I’m really trying to manage through another major vulnerability hangover #HSP #Anxiety #adultchildofdysfunction #Depression #CPTSD
So much is bombarding me within my therapy and support groups.
Today I found myself dissociating. I started to realize that I really had not processed the passing of my sister in law 7 years ago. I had been in the midst of my own breakdown in my own life which to this day my family of origin has not acknowledge. Vulnerability was not allowed
Earlier today before I realized I was starting to dissociating. I was talking to another family member and she was being very critical and judgemental about my youngest niece, the daughter of my late sister in law. A teenager who has struggled to cope from even before her mother’s passing. I did not fully grieve because I’m becoming so much more aware of how much my family of origin lacks the capacity to truly emphasize and see or listen to another person’s perspective of their lived experience. As I found myself defending my niece I started to realize I was in someways defending myself. Wanting to be vulnerable but my family of origin
This year brought more with the loss of my narcissistic father due to heart complications and pet passed away within weeks of each other this summer. The layers of emotional dysfunction that continually exist within my family is so damaging to my psyche. Interfering with my ability to connect to my feelings and allow myself to feel safe enough in being vulnerable. All I had wanted was to be was accepted, seen and heard. My parents and siblings can’t do so and never have. Instead I was gaslighted and even made the family scapegoat. I’ve had enough therapy at this point to know I need to allow myself to grieve and accept my family will not ever be emotional supports for me. I’m not sure I can stay in contact with them and tolerate their continued ignorance, judgement, criticisms and lack of compassion and empathy. The guilt I’m now acknowledging is that 7 years ago I modeled the same ignorance by judging my sister in law rather then truly understanding her world through her reality. Can I give myself an out that I was dealing with my own crisis then and now? That I did not know any better? Maybe at some point but right now the emotional tsunami has left mentally and emotionally exhausted.