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Every Morning

Every morning I wake up and lately I have wanted to just scream and cry, but I can't. Do you ever feel like you are living the same day over and over again? It's like you wake up and think, "Seriously, didn't I just do this all yesterday?"

I imagine most non depressed/anxious individuals think or feel nothing when their alarm rings, and they proceed to start their day. My mother is one of them. She is awake and making breakfast at the same time early in the morning. She thrives on God, church, taking care of others and accomplishing her daily goals. She is happy inside of her bubble no matter what life throws at her.

I on the other hand feel doomed the minute I open my eyes. It's been a difficult 5 years. Before that, it was 10 years and before that I was hard at work in grad school.

Yes, that would make me about 38 years old. I also still live with my parents despite graduating top of my class in undergrad and doing everything in my power to live a relatively 'normal life'. You know, the American dream. The life with the house, car and 2.0.0.5 fur-babies. (Ok, they are fur babies in my book because I know I cannot handle children on top of my other various health conditions. I don't think any child or person should have to endure the hereditary suffering I have, but more on that later.) There is more to the story but let's just say there isn't a tsunami of crazy life that I have not encountered.

I wake up every morning already feeling the stress of the day not even knowing I am conscious. Lately, most days I wish I could sleep more, take a drive by myself or just watch Christmas movies bundled in a comfortable blanket. Some days I give myself permission to do this. Yoga and music are often another great escape during these stressful times.

However mostly, I have felt hopeless that life will continue to be me waking up to yesterday's issues. The rat race of life becomes faster and faster and I become slower and older.

In the words of "Jeezy" in one of his infamous songs "Soul Survivor" I find some comfort that I am not the only one living like this. I quote, "This ain't a rap song, n****, this is my life, And if the hood was a battlefield, then I'd earn stripes (Yeah)".

It's just another day. It's just another day, everyday, every morning.

#mentalhealth #Depression #Anxiety #hopelessness #struggle #tired #stressed #MentalIllness #Survivor #jeezy #soulsurvivor #americanlife #Normality

9 reactions 3 comments
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¿ " So I Had A Busy Day At Work... I Had A Panic Attack "? #Burnout

¿ " I Got To Work In A Good Calm Mood... And Once I Clocked Into Work At 8A.M. ▪︎ My Mood Was Trashed... Within A Minute.. My General Manager Is On Vacation And I Got Stuck With A New Assistant Manager That Doesn't Know How To Run Our Store... They Were So Behind On Order's And Didn't Have Anything Ready... I Alway's Have To Litterly Pick Up Everyone's Slack.. And It's Become To The Point Where I'm Going To Have Another #mental Breakdown... I Want To Leave This Pointless Job.. But My Main Boss Is Overly Dependent On Me... For Everything... And It's Starting To Litterly Break Me I'am A Human Being Not Thier Working Machine To Solve Everything For This Stupid Restaurant Who Can't Get Themselve's In Order And Organized...It Was Super Rough And A Nightmare. And The District Manager Is Supposed To Stop By With Other People For A Visit.. Back To Work Tomarrow... " ? #stressed #Depression #Anxiety ☆ S.K. ☆

8 reactions 9 comments
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Going back to God

Hi Everyone I am trying to bea better Christian for myself and for God. I left because I was going through a lot in hindsight I should have stay but I didn't. #stressed #scared

6 reactions 3 comments
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21 Year Old Daughter

I'd like to start by explaining there was the time in our relationship when my daughter did not live with me. She was alienated from me by her father and his then girlfriend and lived with them approximately four years. This was extremely difficult for me and I ended up inpatient at that time.

My daughter and the girlfriend got into a very big fight when she was 18 and she moved back home. She had friends over drinking and smoking weed all the time. We clashed over it many times. Last year in January we got into another argument and she punched me in the nose. I kicked her out. I believe she has explosive disorder and possibly bipolar.

So then I was living alone and I do not do well alone. She was needing a place to stay and of course I'm her mom and have a big heart and I am a doormat so I welcomed her back in. We discussed how things would go and we talk about things after we have disagreements. We're very conscious of each other's feelings. And we really are making Headway. But now I have to move. She wasn't supposed to be living with me because I have housing assistance for one person. Most young people live at home still.

Now with us both scrambling to find a place she has decided to go to school and live on campus. With her dog. Wants to certify him as a support animal.
Normally this would be a good idea but she works overnights and is exhausted and moody and sleeps during the day. Then she picks up my grandson from daycare.
I truly don't feel she is in the mindset or has the motivation or energy to give School the attention in order to succeed. Also she is trying to get housing because she doesn't want to pay for an apartment and end up like me. In poverty.

I can see this becoming a failure but I guess I just have to let her figure it out? Idk....
#Daughter #confuses #stressed #dontknowwhattodo

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Just Too Much #Anxiety #frustration #needhelp

You ever have a an hour, day, week, month or even year when things just got to be too much? Like you're on emotional overload then it results in either shutting down or lashing out? That's how things have been for me lately. These past few weeks have just worn me out both mentally and physically. Working full time, managing my mental health and maintaining a healthy relationship have become somewhat of a challenge. It seems like the littlest things set me off to either shut down and want to be alone or for my emotions to explode (not just anger but sadness too). I'll cry uncontrollably for apparently no reason, I'll become irritated and touchy. I'll shut down and not respond. When I do respond, it's with intensity.

I do have a history of trauma, so maybe my emotions are telling me that I have more processing to do. Or maybe I'm just under too much stress. I haven't been sleeping well (have been getting up super early) then staying up all day. Today I tried to rest but my thoughts are racing and all I feel like doing is screaming into a void. Since I can't do that I have to find another outlet. I have been reading about stress reduction techniques but haven't found anything that works. Perhaps all this stress and being on an emotional rollercoaster (#BipolarDisorder ) is finally taking a toll on me. I feel like there is no period of stability in between mood episodes (yes I told my psychiatrist and he put me on a new medication).

Maybe all these rapidly changing episodes combined with the trauma is causing more problems than it is solving. Right now I just need encouragement and support. Normally I try to support and encourage others but tonight I need the support, prayers and encouragement. I'm tired in general, but especially tired of the emotional rollercoaster. #PTSD doesn't help either because the intrusive memories can trigger me to be more emotional and #BPD makes regulating those emotions even harder.

I don't want to give up but I feel like I am going backwards and relapsing with some of my symptoms. Which I guess is normal with stress. I want to work, and have a great relationship but that seems hard right now. I'm just really struggling and again I would greatly appreciate the prayers, support and encouragement. Stay safe and reach out for help as always.

Blessings to you all,

-Anastasia

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Childhoodtrauma #stressed #needhelp #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #frustration

35 reactions 11 comments
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Too broken #Depression #Anxiety #stressed #MentalHealth

I don’t think that I am gonna be again ever again, this swing moods that I have them now they’re killing me. I started to think that CBT group session that I am doing now will not ever gonna work, partially used to work when my mind was empty.
I really struggle to be okay, everyone except too much from my side, I don’t think I can look good anymore, I’m just too broken and can’t keep my chin up, I’m drained and exhausted

59 reactions 25 comments
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Feeling tired and drained

Yesterday I had to go on a long draining trip that would raise my anxiety and cause me to come close to crying and a mental breakdown several times. Not fun. But so I am trying to de-stress today as much as I can. And not let anything get to me which is extremely hard in my case. #Anxiety #stressed #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

16 reactions 5 comments
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Stressed

Hey guys, I have been really stressed lately and I feel only like 4 people care. Send some positive vibes, please? #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #MoodDisorder #stressed

98 reactions 27 comments