I was just browsing on LinkedIn since I am still theoretically job searching (even youh I haven't applied to a job in 6 months). A few connections were suggested to me and I realized that my reason for not connecting with them on the app is because I am ashamed of where I'm at in life.
I was a top student in high school and my undergraduate studies. I did struggle with depression, but poured myself into my studies and really enjoyed learning and research. It became clear within a few years that the profession I had a degree for wasn't the best fit for me, but my skills were transferrable and I found other (less stable or well-paying) jobs. After a few years, I did a one-year graduate diploma (essentially half a master's degree), and despite recent onset ptsd from a relationship with a narcissist I still managed to excel.
Following that, I worked and volunteered in Asia for a few years before starting a master's degree as an international student in Europe. I had always loved studying and this is what I'd been working toward for a few years. However, everything quickly unraveled to leave me where I'm at today.
I'm working part time in a job that doesn't even require a degree. I have not been able to complete my master's degree. I am isolating from loved ones and from the possibility of building any new relationships. I'm living in a region I don't like (partly because of connection to my trauma), but feel stuck here. I don't have either insurance or enough income to afford consistent therapy.
And then I see my past colleagues on LinkedIn. I read about their job and education updates and it makes me want to run and hide. How can I have gone from being so successful to where I am now? Or was I never successful at all and it was just an illusion? What can the future hold for me?
I recently posted about a possible promotion at work and I think it actually increases these feelings of shame since this was never a job I even wanted in the first place and it just reminds me every day of how far I have fallen. Taking the promotion feels like accepting that this shame is here to stay - it doesn't matter if I'm successful in the position or not because just the position itself makes me feel ashamed (it's a perfectly good job, but this is just my personal internal struggle).
#ashamed #Shame #Work #Education #Lifestory #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #MentalHealth #Relationships