what I saw. Two nights in a row I woke up, seconds after falling asleep, and was choking on bile and vomit. I am scared to tell anyone how I really feel. So I say "I am not feeling good" I am scared to let people know what is really going on inside my head:
Fat. Lump. Lazy. Worthless. Gross. Disgusting. Slob. Dirty. Bloated. Whale. Elephant.
Gods know I have tried to change my mind. I have tried to smile at my reflection. I have worked at making myself happy.
I'm not.
I hate this me.
I love who I am. I love my generosity, creativity, ingenuity, and perseverance.
I hate this lump I have as a body.
Knees and hips always in pain, period cramps that make me throw up, back, head, neck, shoulders, always hurting, and morbid obesity the main culprit.
Stomach always in pain, so I eat to stop it, but I gain weight, and that makes me hurt more, so I do less, so I hate myself more.
I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I am not feeling good.
I throw up.
A lot.
At night. During the day. When I eat. When I don't. I can make myself do it almost on command, without gagging myself, or I control it and don't.
I have bulimia and anorexia, and an emotional eating disorder, but I don't talk about it or why my doctors diagnosed me with all 3.
I don't tell people that every time I eat I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like I should get the food out of my body. Some times I am so grossed out by the idea of food I cannot eat and if I force myself to, then I throw up. And some times I literally binge until I am no longer upset, then I hate myself for eating everything I ate, and throw up until I feel I am no longer bloated and gross.
I am tired of feeling so bad about me.
#Bulimia #Anoxia #weightshame #weightproblems #EatingDisorders