Today started out fine. I woke up, sent a message to my s/o, had breakfast and checked my work emails until my brain started acting up.
First, I started overthinking about my age. I’m 35 and I know that I am too old for things, my brain even made me think that I am too old to use emojis and stickers.
My s/o assured me that no matter what a person’s age is, using emoji and stickers are allowed. How petty can I be?!
From there, my brain started spiraling down. I felt old. I feel like I’m too old for everything. Too old for messages like that, too old to be overthinking, too old to be anxious, to have anxiety, to be depressed. Too old for not being able to handle things like this.
Usually, thoughts like this goes away almost immediately but today it stayed. My brain won, I am too old for everything.
And then comes another question for my s/o, “am I too clingy for my age 😂”. He laughed and said yes and that he’s actually surprised that I am clingy despite my age. And I started acting up more, I asked that question and he was just answering it.
Even he became tired of my dumb questions. He needed some time to gather his thoughts, so I let him be and I took a shower.
I cried. I started scratching my wrist, punching my thighs, and my cheek. It’s my way of “coping”. It makes me feel better, that I have things under control.
Got out of the shower, and he was done thinking but I’m not done with myself. I continued punching my thighs until they hurt.
He wanted us to be okay and to go back to normal and I tried and so I’ve been pretending to be okay just to avoid stressing him out and exhausting him. It’s been hours, my thoughts are still eating me. I feel like I’m gonna go crazy.
I’m exhausted despite the fact that I didn’t do much work today.
This is the worst “episode” in a long time and I never thought that it would be this exhausting.
Today, my brain won and I am the loser yet again.
#overthinking #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #Selfharm #TriggerWarnings