alonefortheholidays

I have #CPTSD and am fraught with anxiety and shame from October to January. Having estranged parents and a sister I haven’t spoken with in years, I usually recoil and distance myself from everyone this time of year. It gets harder and harder because the more people have an inkling about my situation, I get invitations to spend a holiday with people I don’t know very well. And where I’m grateful to be asked, I’m also supremely self-conscious of my situation during occasions where the world revolves around family. Not having one feels like there is no place to belong for a good quarter of the year—and then some if you factor in the other handful of traditional family celebrations.

I used to be with friends when they were single and friend gatherings were a thing. Now those friends have children and in-laws and the spotlight on my head felt bigger being amidst their family circle. I don’t have a significant other… I don’t expect to find one as I’m inching ever so frighteningly toward my 50s.

This life is a solo ride. But the world doesn’t have a place for those without familial connections. I don’t feel comfortable being around other people’s families. I wish I could find a group of adult, single orphans to hike mountains with on Christmas—or something with equal solitude in company.

I am writing here because I just got a last-minute invitation to Christmas dinner with a casual acquaintance. I cried. It’s thoughtful. But I would really rather just hide in my place with a movie and cobbled together dinner for one. Maybe I’ll clean or do some writing or painting—anything to pass the time away.

I also don’t know what to say: “thanks but I’m looking forward to staying home and letting the world do it’s thing out there while I’m cocooned in my own solo safe space”? I want to lie and say I have other plans — which I do, they’re just solo. But it feels bad to not respond with some celebratory note: “oh thank you but I’m going to x,y,z.” I don’t even have the energy to make up a fake event. I don’t even know what to call a fake family event.

I’m thinking about running out to the grocery store now to buy stuff for a gluttonous meal for one. It’s not great but it is what it is, as “They” say.

Please let me just make it to January 2nd.

#alonefortheholidays #soloxmas #CPTSD #belonging #home #alone

I’m struggling being so far away from family during the holiday season. I never felt home sick before and I’ve been away from family, just never without the luxury of being able to drive home real quick.

I love what I’m doing with my life out here in #SanDiego but I’ve never felt so alone before in my life. I’m a very independent person and I thrive in that environment - but lately it feels everything I do is wrong. I made the choice to better myself and in the process of it all I just feel like I’m losing everything I love - including myself.

If you can relate, HOLLA because sometimes it’d be nice to just talk to someone who simply understands..

#alonefortheholidays

I stayed at family home last night so I could wake up around my loved ones, but I’m still in the guest room silently crying my eyes out, they all think I’m asleep. I can hear them having a nice time and don’t want to ruin it for everyone. #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #alonefortheholidays

The worst caretaker ever. No family around and have anxiety depression Dystonia spinal stenosis epilepsy and complex regional pain syndrome. I just went through ten days of ketamine iv infusions. My husband works all day and I want to work so bad to contribute but I have no money and my husband is still complaining three months later how I never bought him a birthday gift and now I’m trying to sell my stuff so I can buy him a gift.
I begged him on the last day of infusion when I was so incoherent and his job is to keep me calm he for some reason started yelling and screaming for a reason I have no idea why. I begged him to stop I could barely speak
I recorded the audio to see if it was a delusion or actually happened and instead of apologizing he started telling me I was just having a nightmare. That’s just cruel

I experience schizophrenia and gastroparesis. These conditions can be a huge mountain I must climb. Add to that I’ve been estranged by my entire family for various reasons. It seems each year I get closer to the top and then the holidays and the climb becomes slick and I defeatedly acknowledge that I miss them. Now I’m just trying to move forward with the help of friends but honestly I’ve learned a person should always do their best to depend on themselves.
#HolidaysAreHard