issues

When I figured out I was asexual, it was one of the most complicated events I’ve ever experienced. Especially because I had to explain how I felt to someone I loved— and I didn’t have a word for it back then. It was just, “something’s wrong with me... it’s not you it’s me, I promise... I don’t want to lie to you because I care about you.” He couldn’t pretend it had never happened, like I hoped he could but knew he couldn’t. It destroyed the best friendship I’ve ever had.
It took me awhile to forgive myself for hurting my best friend before we’d even called ourselves bf/gf. But it was 5 years before we got closure on the split. I learned he’d been in a couple of relationships, after his injured self esteem recovered. He learned I’d tried a few things with a few other people and still not had a sexual epiphany—I was still single and loving it. He finally could rest assured that he hadn’t been a bad partner or done anything wrong. And I could finally rest knowing he had been able to move on and I hadn’t ruined somebody’s whole life and self image (albeit I’d ruined 2 years). I felt so relieved after that, and I finally was proud to be asexual. After all, I don’t have to worry about the myriad complications with sexual/romantic relationships (no need to detail here). I don’t have to feel pressured to meet anyone else’s beauty standards but my own. I don’t have to share my body with anyone else.
But today when I heard from this now distant friend again, I realize I still miss us. We had everything in common, except sexuality. Today I wish I wasn’t asexual. I think about how happy and fulfilling our life together could have been—how I would’ve pursued my passions (music and environmentalism) because I had someone to pursue them with, how I wouldn’t have ended up throwing away my musical talents to try and do something more financially successful (I’m not financially successful btw). I’m feeling like I’m wasting what God gave me, like I should share me with someone else because I have something to offer, but I’m selfishly keeping it to myself. (I guess I’m fairly attractive as I’m complimented and flirted with somewhat often). If I could tolerate, let alone enjoy, intimacy and intercourse, my old friend would have been the one. I’d be able to give my mom grandkids. I know she wants them really bad. I push the guilt to the back of my mind but it’s not erased.
Today I feel like I’m wasting my life and I’ve thrown away my potential. Feeling guilty for being how I am and for what I’ve done with this precious decade. Normally I say I’m better off this way, but today I wish I wasn’t an asexual recluse.
#Asexuality #Guilt #Lowmood #issues #AspergersSyndrome #Autism #wastedtime #confused #lonely #Selfblame #Selfacceptance #socialdistance

I know in my heart of hearts I need to step up to the plate and work on some things. I wallowed in this for a couple days, and then on Wednesday I decided to go have a drink and socialize. Working at home is very isolating. I sent a text to someone who wrote something very triggering and I just went over-board with my drinking and my behavior. I am very good at self-punishing, guilt and shame. I woke up Wednesday and felt paralyzed by what I did. I also screwed up a very important day with work. I'm hating myself and need some advice/support. #selfsabotage #Fixme #issues

I have an appointment with a psychologist next Tuesday and I’m literally counting the minutes until th day comes. I know something is wrong with me, it feels like there is more than just being severely depressed. I want a name put on what I’ve been feeling. I feel like nothing about me is normal, I have a lot of issues when it comes to my relationships with other people, I don’t know who I am sometimes. I went to the doctor yesterday and told him that my depression has gotten worse since the last visit and he bumped up my meds. The thing is, I do feel like I have mellowed out, but my emotions have been really intense. Feeling sad is painful, I’ll do anything to fill the void of feeling empty, being angry is overwhelming. Although being happy or content feels amazing, but it’s short lived. I’m quick to turn on myself when things go wrong. There’s so many complications to list. I know I’m not alone in feeling these things, but I sure do feel alone in a sense where I wish I had a built in best friend. #MentalHealth #Depression #changes #issues

During this depressive period, I find that I feel everything around me so intensely. Every memory of what lead up to this point has its monumental impact on my life, mental health, and just my wellbeing in general. With that, I always find that there are people who can relate to a degree of sadness, abandonment, anger, the heaviness, the emptiness, and all of the above that I have experienced. I often feel alone in the world, and even when I do go my own way for a while, I do think about every single person I’ve left behind. I’m guilty of “ghosting “, but for me it’s my way of saying that “I’ll get out of your way.” I’m a firm believer in letting people have their space, but I do fear abandonment. I’ve been guilty of going away without saying goodbye because I felt that it was better to leave to people before they left me. Sometimes in anger, I’ve felt justified in leaving because I felt that I was “giving them what they wanted” ( which was letting them be with who they really wanted to be with). It doesn’t mean that I don’t think about them afterwards, but sometimes I feel like my best gift to someone is to leave the picture especially if I feel like I don’t fit into their life for some reason. I recognize the fact that I’m a complicated woman with unsettled issues, and having normal relationships seems to be out of reach. I’ve been angry at myself for pushing people and I always think of the worst scenario to happen should I see said person again. Do I feel that I come across as difficult? Most times, yes... I’m trying to do better. #Depression #DepressionAndMentalHealth #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Relationships #FearOfAbandonment #abandonmentissues #FeelingAlone #Sadness #anger #Heaviness #Emptiness #Ghosting #unsettled #issues