Suicidal Thoughts

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Suicidal Thoughts
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    Reaching above the waves

    I don't post a lot here, more of a lurker. I find a lot of solace in just reading and knowing I am not alone in my struggles. I find peace and hope in the inspiring posts from those who are fighting alongside me. We all come from different places, different stories but we all continue to fight.

    But for some reason I've found myself in a place of almost constant suicidal ideation. I think about it almost daily now. I'm currently in trauma therapy and I brought it up to my therapist 2 weeks ago. We spent the entire hour going over a detailed safety plan. I did have access to very lethal means; however I do not live alone. In fact, I'm rarely alone these days. That is probably one of the reasons I haven't been able to act on it. I don't want to leave my family. I once had a rewarding career that helped people. I was once a compassionate, loving woman who would give you her last dollar if it meant you got to eat today. Now I sit home terrified to move because my abuser still knows how to find me, how to contact me and how to hurt me all over again. I still hear his voice in my head every single day. I still see his face when I close my eyes at night. I wish everyday this nightmare would just end.

    When I finally broke the silence in my therapist's office, I felt like a weight had been lifted. Like some had reached beneath the waves and grabbed my outstretched hand. I can't do this alone. I am safe. While my brain tells me not being here is the best solution, I don't have access to any means in which to do it. I know that is the best. I do have things to live for even if things feel hopeless. I have reached out for more help. It hurt like hell to do it. I had to relive my trauma all over again as I told my story to more people. But before the rainbow happens, there has to be a storm. As I cry and type this I know there will be brighter days ahead. I don't know when. I don't know what I will have to do to get there. But I deserve it. My family deserves it. My life can be beautiful in spite of all this ugliness. Tomorrow I may not believe that statement but for today I do. I share this so that maybe the next struggling person may see hope. We can do this together ❤️ #Depression #SuicidePrevention #SuicidalThoughts #PTSD #Anxiety #Trauma

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    Need to rant...

    Woke up this morning feeling like the world was ending. And not in a good "finally going to heaven" kind of way. Panicked because my house was a wreck and family was coming over, had to plan and make a lunch for them, run to the store, pack the car for this evenings excursion I don't want to do in the first place, make myself wash my hair, change clothes, remember to breathe more than panic, draw on my arm to keep me from spiraling farther into my depression, break for ice cream, welcome guests, make small talk, feed them, finally have them leave, collapse sobbing in the hallway after my cat leaves me to go take a nap. I hate myself today. I look in the mirror and try to say something nice but it just feels like a lie. I'm so depressed, and anxious, and my sister isn't calling me back and I don't know why. It's like I can't get anything done, and when I do, I mess it up, and even if I don't, it's never enough. I'm always letting people down. Especially myself. I just don't want to keep going. I'm already taking so many antidepressants that when I feel extra depressed I'm certain that I'm beyond repair. Everything hurts. #Depression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #PanicAttacks #SuicidalThoughts

    19 reactions 4 comments

    I’m new here!

    Hi, my name is Penelope. I'm here because it's really hard to talk to friends and family about my life, I just want to connect and feel understood. compassion is hard to come my...

    #MightyTogether #complexpost-traumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #SuicidalThoughts #Addiction #Depression #MentalIllness

    20 reactions 9 comments
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    Say hello to 4yr old puppy named Rosie ❤️

    She rang in another year older better than any year before! No more will she be stuffed in any cage! Introducing her to real dog life has been such a joy! Sleeping on my bed with a smile on her face and a toy right beside her warms my heart and soul.

    We have had her three months but it feels happily longer. I hope we can wash away her 3.75yrs of life with how glorious her other years shall be!!!

    Happy Birthday Rosie girl ❤️❤️❤️ You are SO very loved!!!

    #AmplifiedMusculoskeletalPainSyndrome #Arthritis #Asthma #Anxiety #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #CheckInWithMe #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Depression #Disability #DistractMe #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Endometriosis #Fibromyalgia #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #Insomnia #Lupus #Lymphedema #MightyTogether #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #RareDisease #SuicidalThoughts #MentalHealth #MemoryLoss #Grief #JuvenileRheumatoidArthritis #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #bedbound #PTSD #Psoriasis

    81 reactions 21 comments