WhyDoIMessUp

I try to put on this facade that I’m doing OK... when I’m not. Its never really left my mind, that I’m not good enough, that everyone actually hates the person I am, I just bring everyone down. So yeah I do feel like a burden. I can’t live up to anyone’s expectations. Maybe that’s why I’m so unhappy. I haven’t talked about these feelings with my therapist, but they’re really haunting me, and I just want to get rid of these poisonous feelings. Nothing seems hopeful right now I just land up falling between the cracks, like I always do and failing at my existence. I just can’t do this anymore... I badly want to cut.

I do whats best for me then i suddenly feel like i did the worst thing, I was smiling 2 seconds ago and now i want to crawl up into a hole

I feel like every time I cry and open up to the ones I love they can’t stand the suffering in my voice. They have their own problems no one can hear me cry? It hurts so bad. Am I selfish? I feel like I only see my pain. I got this illness from my mom. My life is so empty now. Thank goodness I have the man I love care so deeply for me but I’ve lost my kids due to my illness my life is so lonely and empty everyday I want to die. It’s so hard to keep going everything I do is wrong and I end up hurting others. I feel like if I never existed my family would have been happy. Everything that’s happened has been my fault. No matter what I do I can’t find any joy in this life.

My boyfriend and I started dating January 14, 2018. I remember the date exactly because the year before on January 13th I had decided my life was no longer worth it.
This year on January 13 I meant to make that day different and went skydiving for the first time. The adrenaline rush and amazing view of God’s creations reminded me of how lucky I was to be alive.
The next day I went on my first date with my boyfriend. We clicked and I have loved him with every part of my being. Two days ago.. after kissing and hugging me goodbye that morning , at 9pm he said I can’t take this anymore and walked out. I should mention here he has PTSD.
He said he felt I was too
Selfish of his time and scared to say anything ever without making me upset and had felt that way since July. Just 2 weeks ago he asked me to move in with him. I am devastated and being bipolar this has been a definite trigger. I just wish I was normal. Maybe then he would have stayed.

Meeting