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I Prefer to Be Solo Over the Holidays

I have #CPTSD and am fraught with anxiety and shame from October to January. Having estranged parents and a sister I haven’t spoken with in years, I usually recoil and distance myself from everyone this time of year. It gets harder and harder because the more people have an inkling about my situation, I get invitations to spend a holiday with people I don’t know very well. And where I’m grateful to be asked, I’m also supremely self-conscious of my situation during occasions where the world revolves around family. Not having one feels like there is no place to belong for a good quarter of the year—and then some if you factor in the other handful of traditional family celebrations.

I used to be with friends when they were single and friend gatherings were a thing. Now those friends have children and in-laws and the spotlight on my head felt bigger being amidst their family circle. I don’t have a significant other… I don’t expect to find one as I’m inching ever so frighteningly toward my 50s.

This life is a solo ride. But the world doesn’t have a place for those without familial connections. I don’t feel comfortable being around other people’s families. I wish I could find a group of adult, single orphans to hike mountains with on Christmas—or something with equal solitude in company.

I am writing here because I just got a last-minute invitation to Christmas dinner with a casual acquaintance. I cried. It’s thoughtful. But I would really rather just hide in my place with a movie and cobbled together dinner for one. Maybe I’ll clean or do some writing or painting—anything to pass the time away.

I also don’t know what to say: “thanks but I’m looking forward to staying home and letting the world do it’s thing out there while I’m cocooned in my own solo safe space”? I want to lie and say I have other plans — which I do, they’re just solo. But it feels bad to not respond with some celebratory note: “oh thank you but I’m going to x,y,z.” I don’t even have the energy to make up a fake event. I don’t even know what to call a fake family event.

I’m thinking about running out to the grocery store now to buy stuff for a gluttonous meal for one. It’s not great but it is what it is, as “They” say.

Please let me just make it to January 2nd.

#alonefortheholidays #soloxmas #CPTSD #belonging #home #alone

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Zero Love & Belonging for me & now my body is continually rejecting me with new diseases too. Pain vs Suffering

This is my “BEAUTIFUL FAMILY”; My daughter-38 and older husband and his son to the left. To the right, my Diamond, her daughter, then new daughter in law and son (20). I should say my grandchildren, right. When? I had to begin going behind her back to see my Diamond when she is with her father. Then severe Long CoVid caused Dysautonomia, a big car accident where I got off pretty well- except my vision was damaged even more and Dysautonomia made even worse. I fainted every day for awhile. The 20yr old harmed me last & most 2 weeks after his 18th birthday, just a few days before mine. His mother hugged and consoled me. Made him move out. She didn’t come right back as promised. She went tanning for 4 days on a boat with an ex & still blames me 100%— again!
That beautiful young man I have always loved like my own was raised to hate me once his mom became jealous. He is gone now too. First he cleverly acted to cause me to be deleted from THE family holiday celebration.

My daughter sent me this photo after Thanksgiving. I had to call truce due to a tragedy in a woman’s life. Still, she avoided me entire month to avoid a conversation about Thanksgiving. She made herself Matron of the family. I am the ONLY adult my age (58) or older who’s child didn’t do something for them to honor them for the holiday.

It does not occur to her that all I can see is everyone’s joy as long as I am absent. My mom disowned me for being disabled years and years ago, and my sister left drugs finally to take my place with Mom. She even removed every single picture out of the picture albums shoved them in an empty kids chalk plastic container and gave them to my daughter who left them with her ex. He dumped them on my front porch. Imagine that mind bend!! That was who my holiday anchor was until I was disabled and she uninvited me year after year and then nothing.
Before or maybe not long after the incident with my grandson I directly asked my daughter, “Do I have love and belonging with you?” Her, “What do you mean!!??” I just repeated it palms up. Her, “I don’t know what to say. This feels like some kind of trick.” she said suspiciously. I was aghast. I was on the verge of tears and turning around, “No Blank. It is just that. I want to know if I have love and belonging with you.” And she answered me plainly. “Then No. You don’t.” This has come up and she has never changed it. I suppose I have a relationship because of my Diamond girl and maybe because she reaches out to me and says she loves me because I’m always here for her. Nope. Codependency left the building couple years ago. I have even had her on no contact for my sanity and lost the girl.

My depression is so deep I can barely take a breath right now. I want to be loved and to know belonging before I die.
I wake in #Pain everyday. My fourth CoVid caused my #longcovid to go Primal on me. BA.5 is not like the rest, honest. I finally turned to my alternative Dr herbal Chinese Medicine. I have a Master’s in Nursing and know know know that Western medicine might be covered but is also prescribing black label medications for chronic pain without the deep discussion patients deserve. My own mother in law suffered a stroke as a result of this. They added a black box label, but who explains that it even tells people? See-I’m so #angry . So I gotta pay $$$ out of Disability and $$ monthly for livability. From disability have a tea special made for me 3 times a day that controls my chronic pain enough to move in the house and such. It’s great. Still NO ONE understands that #ChronicPain or weakness, or just can’t either. Major #Depression is when I start to cry. Severe Depression is when I stop crying. Sometimes I start thinking and sometimes I stop. It is much scarier if I start. Pain is tolerable, #suffering is not, and #chronicsuffering is the most brutal of all.
This Grief I bear, of having NEVER had #belonging once I was also #Abandoned by my poor child that I gave all my limited resources to, I died inside. I substantially failed and raised a daughter who is compassion and empathy challenged. I don’t remember being taught to call my grandparents. I didn’t teach my daughter to. My mom is brutal. Oddly, my daughter repeats her and has barely known her?
My last straw today is a roommate who played the second mom, daughter who loves you, won’t abandon you card. I didn’t buy it. It’s talk. But I thought she could at least be a civil roommate. She walks in and out of the place without a word. Just jumps on that ABANDONED button as hard as she can! Profanity to the Nines! #Profanity #CPTSD #PTSD #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder #Grief #longcovid #disposable

I tried. I don’t have words for what’s happening inside me. This is like Anticipatory grief of a hospice patient you know is gonna pass but we keep holding on and loving them just the same. It all makes the body even harder to manage. Thank you, whoever you are.

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“Change is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.”

Learning to unmask can feel stressful, but nothing compares to the feeling of acceptance among those who do understand.
#FindYourPeople #Acceptance #unmasking #Community #change #belonging #navigatingneurodivergence

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Church isn't for me

I posted a couple weeks ago about thinking if going back to church because i miss the support from my life groups, my youth pastor, and just everyone there. But in this new town i don't know if i can find a church so similar to my old one and one that has people my age. (I'm 23) i stopped going to church because i lost faith and thought this world can't be like this with an all loving powerful god i just couldn't take it. I went down into satanism I really enjoyed it but the more communities i find the more i found of people doing it just to cause a scene or annoy religious folk. Rn I don't believe in anything i don't know what i can, i had even set an alarm on Sunday to go and i thought "this is ridiculous you argue about religion being a waste if time and god not caring why are you gonna go" part of me wanted to go, to sing the sings again, feel the atmosphere, maybe even talk to people there to feel welcome but what if i can't believe it even if i tried. Mental health is ruining me and now I'm desperate and thought maybe this could be something but i still didn't go. Not even a livestream. Part of me wants to try again but part of me thinks I'm a complete fool for thinking church would be good for me. I disrespect god and religion all the time, I'm not even a good person. I just need people that might understand. I just don't know if i should and if so how do i even look for one that could be okay #Religion #MentalHealth #belonging

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#MentalHealth and #belonging

Hello my #MightyINsighters I love this quote by former #PresidentReagan I think it is true and that EVERYONE needs to belong!! #CheckInWithMe What makes YOU feel a sense of belonging?


Find your tribe #belonging #Acceptance

I read this by Bréné Brown the other day and a lightbulb went off:

"Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our measure of self-acceptance."

Powerful, insightful words. All this time I have been trying to find my tribe, and complaining that I can't meet people like me. But I never considered the source of this feeling was also the cause. Know that Bréné Brown's statement comes from deep, longterm research. It's based on evidence and shared experience. What do you think? #loveyourself #Selflove #Selfacceptance

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They say "belonging" helps with mental health. Where do you find the best connections with people? #belonging g #Friends #MentalHealth

It can be hard to connect with people when our emotions are all over the place. And it can be hard for people to feel comfortable with us. I had a long gap -- early 20s to late 50s -- without much sense of belonging. And it was rough!


Belonging #Anxiety #belonging #Insecure

I'm still struggling with my sense of belonging, feeling worthy of being around others... There are days that I feel as though I'm a puzzle piece that just hasn't found its spot and i'm being discarded... I know things will get better, I'm doing what I need to do, but i'm also nervous about speaking to my therapist about it.


Are things really that bad ?

#belonging #ImposterSyndrome

Will I ever feel belonging to anyone or any group?

When somebody told me to fix something I feel like I should just quit my job or grad school or what I feel like I don't deserve to be part of.

I feel like I am trapped in between fears and survival.


Hungry for Genuine Friendships (Poem)

Rushing toward connection
But connecting with the pain
Surrounded and excluded
Excluded by the fame

Old wounds cry out renewed
The sound undignified
Wandering in loneliness
My grief is magnified

Is nothing really real
Or is real really nothing
Are we all just treading water
Hoping that the air is bluffing

Is it all sick tragic longing
To belong there safely in
Begging for a fantasy
Of friendship without end

Instead we brace for violence
Friendly fires deceptions prove
You say you’ll stay while leaving
Your affection’s on the move

So breath your raging niceties
And hoard your false devotion
Shall I let this meager offering
Sustain my souls corrosion

I hate what I should love
Not trusting true remaining true
Love your God and then love others
But the others won’t love you

#thepeculiarpastorswife #Friendship #lonely #belonging #Relationships #hurt #Bipolar2 #MightyPoets

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