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My sunday....fun day..

Trying to apply DBT therapy to my current mood. My therapist would say...I decided to say forget you, to my skills and stay miserable! Ugh.... #Depression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #abandontment #issues #mylifeofdisorder #needtohalfsmileandaccept


The story continues.

Scene: a little girl kindergarten age is with her sister two years older. They’re both upset. You can hear a man and women fighting and arguing they are hiding in their mothers bedroom trying to pretend nothing is happening.

Enter mother

Mother: come on girls were leaving.

Mother ushers girls outside. She bring the younger girl across a four lane road leaving the older sister at the stairs to the apartment.

Mother: hold your thumb up like this (instructs girl to hitchhike) and come get me when a car stops okay? Can you do that for me sweetie?

Younger girl holding up thumb to hitchhike her sister still across the street standing at the foot of the stairs. Mother goes back inside to continue arguing.

Sister still outside at the foot of the steps: come back! (Large hand gestures)

Younger girl still with thumb out: but mom said..

Sister: no come back!

Unsure the younger hair girl listens to her sister. Looking both way to carefully cross the street. She’s never cross a road so large by herself before. She’s scared. They both are. The sisters stand at the stairs wondering if they should go inside or not. The door to the apartment was left open. Adults are still arguing.

They decide to go in. While standing in the doorway the man comes to them. He kneels down to speak to the girls.

Man: I would never hurt you I just hate your mother.

He leaves. Mother leaves. We’re alone.

#childhoodptsd #ChildhoodAbuse #boarderlinepersonalitydisorder #abandontment


Did you love me ?who am i ? #BPD #abandontment #

You say youl never leave me .you ment youl stay as long as I'm not acting on my pain .you never loved me you loved the person you thought you would make me to be .you kept pushing me but was not there to catch me when i fell .you say im dificult as if Im not the one who lives in my head all the time.and stop saying im doing good just because im not showing my pain and im making your life simpler by not having to deal with my problems does not mean the pain is soo much.somtimes i have to take a step down to regain my balence I rather jump then crash you can call it self sabotage but when life is a broken roller coaster you need to feel some controle of your fails and falls .and im sorry you could not fix me i guess its because im not broken im just bent.and the feelings are never the same and i think feelings are a cycle you feel pain so you are impulsive and then you feel shame from the behaver and your back to were you starded .and you know what somtimes the best way to understand a person is to understand that you don't understand them .you tell me to love my brain but how can i love somthing that will never love me back or most of all how can i love somthing I don't know.am I that sweet kind person you said I was yesterday or am i that art seeking manipulated you said I was today?is feeling every single emotions or not feeling any at all worst.i keep changing day after day minute after minute.i want to think good about you and i used to be able to cuz you would alwase be kind after being mean .but now you just left me and ofc i know i deserved it very much .but I wish you can just talk to me one more time .beacuse now when it comes to who you are and who you made me and whats good or bad all im left with is my imagenation #BPD #abandontment