Anoxia

Hi my name is Andrea. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Bi Polar Disorder, Major Depressive Episode, Depression, Suicidal Ideation, Cardiac Arrest, & Anoxia Encephalopathy. I have already read some wonderful posts on dealing with the feelings I have. Thank you for the invitation and thank you all for having me. #mentalhealthmatters #iwanttobebetter

So I did it.
I woke up, got out of bed and spoke my truth.
So many years of silence, of memory repression.
They truly end here!

I found the second interview less traumatic than the first, knowing we had an interview plan allowed me to focus only on those memories.
This is something I wouldn't have been able to do a few years ago.

I came back from the interview and had a nap, I never nap but talking about that kind of early childhood trauma first thing in the morning totally wiped my energy for the day.. no fibro spoons left today!

I know I should make a proper dinner... But today that seems too much.
I've noticed that it Massively effects my appetite, every time I speak to the police about what happened to me as a child it temporarily fluxes my now mostly latent anoxia.

I'm good at self caring and spotting my triggers now days.
So even if I don't make a proper dinner, I will eat something! (Don't know if I'm telling that to the mighty or myself lol)

I'm So, So proud of myself!
The process of reporting childhood ritualistic abuse is the hardest task I have ever undertaken!
The other day a young person used a quote that my departed mother used to say, that applies here.
"Life/God doesn't give you any challenges that you can't handle!"

I believe that.
I know not many could live through what I did and come through it Kind Hearted..
But I am Kind.

I know that not many people could get 8 years of repressed childhood memory back without therapy.
Well with the help of a psychology G.C.S.E and the strength of a Warrior I did!

I know that most people need medication to deal with the symptoms I live through every day.
I found for me medication stops me being able to write and process my trauma. So over the years I've learned how to manage the symptoms of my trauma with just the occasional vallium.

I know not many of us Survivors manage to find the strength to come forward and report the horrific things we endured.
Oh and that deathly silence that trapped my soul was a place I lived in for so, so, so long,, I thought I'd be there forever.
I feel a sense of freedom now the truth is finally being spoken!

I know I'm unique in my processing ability and emotional intelligence (my now therapist has told me so at every session)
But I truly feel my trauma and life made me this way, so I could get my memories back and be the one to take them down!
expose their vile rings and the 'big boys' they cover up for.
This will not continue.
I Will Not Be Silenced!
Today I stand in my Power,
No longer voiceless!

#PTSD #CPTSD #Depression #BipolarDepression #significant childhood trauma #ChildhoodAbuse #coping #Survivor #warrior #CheckInWithMe #Upallnight #Anoxia

I don’t do well with sudden change. Even small changes like a disruption in the daily normal routine. So this week has been hard. My husband picked a different schedule this week. So instead of his normal leaving for work in the morning and coming home in the late afternoon. He now leaves in the late afternoon and comes home late at night. Now normally this doesn’t seem like a big deal. For me is was apparently a huge deal and sent me in a spiral. This small thing. And yesterday he told me I was just choosing not to a thing that I enjoy. Today he tells me that I’m just choosing not eat. I’ve struggled with #Anoxia and body image issues sense my teenage years So what? Am I just choosing it all? Yeah your right. I’m the one choosing not to do things. I’m the one choosing not to eat. I’m the one choosing to cry almost non stop everyday for no reason. I’m the one choosing to be sad and upset everyday. I’m choosing it all. I’m choosing to be miserable and unhappy. Yep. Instead of being happy and enjoying things and life and food I’m choosing to do the opposite. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I was unaware we could just choose these things? That we could just choose the opposite?

Two nights in a row, I stared down at my body, angry and ashamed of what I saw. Two nights in a row I woke up, seconds after falling asleep, and was choking on bile and vomit. I am scared to tell anyone how I really feel. So I say "I am not feeling good" I am scared to let people know what is really going on inside my head:
Fat. Lump. Lazy. Worthless. Gross. Disgusting. Slob. Dirty. Bloated. Whale. Elephant.
Gods know I have tried to change my mind. I have tried to smile at my reflection. I have worked at making myself happy.
I'm not.
I hate this me.
I love who I am. I love my generosity, creativity, ingenuity, and perseverance.
I hate this lump I have as a body.
Knees and hips always in pain, period cramps that make me throw up, back, head, neck, shoulders, always hurting, and morbid obesity the main culprit.
Stomach always in pain, so I eat to stop it, but I gain weight, and that makes me hurt more, so I do less, so I hate myself more.
I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I am not feeling good.
I throw up.
A lot.
At night. During the day. When I eat. When I don't. I can make myself do it almost on command, without gagging myself, or I control it and don't.
I have bulimia and anorexia, and an emotional eating disorder, but I don't talk about it or why my doctors diagnosed me with all 3.
I don't tell people that every time I eat I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like I should get the food out of my body. Some times I am so grossed out by the idea of food I cannot eat and if I force myself to, then I throw up. And some times I literally binge until I am no longer upset, then I hate myself for eating everything I ate, and throw up until I feel I am no longer bloated and gross.
I am tired of feeling so bad about me.
#Bulimia #Anoxia #weightshame #weightproblems #EatingDisorders

My BPD has been really good for a while, but that’s really because I’m coping through it my major restriction! My eating has gone so far down hill I didn’t even realise till it got bad. today I have a weigh in with my dietitian and I know I’ve lost a bit. I’m so scared she’s going to be so upset with me but I know inside of me I’m going to be proud and my ed will say good job but it’s not enough. so scared #Anoxia #EatingDisorders #boarderlinepersonalitydisorder #CheckInWithMe

My eating problems are starting to creep back into my mind. I had my beautiful daughter 2 months ago and i know I have to eat to be able to continue to breastfeed her. I just catch myself staring in the mirror seeing my stomach isn’t as flat as it used to be, or my clothes not fitting like they used to.

So I got my Anorexia diagnosis about 5 weeks ago. I’ve not really processed it yet I guess. I’m on a waiting list for a clinic. The waiting list is at least 6 weeks so I could be a while on that. My girlfriend says she’s proud of me. She noticed the little weight I have gained but it’s so difficult for me to process that and I don’t think she understands. My first thought is always oh no. Look at me. I have this little tummy growing. I don’t like that. I need that off. But then I stop and think.

I need to gain that bit of weight. I’m at an unhealthy weight, I want to be able to get back into my sports, I want to last a whole day without napping from pure exhaustion of lack of food.

I love but hate looking at my body. I love looking at all the bones and what appear to be abs like structures on my stomach but I also see those other bones like my shoulders and spine and say oh god. I look really bad there and then I’ll also see parts of my thighs where I see them as too big when I sit down.

I’m still working on it. Some days are harder. This evening is harder. I want that muffin but I don’t want it. #Anoxia #Anxiety #Depression #living #Surviving

I'm finally at a place where my body image isnt horrible. I've been working to get here for about a year and a half. and I'm at a place where it bothers me a little but it doesnt make me restrict!!! I've been eating consistently for over a month and havent restricted once!!! a few weeks ago I felt hope for the first time. that i might actually recover. and today I actually referred to my ed as something in the past!!! Also, my PTSD isnt acting up as bad. and thoughts of self harm and suicide are still there... but I'm able to fight through them as well! I'm so thankful for God giving me the strength to get here. I never thought I'd make it here. and I also thank my friends and mom who have supported and encouraged me through this. #ED #Avoidant /RestrictiveFoodIntakeDisorder #ARFID #Anoxia #AnorexiaNervosa #AtypicalAnorexia #Recovery #GodInTheMidstOfSuffering #Support #SupportGroups #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #PTSD #CPTSD #PosttraumaticStressDisiroder #Selfharm #Selfinjury #Suicide #suidicalthoughts

I struggle with ed, and it's been a long road working in recovery. But I've made it through four weeks of not restricting or starving once. it's been hard, but God has given me strength to push through the hard days/times and keep up my eating. I know eating is really what recovery is about. And I've actually been working on recovery in other ways. One was deleting the photos I had of me when I was at my smallest. Also I had to set my mind that even when I dont want to or I dont feel ready to work on recovery, I need to persevere anyway. cause I wasnt gonna ever fully feel like it or like I could do it. Another was connecting how I used ed as control. I felt myself loosing control over being able to restrict and starve myself. and it scared me to death to loose that control. I had been trying to eat more and eat the goal for myself to eat like I used to. but it'd been so long that I didn't know what normal was to me before ed. I also let my family and friends set expectations for me that became my own as well. so I was so focused on the amount I ate that I forgot to work on my mental state. and the other thing I did and am still trying to do is admiting to my friends when I'm hungry. I got so used to ignoring my stoumach that I don't even think about it now. and I'm trying to fix that. and admiting it to someone else helps. for me I tell people I know who will ask me if I can eat but not push me if I say I cant. sometimes I need to just wait until later to eat. my therapist also has had me keep a food journal and set alarms to eat. I was hesitant about both at first. but they are helping me. I still get a little scared when I see myself in the mirror... but for the most part God has blessed me with being able to push it out of my mind. sometimes it's still hard though. when I feel like I eat too much and need to cut back and like I'm loosing control I remind myself that where I was wasnt good. I wasnt happy or doing any better. I was worse. I didn't feel like I had control. and then I'd remind myself that God has control not me... amd so I didnt need to control my ed. the sunday before last, I felt for the first time since my ed that I can overcome this. I feel like I might be able to break these chains. I never felt that before then. anyway! I'm doing better then I have for years even though its ridiculously tough! if you are a Christian I'm asking that you pray for me. and if not, then thank you for being here for me and for the support. I appreciate all of the support yall have given.🖤 #ED #Recovery #EatingDisorders #Anoxia -RestrictiveFoodIntakeDisorder #ThankYou #SupportGroups