trigger warnings

Also TW For misgendering and breakdowns
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This is why life is so goddamn hard when the kids are home. Why? Just fucking why? Children high-pitch noises upset me (I live with my sister and her 2 kids) but I despise being misgendered as a girl. I’m non-binary, damn it! It’s like no matter how OBVIOUS I try to make it, they still mistake me as a lady. 😡 As someone with severe social dysphoria, it doesn’t help. At all. It leads to breakdowns 100% of the time now.

Thanks, America /sarc /neg /nbh

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #why #nonbinary #imnonbinary #GenderDysphoria #Life #Family #venting #TriggerWarnings

The emotional intensity of these just hands my ass too me. All of a sudden everything feels wrong I am angry, sad, scared with such intensity that I’m bombarded with intrusive thoughts of ending things, between floods of tears or flashes of rage depending on the tone of the snap, I sit crying with intrusive thoughts of self-harm and suicide that I just have to fight not to act on.

The emotions are so intense they control my mind, I get caught in thought loops, “make them break up with you so you can die without hurting anyone” - I am AWARE that these emotions are too intense, and I’m aware my thoughts are irrational but the emotional intensity and mental scrambling is at such intensity I can’t pull myself out of it. Unless I self-harm, which I don’t do. So it lasts, 4,5,6 - 9 hours.

I watch it and slowly try to pick my emotions apart. Draw them write them, call a helpline and talk. Try to get to the core of this tangled knot of emotional bullshit. I feel shame for the thoughts and feelings I have in that state which are hard to recover from. And the intensity of the experience is such that I _feel_like_ I did the things I only thought and felt.

Too other people it looks like I go from normal to a broken mess in half a day, they don’t understand because I can’t explain. I can’t explain because of the shame, because I’m aware how crazy the experience is. So I just keep it inside, try to forgive myself and keep being a good person to the people around me. Xx #TriggerWarnings #emotionalinstability #Selfharm #quietbpd #SuicidalIdeation

I was cleaning out a reusable notebook and found tied I took for my own sanity after a fight with the women I had taken in as a charity case and was mentally ill, my doctor confirmed she was the problem and she was an expert at gas lighting, stonewalling and making everything about her. This is when she was living in my home free and only expected to do chores around the house in exchange for her and her daughter to live free. And then she would gas light me over things SHE wanted and suggested doing after she told me what to buy. I’ve been free from her for a year but I had to sell my house and move because I couldn’t evict her . #badroommate #Anxiety #TriggerWarnings

I can feel myself getting bad again. I zoned out easily with family and/or friends. I cut short conversations with them. I procrastinated work because it’s too much to handle each day. Took myself forever to do something, either at home or work. I stopped exercising. Mentally drained. One day at work, while doing work, I zoned out and had thoughts about just ending my life. I had to run off to the toilet as I couldn’t take the pressure. I was out of breath, trying to suppress the cries and breathing hoping no one would listen.

Tonight I found myself typing into the search bar on the internet "I don't want to live but i don't want to die" and within the articles I read to what I am feeling like I came across this platform.

In the past (I will speak more in the future on this, maybe?) I have tried killing myself but someone above told me, no, I have plans for you. Stay. I am glad I survived every attempt do not get me wrong. I appreciate a lot more things - nature wise and some "accomplishments" - but the feeling of wanting to die just never simply leaves my mind. I don't want to be here nor do I want to be there. I don't want to die, the aftermath hurts, mentally and physically. Not only to myself but others. I also cannot let my furbabies down. They are the reason I am here today and I owe them the world and more... It's just the thought is always there and the possibilities of the least painful way to go. Yet I don't want to go... I just feel lost, broken and very tired from these thoughts tonight as well as my "melt down" as everything just becomes "noise" around me and in my head. I cannot escape the up and downs i experience within a matter of seconds. I feel worthless yet very superior, I guess it depends on which me is "in control" at the time. I hate it. It gets too much and too stressful. I just cannot keep up with myself...

I never thought I would be in a safe community posting like this but I am now. It may be a positive start within myself to air what goes on in my mind, real life and provide almost a "comfort" to others that they are not alone, weird or *insert regular hurtful name here that you hear a lot*. It sucks. Mental health sucks. I wish I didn't type them words into the internet but at the same time I am glad because it was, lets say, a cry for help. Though I know no one will see nor hear that really... that's what hurts the most I guess, no one is really here or there in my world... its all "noise".

I also don't want my posts to come across like I #Need validation, to be felt sorry for or anything else that you could say "attention seeking" (I use this term very lightly and will only use these words towards myself) I just want to raise awareness of my daily life and I know I wont be the only one, which is why I feel the urge to type all this, which is also a comfort to me knowing "I am not alone" yet I am behind this screen...

Within the posts I will start of slowly and cautiously to what I put online as I acknowledge others potential triggers, and that's okay! I know I will be careful myself as I know I am an extremely emotionally sensitive person and feel all too much at once and it gets heavy on the mind. I have shared on my profile a few things I do personally suffer with and the things I am following to try and benefit from others as well as educate myself on other(s) struggles mentally and physically as I will admit I am intrigued to know what others go through.

Lastly I just want to thank The Mighty for this place.

www.instagram.com/p/CQYVChXl-cj

There's the link to my shortened story and some pictures #TriggerWarnings if you don't like #bruises , #SurgicalSites that are covered, or hearing about #Hospitals , #Surgery , or anything related to those.

Today started out fine. I woke up, sent a message to my s/o, had breakfast and checked my work emails until my brain started acting up.

First, I started overthinking about my age. I’m 35 and I know that I am too old for things, my brain even made me think that I am too old to use emojis and stickers.

My s/o assured me that no matter what a person’s age is, using emoji and stickers are allowed. How petty can I be?!

From there, my brain started spiraling down. I felt old. I feel like I’m too old for everything. Too old for messages like that, too old to be overthinking, too old to be anxious, to have anxiety, to be depressed. Too old for not being able to handle things like this.

Usually, thoughts like this goes away almost immediately but today it stayed. My brain won, I am too old for everything.

And then comes another question for my s/o, “am I too clingy for my age 😂”. He laughed and said yes and that he’s actually surprised that I am clingy despite my age. And I started acting up more, I asked that question and he was just answering it.

Even he became tired of my dumb questions. He needed some time to gather his thoughts, so I let him be and I took a shower.

I cried. I started scratching my wrist, punching my thighs, and my cheek. It’s my way of “coping”. It makes me feel better, that I have things under control.

Got out of the shower, and he was done thinking but I’m not done with myself. I continued punching my thighs until they hurt.

He wanted us to be okay and to go back to normal and I tried and so I’ve been pretending to be okay just to avoid stressing him out and exhausting him. It’s been hours, my thoughts are still eating me. I feel like I’m gonna go crazy.

I’m exhausted despite the fact that I didn’t do much work today.

This is the worst “episode” in a long time and I never thought that it would be this exhausting.

Today, my brain won and I am the loser yet again.

#overthinking #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #Selfharm #TriggerWarnings