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Badly triggered, in a pit of misery #recovering #emotionalpain #Hurtinginside

My husband said something today that triggered a memory of something so catastrophic I was never even able to bring it up in therapy. It happened about 15 years ago and I’m confident it won’t recur . Yet it triggered me so badly I’ve been shaking ever since. I hate how I feel. I hate the reminder that I’m recovering from domestic abuse. I hate the fact that fifteen years later it still makes me feel so yucky. Help me climb out of this misery #DomesticAbuse #recovering #tryingsodamnhard #miserable #triggered #forgiveand ...

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#lonley #Hurtinginside ##PTSD

Despite doing everything I want (I died my hair purple) and the freedom of leaving a DV relationship... I feel so lonely it's hurting on the inside. I so badly want to be held and hugged to sleep... I just want to feel safe again and not just know it in my head.... I wanna stop hurting.... I want the flashbacks to stop.. I want the negativiy in my head to stop..... I just would like someone here who gets me.... I feel so alone in this world.... I feel liklike a failure anand that I'm not worthy..... #alone #paincattack

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This sentiment bothers me.. #Depression #borderlinepersonal

People who use the sentiment of its it's never easy/smooth that's why its it's so rewarding in the end. I understand the idea of well working hard is what gives you feeling of a compliment and peace in the long run. But let me tell you what it tells me...

It tells me that its it's never going to get easier all the hard work crying and tears. Are forever going to stay with me. To get used to being abandoned and used and depressed and sad. Because that's how life is. There is no getting better.. and in the end it just confirms to me. I did not sign up for a life where o dont get to finally be at peace... I dont want to live in a life where every time i think I've gotten to a point where i can relax and feel at peace fear that right around the corner is my fall.. NO NO i dont want it. It just makes me want to not exist more. It makes me want to die. I dont wanna live this way. It hurts too much its it's not worth it hurting this much. #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #hurtfulwordspeoplesay #Hurtinginside #DependentPersonalityDisorder



I have this friend, we use to work together but now due to how our schedules are set up we pretty much just email one another now. It feels like a joke on what we use to have. And honestly I feel like emailing back and forth is just prolonging The inevitable. How do I nicely tell them our friendship isn’t working? #Friends #Hurtinginside #Advice


29th Blow Up

I haven’t been myself in a long time, and this morning I wasn’t feeling up t any kind of association with people, but I was going to force myself to do it anyway. Long story short, my mom and I got into it because I didn’t care to open up. I began to feel like she was coming down on me like before about my outlook on life, and kind of made it about her in the beginning. Whenever this happens, I panic because it always starts with me getting yelled at, but at that point, I unloaded everything. All of the anger, frustration, the tears, everything. We were calm by the end of it, but I’m still in a wreck about it. I went home and laid out on my bedroom floor, by this time my emotions are running really high. I can’t think of anything else, I couldn’t stop crying, I began to injure myself, then I started drawing on myself. The negative thoughts never stopped, but progressed. I could get all the commendation in the world, but will still feel lower than dirt. All that pops up is:” You idiot, stop crying.” “No ones going to love you.” “ Why can’t I die?” “You’re worthless.” “You’re not important.” I’m just in too much emotional pain at this point, I just feel like nothing I will ever do is enough... I’m not enough. #Depression #emotionalpain #Selfharm #panic #MentalHealth #Hurtinginside #cryingonthefloor #frustration #Grief #anger #Pain #NotOK #NegativeThinking #NegativeThoughts #negativeselftalk


I lost a friend

I know the answer but it doesn’t help me feel better. I had a best friend , we were alike but also so different and we got along so well. It was like I’d found a soulmate but in a platonic friendship. I was Christina and she was Meredith.

A year ago she started seeing a coworker in her department (I also work there) and everything changed. This guy is married on paper, has a young son and basically the last year as been them on/off for a few weeks at a time and slowly she started destroying every friendship, burning every bridge until it was just me and another mutual friend. Right before thanksgiving I’d had enough, just enough of the lies and the manipulations and the constant pity party she perpetually lives in. She has pretty bad anxiety, and I do too but I always had worse depression. I’m an addict (clean 8 years) and all I saw from her was an addiction, not to a substance but this guy.

She started being depressed and got into therapy but she can’t seem to get over this guy. Toward the end she always told me “just ask me, don’t ask other people, I’ll tell you the truth”. So I did one day and she lied right to my face. Funny thing is, all parties involved have PUBLIC social media so I put 2 and 2 together. I called her out and she gave me this sorry, not sorry crap of “I was going to tell you, but I heard you talking to someone about me so I didn’t think it was worth it”.

I’m imperfect , I shouldn’t have talked to someone else about it, and I admitted to it. But I just got so tired of arguing, I just said I’m done. I’m done hurting, I’m done wondering if you’re lying to me, I’m done being guarded against you. I’m done.

But, I miss my friend. It was like a gift finally finding a good friend who had demons like me and understood them. This whole year, I’ve had some gnarly stress, anxiety and then I get depressed and then I feel numb. My other best friends, I love them dearly ❤️ and they do their best to support me and also my boyfriend, but they’ll admit they don’t understand and just make sure I’m ok. I’m hurting because I can’t just text her or send her a funny meme I know she would love. I won’t though, I cut her out for a reason and I’ll stick to it and eventually I’ll feel better.

I just needed to vent, it hurts and I’ve just felt so anxious and down and like I can’t take a deep breath. The only time I feel better is when I hear about something she did and I get angry all over again and then I’m clear, at least until I’m calm again.

#Anxiety #Depression #Hurtinginside #Recovery #lost #Friendship


Big issues just too much to type #Family #betrayed #Hurtinginside #CheckInWithMe

Life changes when one family member dies... the balance falls out of place and I have been deeply hurt in a turn family gossip-


Why can’t people be polite?

Yesterday at work, a complete stranger lit into me for wearing an “offensive “ fragrance. ( no one has EVER told me that my choice of fragrance was offensive) Apparently this person was allergic to fragrances- I IMMEDIATELY apologized, went to the rest room and literally scrubbed my arms and upper body, hoping to minimize the strength of the fragrance. When I came out of the rest room I informed the customer I would stay on the opposite side of the room. She immediately replied that I should not even bother as I had already filled the ENTIRE room with my odor.. odor- (as if I had rolled in cow manure) I apologized again, She went on to inform me, in a very nasty tone, that there are several residents who happen to be highly sensitive to fragrances, that she was “sorry” but that was the case- to which I replied she should not be sorry, that I was the one who needed to apologize because I was unaware of her sensitivity. At this she angrily replied that I SHOULD be sorry, that I may find my fragrance appealing, but she happens to think that it was awful, and how dare I be so rude to think that I had the nerve to subject others to what found appealing, even though she found it “disgusting “!
I left the room obviously, went to another bathroom, and cried while again trying to scrub the “offending” odor off of me.
I understand that people may have sensitivities that make them uncomfortable, but just wow! As if I woke up yesterday and said to myself- “hey, I think I’ll take a shower, spray a couple of shots of something that smells nice (and happens to make me feel a little bit uplifted) on my body, and hopefully I can make someone who’s sensitive to it, have an awful day, an perhaps ruin their life...”
It truly makes me wonder if there is something about me that people believe makes it ok to treat me so nasty, even when they don’t KNOW me? This woman was a complete stranger to me. She has no idea what my life is like, what kind of person I am. What it took for me to straighten my shoulders, dry my eyes and walk out the door to work that very morning! She is old, lives in retirement community, ok? So I’m supposed to know NOT to offend her?
I believe in my heart that ALL people deserve respect and dignity. I even feel special consideration to elderly, “grey headedness is crown of beauty “ the scriptures say. But was it necessary to belittle and humiliate me? Especially after I had shown myself to be so accommodating, and conciliatory? Could she have been polite to me? Did she have to be so MEAN?!
If she knew me, she would know that I have never been rude or unkind to anyone who I didn’t know for a FACT was a complete creep. I’m opinionated, I can be loud, and if you’re a bully, I WILL make it my mission to DEMOLISH you for abusing others, but NEVER would I treat a complete stranger in such a shameful manner! I did not, nor did I EVER deserve such an attitude..
I know I should not take it personally, but it still hurt #CheckInWithMe #Hurtinginside


I love all of the poems.. #suicidal #Selfharm

hopefully I xan get my nerve up to post one of my poems. I love poetry. I loved all of yours. I could really relate to many of them. #Hurtinginside #givingup #hopelessness #overwhelmed