It wasn’t an act of courage, nor a step toward justice. It was more like a silent scream, a decision made through tears, silent screams, and the fear that paralyzed me. Reporting my father for abuse. I don’t know whether I was more afraid of him or of myself, but that choice consumed me. The awareness that once it was made, there would be no turning back.
Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face. His cold eyes, the hatred in his gestures, the rage that hit me without warning. I didn’t know which was worse: the physical pain or the psychological one, which slowly seeped into every thought, every moment, every minute, every fucking second. But that day, that fucking day, I looked at my life and decided I didn’t want to be the person I had seen reflected in his eyes. I wanted to break that chain that kept me trapped, and to do that, I had to do something that would destroy me: report him. Or at least try.
When I did it, I felt the ground shake beneath me. I had been deceived by everyone—teachers, friends. I wasn’t just a little girl looking for help. I was a wounded animal, trying to free myself from the cage with one desperate swipe, but the price was too high. My family was crumbling around me, and my life was becoming a spiral of loneliness and pain. Maybe even depression.
Then came the part that almost killed me inside: my mother. Her eyes were empty when she looked at me, as if she were seeing a stranger. I could hear her screaming, but no sound came out. Just words, words that pierced me like knives: “If you don’t withdraw the report, I’ll kill myself.” I don’t know what was worse: hearing those words or realizing that she was really ready to do it. She put me in front of an impossible choice. And at that moment, I felt like a horrible person. I couldn’t breathe. I wondered how it was possible that I, a daughter who should have been protected by her mother, had become the cause of her pain.
My body was shaking, my mind was confused. I could feel the weight of the world pressing on me. I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear. I wondered if it would be better to end it all, to escape to a dark hole where no one would make me feel guilty, where I wouldn’t have to choose between my own well-being and my mother’s life. I felt the emptiness as if it were something solid, like a hand that grabbed me and was pulling me under the surface.
I stood there, motionless, with my heart racing and the thoughts attacking me. Every breath felt heavy, every heartbeat made me feel even more useless. The suicidal thoughts weren’t a distant dream but a reality squeezing my mind, making me want to close my eyes and never wake up. I didn’t want to hear that voice anymore, that threat, that weight. I didn’t want to be the cause of that suffering, I didn’t want to be me.
Yet, amid all that darkness, I did something I never thought I’d do: I chose not to give up. I chose to stay standing, even though I felt my strength fading. I chose to withdraw the report, with agreements made with him. As strange as it may sound, I did it for the girl I had lost along the way, for the girl I wanted to find again.
I felt like a monster, but I also realized that my survival depended on that moment. It wouldn’t be easy, it wouldn’t be fair, but I needed to save myself. And while I felt myself slipping into the abyss, I realized that, although I couldn’t change the past, I still had control over the future.
It wasn’t courage that guided me, but desperation, the will to survive. I walked through loneliness and pain, with a broken heart and a mind that couldn’t find peace. But deep down, I never gave up. Even in the darkest moments, when I thought I couldn’t get back up, I forced myself to take a step forward. Every day, every step, brought me closer to the person I am today.
It’s not easy to live with the weight of such a big decision. But the truth is that, for all the pain, that choice gave me the chance to be free. To find a path that wasn’t dictated by abuse, threats, or fear. And today, looking back, I have no regrets. I chose to live. And that is the greatest victory I could have achieved.
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