childhood abuse

Does anyone else struggle with knowing that good memories don't outweigh bad ones? That even though you were abused the good memories don't make it okay? How do you get out of this trap?

I do not miss my abuser nor do I not want him to go unpunished but it's difficult to describe. Can someone help with this? This is starting to make me feel really down and set back.

#PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ChildhoodAbuse #Complex

It’s a wonder what being loved can do. It can heal and give you a place to rest. It can also give you memories that you thought you worked on. As my fiancé and I were talking and he was once again telling me what I mean to him, I began to cry. I was never spoken about that way and had someone mean it. While I was glad he said those things they also dug up painful memories.
My abuser was a family member and it got me thinking why he couldn’t love me the way my fiancé does. Why couldn’t he have spoken to me from a place of genuine affection? Why couldn’t he have protected me instead of hurt me? Why couldn’t he understand that his actions have an effect on me? All these why questions kinda sent me into an emotional mess. To be clear, I do not miss the abuser at all but I guess I’m not healed enough to not let words of love be tainted by memories of abuse and trauma.
Perhaps love can help us remember what happened in a context of safety. I can’t say I was triggered in the sense I was frightened. More so triggered in the emotional sense. I know my fiancé did not do that on purpose. He never would. He has done more for me than anyone. And I love him for that more and more each day.
Being open has taught me that not all people are out to hurt me like I thought. There are good people out there that love me despite my past. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones. Once again my fiancé taught me a valuable lesson: Love can trigger but it can also show you your value as a person. My hope is that someone can love you with a tenacity that makes you feel safe and heard. Be open with your loved ones. They only want to help. After crying the way I did I felt much better. It gave me the space to process my emotions. So don’t be afraid of love and words of encouragement and love. Trusting can be hard after abuse but it is possible. I believe in you. Thanks for believing in me. As always stay safe and reach out for help if you need to. We are here for each other.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Love #Healing #Hope #ChildhoodAbuse

Sometimes the memories of the abuse I experienced as a child come up unexpectedly. I become so focused on the abuse I experienced as an adult (though it was a continuation of the child abuse) that I neglect the fact that I experienced abuse as a child. More recently, I began to have memories of the little things that made me feel unsafe and insecure. As an adult I was sexually assaulted but as a child I was sexually abused by a family member. I no longer have distressing vivid flashbacks but I do have thoughts of what happened. These thoughts bring up emotions that I thought I dealt with.

I have been in therapy for a couple years now and while I have done a lot of healing I still struggle with healing my inner child. Perhaps by addressing my childhood emotions and memories I can create a clearer path towards healing as an adult. Addressing my childhood trauma and just saying that out loud makes me sad.

I am lucky to have my support system. The more these memories and feelings come up and the more I work through them the more I can accept certain aspects. I'll admit that I struggle with wanting closure and answers. Maybe that is my inner child looking for help. Having a support network that understands my trauma has helped tremendously. The more I can acknowledge my childhood trauma and the types of abuse I experienced the more I can move forward.

Being a survivor of both #SexualAbuse and #EmotionalAbuse has taken a toll on me as well as having various mental health conditions including #PTSD . Does anyone have any tips on addressing childhood trauma? No one wants to hear that a child was being abused but the fact is, it does happen. It happens a lot. Sometimes in families. I love my family because they have been with me through most of my healing journey and they accept me. They don't treat my differently because I was abused. With their help I can overcome anything. For this I am grateful.

My hope is that one day my childhood trauma won't effect me as much as it does now. I am no longer an abused child but a strong and capable adult. Thank you to everyone that has supported me both on and off of this site. Just being acknowledged and believed is instrumental in my healing journey. While I still struggle with the effects of the abuse such as low self esteem and over apologizing. One day I know that I will reach my goals. You can reach yours too. I believe in you. Thank you for believing in me and for replying to my post. It means a lot. It shows me that I am not alone on my journey. We are here to help, listen to and support each other.

I am inspired by each of your stories and I hope you are inspired by mine. Together we will overcome!

#ChildhoodAbuse

I was sexually abused throughout my younger childhood. I have now been married to my husband for 10 years. I told him for the first time that I was sexually abused as a child. It’s been five days he won’t talk to me. He’s very upset at me that I have not mentioned this. I feel so helpless. I wish I would’ve never said anything. What do I do and where do I go? #Marriage #ChildhoodAbuse #Trauma

If you are afflicted with cPTSD, I strongly suggest any of the books by Pete Walker. Aside, relationships are problematic for us so what happens if your relationship is with an abusive bipolar partner? The abuse was verbal, mental, emotional not nearly what I experienced as a child, but it feels just as bad. Upon telling this to my therapist he declared that is one of the reasons I’m not ready to divorce said partner. I caught my partner sneaking through my phone in the middle of the night and that, as difficult as it was, gave me the chance to set my boundaries and take my Self back. We had been sleeping separately and I did tell him we are not together, I have never told him we are now together but since then he has had medical reasons for needing to sleep in our shared bed. I permitted this as long as we had clear space separation and now he is trying to wiggle back in to my life as if nothing happened. I do not trust this man, and I feel as scared to speak to him as I would my father. Again, my therapist says this is a reason I’m not ready to divorce him. My question is, should I get a new therapist? This man had abused me for 15 years and he insists that even if I’m to divorce, this isn’t the right time I’m not stable enough. I feel very sure about this… #Advise #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #BipolarDisorder #spouse #ChildhoodAbuse #Marriage #Therapist

I used to minimize myself and my accomplishments. I used to think that I was the trauma. That I was as bad as they said I was. I bought into all of it. Growing up I was uncertain of what was happening but now as an adult I understand, somewhat. I don't think I'll ever understand entirely. I am still working towards acceptance of this. In therapy I have made great progress in terms of healing but there is a part of me that demands an explanation or at least an apology.

I know that I can't make them do anything but I just wish they'd understand that there actions have a profound effect on to this day. I wish they knew a lot of things about their behavior but they are adults too. After a lot of therapy and self-reflection I am slowly beginning to see my worth and that I am more than the trauma. I am not disgusting because of what happened and I am not to blame. I have nothing to be ashamed of any longer as that is on them. I did the best with what I had as a child and that was enough.

It was not my responsibility to protect myself then and even as the abuse continued into adulthood, it was still on them to stop. Yes I tried fighting back but that failed. Until I spoke up and now I am free. Free from abuse. I am more than what was done to me. It has taken me a long time to realize this. I no longer have to hide my past (but I am selective about who I open up to). I no longer hide my mental health either. I am determined to stand strong and show others that it is possible to make a life for yourself. You can do it. It won't be easy but it is possible. I could go back to the way I was which was angry and resentful but that will do me no good. I wish you all the best. You are more than the trauma you endured.

#PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2019 in a psychiatric hospital after a suicide attempt. I told the psychiatrist that I had been sexually abused and assaulted. I was unaware that I was experiencing PTSD symptoms at the time such as avoidance, nightmares and flashbacks.
He asked me how I felt about myself because PTSD can make you feel bad about yourself. I did not realize that the abuse I had experienced was that horrific and terrifying. I was too focused on surviving. When I was sexually assaulted I was dissociated and felt disconnected from the situation. Dissociation is another common symptom.
My PTSD symptoms come and go and I am still learning about my triggers but when I am triggered I feel an impending a sense of dread. My chest tightens and I struggle to breathe. My anxiety is ridiculously bad and sometimes I just want to run away or I lock up and freeze.
I know these survival mechanisms serve a purpose but I wish I could stop being trapped in survival mode and just live. I have days where even my anxiety medication cannot help. PTSD has changed my life but I’m not sure if it is for the better. It slightly annoys me that I developed this because of what someone else did. But what can I do? I am doing exposure therapy to try and overcome my fears but I still get triggered.
I just want to be able to not get triggered and not have to be haunted by intrusive thoughts. But again, what can I do? Sometimes I even trigger myself. Again I just wanted to share with a community that understands.
#PTSD #SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #ChildhoodAbuse #Trauma

I might be doing fine, but it just feels terrible. My anxiety is through the roof. It's been at excruciating levels for over a week.

I woke up around 5am, went to the bathroom, and then went back to bed. In the following hour, my dream included dark, icy ocean waters, which caused me to wake up in a panic. This is probably the most common representation of my trauma in the dreamspace.

This past Saturday I attended Christmas at my mom's house. It was more pleasant than usual because I was able to bring 3 of my chosen family members for the first time. Everything felt more balanced.

This winter I started a couple new projects that are very important to me and bring meaning into my life. I have had to make new connections with others in order to move these projects forward and I find this to be terrifying, despite having had only positive interactions thus far.

Related to these projects, I made a mistake and communicated a falsehood to someone close to me. I have since corrected this mistake and apologized for neglecting to fact check the information before sharing it with them, but the guilt and shame I feel is overwhelming.

Recently I completed a writing project where I describe the physical abuse of my childhood. Through this I gained an even more clear understanding of why the freeze/collapse/fawn/submit responses were the only ones I learned to access. It feels really helpful and productive to participate in activities that exercise my fight and flight responses, like sports and combat based video games. I also need more practice with negotiation, and general interpersonal conflict skills.

These are the things bouncing in my head. If you feel led to share any advice or experiences, I know that this community has valuable insights. Regardless, thank you for reading. ❤

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anthropophobia #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ChildhoodAbuse #Christmas #Community