There are some things in this world that when we think about them, we feel like we're falling apart with it. There are other things that when we think about them, we feel we are connecting ourselves together. Today I am feeling a mixture of both happiness and sadness at war in my mind. The mind dualism is worse than the mind and body dualism.
It is that push & pull feeling or the flip and flop of the mind. I wish I could feel a lot better than this, but the battle is always happening, no matter what kind of medicine that is given to me to treat these disorders, and no matter what I endure that is full of happiness. Usually, the higher the swing goes, the lower I fall.
I spend my time watching other people post things online that are funny, such as what they are doing in their lives, and try hard to stay away from the ones that post those skinny-fake photoshopped Instagram bodies that are unrealistic to the everyday society. I see thicker people more often than I do seeing the thinner people. I used to be 145lbs on average for a long time. Now I’m over 180lbs. It feels disturbing, but I was never one to be a “joiner” as a child or young adult.
I do not go to a gym, and I do not go outside in the Florida heat for a bike ride. I own exercise equipment that normally will sit in my living room, as it is not encouraging to use the equipment while my husband sits on the couch eating a bowl of ice cream and snuggled up with the dogs in a blanket. I was not even happier when I was thinner, but I rather just thought that I was.
I had more attention from men, and I felt sexier in my clothes and felt like I could have my hair and nails done and walk around without feeling like I was to be judged negatively. Unfortunately, now with a little extra weight, and on medicine from bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, and panic disorder, I do not always feel so human. I feel like I am just struggling to get by and stay stable enough to get out of bed in the morning.