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My "Dark Place"
For those of you who have mental illness you already know how it feels to go into that dark place. You know... that place where even though you physically have people around you, emotionally and mentally you feel alone? That's my life. Even having my 1 year old daughter that loves to bash me on the head to wake me up every morning isn't enough. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going to that dark place all the time. But my worst fear is going into that place and not being able to come back. The possibility of leaving too soon. For those of your reading this and confused about what that "dark place" looks like, let me elaborate a little bit more.Have you ever seen the movie #allthebrightplaces ? No spoilers, but in the movie there is this teenage boy who is considered weird and nerdy for the other kids in his school. Turns out he is weird but also very bright, intelligent and all around the person I wish was my best friend. The person who makes you laugh and smile. He then starts going MIA on all of his friends, family and girlfriend. Completely shutting everyone out. Staring into space dwelling on his depression and trying to come up with ways to prevent him from drifting off too far- (hints: the sticky notes.) As comparison, I do the same thing. I have no issue in helping others trying to find their happiness or making others smile and feel good about themselves. There are even some moments where making friends is easy. No one would ever know I'm fighting something so deep and dark because I am a professional at wearing the "i'm-fine-and-my-life-is-great" mask. When in reality I want to scream. My dark place is empty, dark and cold. Almost like finishing a bath, draining the water out of the tub but still sitting there naked and cold. Sometimes It last for minutes, other times hours and even days to weeks. Fighting the voice in my head that's constantly telling me I'm better off dead and that my daughter deserve a better mother. And when I reach out to my friends multiple times, and they don't respond , I'm unlovable and unworthy of anyone showing any sort of interest in me. I'm religious and I pray every single day. But when I go to that dark place, I assume God is angry or disappointed in me. That giving me mental health issues is his way in punishing me for being a mistake in his creation. (I don't think God thinks that way though right?) If my mom calls, I don't answer. If any of my friends finally decided to call my phone, I either don't answer or lie and say I'm rocking my baby girl to sleep. And every single job I've ever had I quit or just randomly stopped showing up not because I hated working but because I had zero motivation and I knew if I'd clock in during the time of these episodes, I'd cry. And I'd rather stay to myself (unemployed) than have a nervous breakdown in front of people who determine my ability to work. I have no idea how I survive this place. But I wish it didn't exist. #SuicidalThoughts #Depression #MentalHealth
