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Finding the Right Fit, From Inclusion and Beyond: A New Day Program for Jessica after 20 Years.

This is our daughter Jessica's story and the narrative for many adults who require assistance with all daily living skills and have a severe intellectual disability.

Finding the Right Fit

It's bewildering how we lose the dedicated funding and energy invested in including individuals like Jess in public schools once they reach age 21. Typically, opportunities for Jess and her peers in adulthood confine them to self-contained classrooms, with most activities being exclusionary. Finding the right fit after an inclusive public school education is difficult.  

When our daughter, Jessica, was born in 1982, we didn't know she had a diagnosis. She was our teeny first baby. Jess came home from the hospital weighing less than five pounds, yet she was born near her due date. We called her Peanut at the time. We discovered, much later, that Jess had a rare chromosome deletion and was delayed in all her milestones. Our daughter, age 41, cannot care for herself, uses a wheelchair, is non-verbal, and has a severe intellectual disability. Jessica is also the brightest, most joyful star in the room. 

Early Education

 Jessica's early education encompassed numerous schools and classrooms. Federal Early Intervention for Infants and Toddlers was not enacted until 1986. It was still 1982, and we enrolled Jessica in a local infant stimulation program for babies with developmental delays. She transitioned to a special education classroom in a center for children with special needs at age three, and at age five, she went to a school district Board of Cooperative Education (BOCES) program. The program was over 30 minutes from our home, and Jess remained in that program, which moved from district to district until she was twelve.  

Meanwhile, I worked with our local education district, Committee on Special Education (CSE), to include Jessica in our neighborhood middle school. Like the line from the old TV show, "Cheers," we wanted everyone to know her name.   At Jessica's CSE meetings, we planned intensely for her return to the district and entry into middle school. The school prepared to welcome its first student in a wheelchair.

Success

One of the first times I knew this was a success was when I took Jessica to our local food market. Some of her peers were in the store, and instead of getting the "who is that in the wheelchair" glare, we received a warm greeting. The kids approached Jess, called her by name, and said she attends my school. This gesture brought tears to my eyes.  

High school was quickly approaching, and in our and the district's opinion, Jess needed another change as she prepared for graduation and adulthood. Full inclusion in high school would not have the same benefits as in the lower grades. We believed Jess would not get the same opportunities for friendship and socialization in a secondary school math or science classroom.   

Once again, Jess returned to BOCES, but this time, the setting was in our neighborhood school. Her teacher, Leslie (Les), set up a reverse inclusion program whereby interested high school students entered Jessica's classroom and assisted. Jess joined the chorus during high school and participated in other typical activities. She still hums the music scales learned in high school chorus over 20 years ago.

Prom Date!

Jessica's next transition was to an adult day program. At her adult program, we hoped that Jess would feel useful, have friends, laugh, hum familiar tunes, and continue to maintain the goals she achieved in high school and strive to reach new heights.   Adulting in Jessica's world is far different than in public schools. The regulations are less rigorous than in public schools, the staffing requirements are inconsistent, inclusion is non-existent, and the hope for daily experiences in the community has yet to come to fruition.  

WHAT WAS ALL THAT INCLUSION FOR  

Many of Jessica's peers, who have more life skills, are in supportive employment and other inclusive community adventures. Yet, individuals who require more daily assistance often get stuck in exclusionary settings.    Jessica's original adult day program started differently. They explored the community, took field trips, and left the building. We connected with many staff and developed relationships.

A lot changed after Covid, and Jess was out of the program for nearly three years. A few months ago, I visited Jessica in her current classroom, saw the lack of interaction and activity, and knew it was time for a change.

The system is broken. New staff often enthusiastically start their positions, hoping to make a difference in somebody's life. Yet, the red tape and restrictions usually knock them down. This profession requires a significant level of responsibility, yet the wages provided are not commensurate. 

Adult programs require a culture of creativity, respect, collaboration, and encouragement. Our daughter, Jessica, loves meeting new friends, cherishes music, and enjoys outings. A way to incorporate more community activities into a daily program should exist.  

Jess has been in the same day-habilitation program since graduation in 2003. After##@ 20 years, we have decided to transition to a new program.  

We HOPE for the future.#RareDisease #Parenting #Transition #SpecialEducators #SpecialNeeds #dayhab #dayprogram #Disability #IDD #Hope #FamilyAndFriends @amanda-buck @amanda-hvass @amanda-snyder @breecoffey @cherieehlert

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Going home #Depression #Relationships #Anxiety #PTSD #FamilyAndFriends #MentalHealth

I’m waiting at Manila airport for an overnight to go home. It’s been a whirlwind 3 weeks in Indonesia, Malaysia and The Philippines. I have lost count of the number of intense conversations, helping people sort out their lives and finances.

Now as we board the final flight I am so excited to be going to familiar faces and places. Growing up “home” was a place we avoided at all costs. It was violent and unpredictable. Home today is so different.

I have discovered over the years that “home” can also be a relationship with a friend, a happy place, a favourite coffee shop.

Who or where do you feel most at home?

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What’s your name? #Depression #Anxiety #Relationships #FamilyAndFriends #Hope #Shame #MentalHealth

What’s your name? People and life might try and call you many names. Names like, forgotten, broken, damaged or unworthy. They are not your names. Your name is also not hopeless, too much, victim or unwanted.

Your name is “precious, worthy, loved and unique “. You are a work in progress whose time to shine will come. You are not just a survivor but a thriver. You are not alone. You matter. Call the negative labels out for what they are, lies.

Hope calls your name!

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Constant struggle

It still hurts because it still effects me, and others. And to process this will open my eyes and hopefully not repeat this again #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #FamilyAndFriends

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Power of love #Depression #Anxiety #Relationships #Caregiving #FamilyAndFriends #Love #MentalHealth

I have been at the Orphanage in Indonesia for 6 days now. I am pretty exhausted. As well as teaching staff I have been conducting one on one financial counselling appointments with the staff, utilising my skills from my financial planning days.

Yet, energy seems to be replenished from interaction with the amazing children and staff. They are so grateful for the support and nurturing they receive. Some of their history is quite distressing but they focus on tomorrow and are grateful for today.

These has been an amazing opportunity and I am so gratified for the opportunity to be part of changing lives.

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The Real Luxuries

Yes, these are all wonderful! As we travel talk to family and friends, they are experiencing some of the same things with family members. They have brothers and sisters and other family members who they were close to at points in time, but aren’t any longer. Ones that they no longer associate with.

We all agree that we just got tired of the BS and the drama. We don’t have to live with that..I personally would rather surround myself with people who I feel simpatico with, and those that make me laugh, those that have gratitude, those that are positive individuals..

I started thinking about this drawing, and I realize these are stress releases. These little luxuries/indulgences, also make us grateful for the simple and uncomplicated things in life.

Things don’t have to be epic drama, or confrontations, and discord with others! I prefer peace..I should work to project and perfect that in my life.-What type of person do I want to be seen as? Project positive, and then,that’s what returns. #MightyTogether #FamilyAndFriends #Selfcare

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The face of hope #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #Relationships #FamilyAndFriends #MentalHealth

After two long flights we arrived the orphanage in Indonesia. One of the children I was looking forward to meeting was a young girl named Abigail. One of my Granddaughters is named Abigail and not much older than the child I met today.

Abigail came to the orphanage through tragic circumstances. One of the orphanage founders was in a local village when she saw a baby being thrown out of a house window. The baby landed, unhurt, in a garden bush. When she scooped up the crying baby her mother came out of the house and said she wanted the baby to die because they already had children and couldn’t provide even for them. The mother begged to have the baby taken into care at the orphanage. She was grossly underweight and very ill. Her first 3 months in care were a constant medical battle for life. Today she is healthy, very happy and thriving.

Sometimes we can feel like life is throwing us out a window. Know though, you are loved, you are valuable, you matter. Someone cares for you!!!

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Feeling Isolated and Excluded

I am feeling profound sadness because I am learning that my daughter is being systematically excluded from my husband's family. Despite my persistent efforts to integrate her into our extended family's social circle, she is constantly excluded from birthday parties and playdates.

Time and time again, I extended heartfelt invitations for my husband's cousins (they were all raised like siblings in the past) for them to join us and bring their children to my mother-in-law's house for my daughter and their children to have a playdate (as me, my husband and my daughter live in another city), and always invited everyone for her birthday parties. I always made it very clear that I wanted them close, and that my daughter loved to be around them. Yet, despite my repeated reminders, they consistently disregard her, almost never extending an invitation to her for their own events or celebrations.

Recently, I learned that one of their children was hosting a birthday party to which my daughter was not included. I could not understand why.

The one time she was invited, it was a bittersweet experience. She stood on the sidelines, as the parents who were hosting the party called the other children of the family together for a group photo, and simply left her out, they did not call her for the photo. During the same event, my daughter struggled with the noise and commotion of the party, and she would always ask to go to the bathroom or somewhere calm or put her hands in her ears to try to calm herself, despite the challenges, she insisted she wanted to stay because she was so happy to be included in the party. Instead of offering comfort or understanding, the grandmother of the child who was having the birthday party (my husband’s aunt) laughed at her distress.

My daughter, like my husband and myself, is neurodivergent. I can't help but wonder if her differences – her unique way of experiencing the world – are what drive this hurtful treatment.She is extremely sweet and well behaved, she just has a hard time with noise (and she gets nervous just when it is extremely loud, she attends other birthday parties of her classmates and she is completely happy). And she also has a hard time socializing, so probably her cousins don't think she’s fun to be around. But there is nothing wrong with her, it hurts as hell to realize that perhaps her adult relatives don't want her around because of her unique way. Me and my husband are not fun to be around, we are strange to most people, and I understand that the adults of the extended family don’t make an effort for us to be around, but extending that exclusion to my daughter is heartbreaking.

Does anyone have a similar experience? I am so sad and feeling so isolated by this experience, I would like to hear it from you. Thank you for your time.

#Neurodiversity #Depression #FamilyAndFriends #ADHD #Autism #SensoryProcessingDisorder

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Heroes #Depression #Anxiety #Relationships #FamilyAndFriends #heroes #MentalHealth

As I reflect back on the 63 years I have walked this life I am astounded at the heroes I have encountered. People like the old construction worker who I encountered on my walk to high school. We had a school camp and as he saw me walking with my small suitcase encouraged me to go home and patch things up with my parents. In spite of reassuring him I wasn’t running away and was going to a school camp he told me, “Charlie knows, and if I just talk to them it will be ok”.

Sunday school teachers who put up with my disruptive ways and saw potential beyond a hypo kid.

Doctors and nurses who have looked after me through 16 surgeries, and done so with genuine care and compassion.

My Wife who has visited me countless times when I have been in hospital. Family and friends who stood by me through a horrendous 3 year legal battle without wavering. Fellow patients in psych wards who offered encouragement and hope.

Mr Wells who rode a horse and buggy to deliver fruit and vegetables to us when I was young.

People here on The Mighty who have been amazingly generous with encouragement.

My Wife’s Grandmother who survived the concentration camp at Auschwitz and lived without bitterness or anger.

My congregation who know my mental health journey and support me without judgement or glib opinions.

God, who has never forsaken me or let me down, even though I have let Him down countless times.

Who is your hero?

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