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The Examination of My Heart

Over the past few months, I have been experiencing teaching that shares how you can become an observer of your own life. The teaching has helped me in many areas of my life and from it, I am learning how to become an observer of my own heart.

It can be said that our lives are the product of what is within our hearts, so to go from observing my life to observing my heart is only a small and natural step.

I have taken this step because I am concerned with what I have been observing in my thoughts and my words. The content of a person’s heart always comes out through the words they speak, because out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

While we observe, we should not become offended by our words or our hearts when we witness inconsistencies between God and His nature, as I have. Rather, we should be thankful that a place of observation led us to a true revelation of our hearts.

Whatever inconsistencies that appear in our hearts come as a result of being human, and, in some ways, forgetting our original identity in Christ. Thankfully, it is from our original identity that we can observe the issues of our human hearts with compassion.

Even though I am in a difficult place, by observing my heart with compassion I can hope to understand why I operate the way I do, and from that hope, I can identify some of the negative beliefs and behaviors that I participate in and turn them around for the good. #heart #issues #god

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I’ve fucked a healthy relationship

So I’ve fucked another healthy relationship. I’ve acted in a way I don’t even understand and he can’t hack it anymore. He can’t do it anymore. He’s blocked me . I guess it’s done. Trying my hardest not to let the crazy out #BPD #FearOfAbandonment #Life #selfsabotage #issues #SaveMe #ijustwantanormallife

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I’m so angry. I’ve done everything to try to communicate with them!

So this has been my weekend starting Friday with these two group members. In order to get some things straight, I have given them my number three times, my email and even my personal email for them to contact me. They ignore those messages. So these following communication issues happened on a private Discord server that I didn’t even know existed until last week when they had to invite me so they could send me the link to a presentation I had to share on zoom. We have a class discord with a group chat for only us and one of my group members who created the private survey refuses for some reason I can’t think of to join it. So in a nutshell it’s very hard to communicate with these two.
So now I’m pissed off today (sorry for the French)...
Friday they went on the private server and did a project without me and another group memeber. They didn’t even reach out to the chat or email or text to let the rest of the group know they were doing it. They decided to do this project separately from the group within a span of 2 minutes so they didn’t even give us a chance to show up. As a result, half the group didn’t get their names on the assignment or any credit.
Saturday I emailed my professor explaining the situation freaking out how this would show in my grade.
Sunday: my professor gets back to me and tells me to try to work on getting them to communicate. So I message the private server asking if we could communicate better in the future.
Today: I woke up to one of the group memebers telling me it was somehow my responsibility to communicate with them. Which is true and I have but when it comes to when they are planning on working on an assignment, I can’t exactly predict that so I felt it was there responsibly to at least tell me when they plan it. Needless to say this conversation blew up in my face. I told them all the different ways they could have given me this information, how one of the group members doesn’t even have access to this server, and that I’m not constantly on Discord like them so communicating that way with me isn’t my fav. I told them that I messaged the group 8 chat asking about the assignment on Friday too when I didn’t see anything pop up there. I told the group the truth: I’m graduating fall, I am taking 4 classes and a part time job, my grandmother passed this week so it has not been easy on me and I apologized for being grouchy. One of the group replied very hostilely. I really don’t want to make this any longer so I have it as an image here if you feel the need to read it. By the way, the reason these people are getting it done without me is because they aren’t communicating when they are doing it. I’ve asked and stuff but they don’t want to communicate with me! Anyway, I’m very frustrated and hurt because of how they are acting. I normally work well with others and I’ve never had someone refuse to actually plan and communicate on a group project before. What do you think I could do? #College #issues #Anxiety #anger

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My day..

Trying to apply DBT therapy to my current mood. My therapist would say...I decided to say forget you, to my skills and stay miserable! Ugh.... #Depression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #abandontment #issues #mylifeofdisorder #needtohalfsmileandaccept


I generally like being a loner but today it makes me sad

When I figured out I was asexual, it was one of the most complicated events I’ve ever experienced. Especially because I had to explain how I felt to someone I loved— and I didn’t have a word for it back then. It was just, “something’s wrong with me... it’s not you it’s me, I promise... I don’t want to lie to you because I care about you.” He couldn’t pretend it had never happened, like I hoped he could but knew he couldn’t. It destroyed the best friendship I’ve ever had.
It took me awhile to forgive myself for hurting my best friend before we’d even called ourselves bf/gf. But it was 5 years before we got closure on the split. I learned he’d been in a couple of relationships, after his injured self esteem recovered. He learned I’d tried a few things with a few other people and still not had a sexual epiphany—I was still single and loving it. He finally could rest assured that he hadn’t been a bad partner or done anything wrong. And I could finally rest knowing he had been able to move on and I hadn’t ruined somebody’s whole life and self image (albeit I’d ruined 2 years). I felt so relieved after that, and I finally was proud to be asexual. After all, I don’t have to worry about the myriad complications with sexual/romantic relationships (no need to detail here). I don’t have to feel pressured to meet anyone else’s beauty standards but my own. I don’t have to share my body with anyone else.
But today when I heard from this now distant friend again, I realize I still miss us. We had everything in common, except sexuality. Today I wish I wasn’t asexual. I think about how happy and fulfilling our life together could have been—how I would’ve pursued my passions (music and environmentalism) because I had someone to pursue them with, how I wouldn’t have ended up throwing away my musical talents to try and do something more financially successful (I’m not financially successful btw). I’m feeling like I’m wasting what God gave me, like I should share me with someone else because I have something to offer, but I’m selfishly keeping it to myself. (I guess I’m fairly attractive as I’m complimented and flirted with somewhat often). If I could tolerate, let alone enjoy, intimacy and intercourse, my old friend would have been the one. I’d be able to give my mom grandkids. I know she wants them really bad. I push the guilt to the back of my mind but it’s not erased.
Today I feel like I’m wasting my life and I’ve thrown away my potential. Feeling guilty for being how I am and for what I’ve done with this precious decade. Normally I say I’m better off this way, but today I wish I wasn’t an asexual recluse.
#Asexuality #Guilt #Lowmood #issues #AspergersSyndrome #Autism #wastedtime #confused #lonely #Selfblame #Selfacceptance #socialdistance

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#Stoicism has been a great help to me. It has helped me trace my #issues and resolve them. It has majorly helped me with my #anger Disorder and #Anxiety . It took me a long time to realise that my anger issues where harming me more than they were harming people around me. Just sharing a page from the book. Hope it helps you.


What do you do after you hit a rock-bottom moment and know you really screwed up?

I know in my heart of hearts I need to step up to the plate and work on some things. I wallowed in this for a couple days, and then on Wednesday I decided to go have a drink and socialize. Working at home is very isolating. I sent a text to someone who wrote something very triggering and I just went over-board with my drinking and my behavior. I am very good at self-punishing, guilt and shame. I woke up Wednesday and felt paralyzed by what I did. I also screwed up a very important day with work. I'm hating myself and need some advice/support. #selfsabotage #Fixme #issues

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#Therapy for lifelong #Trauma #PTSD 1st time at 37 #help !!!

#Trauma #Therapy for #PTSD 1st time really “ready” to open up with #Psychiatrist at 37 #childhoodtrauma #abuse #neglect #fearofabandonment #psychologicalabuse from a father that I would describe as #CharlesManson with a #TheBible in one hand and #Alcoholism in the other. In addition to a family that #rejected me completely so much so that on both sides of my #Divorced #Family I had rules that if I walked in the room within one minute all of my cousins had to leave my #physical presence because I was just #different but never had #behavioral #Problems just major misunderstandings and what seemed like a lot of #bad luck because of the many #Labels that seem to get stuck to me throughout the years in public #Education . So I was sent to live #alone with my #Father at 11 on a #cult like farm with no access to the outside world (no modern technology including TV, Radio or Phone) and he #brainwashed me as a #Child to never speak to anyone or they would lock me up and throw away the key or call me a liar and ignore me completely. So I have major #Trust #issues and have no clue where to begin when I see my #Therapist via video this week. I also have #ADHD with a #mind that is #hyper #creative and #super analytical seems like a #Gift and #Curse when expressing my #Thoughts and #Emotions #help #Advice #ParanoidThoughts


It Can’t Come Fast Enough

I have an appointment with a psychologist next Tuesday and I’m literally counting the minutes until th day comes. I know something is wrong with me, it feels like there is more than just being severely depressed. I want a name put on what I’ve been feeling. I feel like nothing about me is normal, I have a lot of issues when it comes to my relationships with other people, I don’t know who I am sometimes. I went to the doctor yesterday and told him that my depression has gotten worse since the last visit and he bumped up my meds. The thing is, I do feel like I have mellowed out, but my emotions have been really intense. Feeling sad is painful, I’ll do anything to fill the void of feeling empty, being angry is overwhelming. Although being happy or content feels amazing, but it’s short lived. I’m quick to turn on myself when things go wrong. There’s so many complications to list. I know I’m not alone in feeling these things, but I sure do feel alone in a sense where I wish I had a built in best friend. #MentalHealth #Depression #changes #issues