I had someone ask me to tell them one thing about me that was a positive personality trait. I couldn't do it. I had been having a bad day and it seemed to me everything I was doing was falling apart in my hands so my mothers voice (the woman who verbally and physically abused me till I was 15) was playing it's games and on mega blast.
My son is graduating in less than a month and all I can think about is that I am losing one of the last living things from his father (his father died by suicide in 04).
I know I should be proud because I have done so much but I feel like I am still so behind.
So I've been trying to pull myself out the depression, that comes after a majorly triggering and retraumatising 6months. I've been doing this via 'Positive Proactivity' setting up an activity a day that I can get out of bed and aim for..
I had to flee my local area, so now I'm trying to get to know people and build a support network in a different county, it's challenging in covid-times.
it's meant jumping head first into as many support groups, causes, art projects and charities I can engage with..
I'm really proud of myself for making such leaps from not being able to get out of bed (2weeks ago) to volunteering, reaching out for personal support at the same time as making a new social group.
The only issue is pushing myself so hard has caused my fibromyalgia to flare, I had kidney failure 3months ago and I need to remember I'm still recovering from that to!
I struggle to find the balance between body and mind.
I did change my plans an not go badger watching tonight, I'm learning to let people know and stop before I push myself into a full on flare up and a month of being bedridden.. thats progress for me!
I should be proud of myself ive achieved so much in the last 10days!
Yet I find im still kicking myself a bit that I pushed myself into a flare up.. I always take it like a failure when I have a flare up, it's like apart of me still subconsciously sees my fibro as a 'weakness' or a personal failure. I'm learning that is not true, it's just a question of balance!
Scene: a little girl kindergarten age is with her sister two years older. They’re both upset. You can hear a man and women fighting and arguing they are hiding in their mothers bedroom trying to pretend nothing is happening.
Mother: come on girls were leaving.
Mother ushers girls outside. She bring the younger girl across a four lane road leaving the older sister at the stairs to the apartment.
Mother: hold your thumb up like this (instructs girl to hitchhike) and come get me when a car stops okay? Can you do that for me sweetie?
Younger girl holding up thumb to hitchhike her sister still across the street standing at the foot of the stairs. Mother goes back inside to continue arguing.
Sister still outside at the foot of the steps: come back! (Large hand gestures)
Younger girl still with thumb out: but mom said..
Sister: no come back!
Unsure the younger hair girl listens to her sister. Looking both way to carefully cross the street. She’s never cross a road so large by herself before. She’s scared. They both are. The sisters stand at the stairs wondering if they should go inside or not. The door to the apartment was left open. Adults are still arguing.
They decide to go in. While standing in the doorway the man comes to them. He kneels down to speak to the girls.
Man: I would never hurt you I just hate your mother.
He leaves. Mother leaves. We’re alone.
Scene: lights come up, a young girl around five or six years old stands alone with messy long brown hair, barefoot, pink and yellows power rangers night dress. She looks blank, maybe nervous, sound of arguing starts, the words are slurred and muffled, you can infer they’ve been drinking, she begins tip toeing around unsure if she should run for her room or confront the adults, she wait peeking around the stage. The voices get louder becoming more aggressive and angry. SMASH, SLAM, girl runs off with tears in her eyes.