belonging

For the first time in a very long time, I am starting to understand something important:

Life changes when you start finding your people.

Not the people you perform for. Not the people you constantly edit yourself around. Not the people who love you conditionally, as long as you stay quiet enough, calm enough, serious enough, small enough.

I mean the people who see the real you and don’t immediately reach for the dimmer switch.

Recently, I went hiking with someone I had just met. We spent the day chasing waterfalls, walking trails, talking, laughing, climbing over rocks, and admiring the kind of beauty that makes you feel tiny in the best possible way.

A few days later, while we were talking, I made a comment about how my ADHD medication had probably worn off during our hike.

If you have ADHD, you probably know the feeling. My volume slowly rises without me realizing it. I become more animated, more expressive, more visibly excited about everything around me.

For most of my life, that realization would have filled me with shame.

Because growing up, and honestly even as an adult, I was constantly told to tone it down.

Be quieter. Act more serious. Stop talking so much. Calm down. Don’t say weird things. Don’t get too excited. Don’t embarrass yourself. Don’t be “too much.”

When you hear those messages long enough, especially as someone with ADHD, you start learning how to perform instead of simply existing.

You learn how to monitor your voice. Your body. Your facial expressions. Your enthusiasm. Your joy.

You become a social chameleon without even realizing it.

People talk a lot about “masking” in neurodivergent communities, but before I ever knew that word, I used to describe myself as someone who automatically adapted to whoever I was around. I didn’t even know I was doing it. It became survival. I learned how to edit myself in real time to make other people more comfortable.

So when I mentioned my medication wearing off during our adventure, I jokingly said that they probably noticed the difference.

And they responded so casually, so kindly, so naturally: “All I noticed was your love for waterfalls.”

I don’t think they realized how deeply that sentence hit me.

Because they didn’t describe me as annoying. Or loud. Or too hyper. Or too intense.

They saw my joy.

And maybe that sounds small to some people, but for me, it felt healing.

For one moment, I didn’t feel like someone people needed in smaller doses.

I felt safe. I felt unmasked. I felt accepted without needing to perform first.

That’s what finding your people starts to feel like.

I think many neurodivergent people spend years believing we are fundamentally “wrong,” when in reality, we may have simply been surrounded by people who only knew how to appreciate quieter streams.

But some of us were never streams.

Some of us were waterfalls.

Big feelings. Big excitement. Big curiosity. Big wonder. Big love for the things that make us feel alive.

And yes, waterfalls can be loud. They can take up space. They can overwhelm people who prefer stillness and control.

But they can also be breathtaking.

Lately, I’ve been trying to find my people by joining hiking groups and putting myself out into the world more. And honestly? It’s scary. When you’ve spent years masking, being fully yourself can feel incredibly vulnerable.

But little by little, I’m discovering something hopeful: There are people out there who do not want you smaller.

There are people who will see your enthusiasm as passion. Your intensity as sincerity. Your excitement as joy. Your differences as humanity.

People who will not make you feel like a problem to solve.

And if you are someone who still feels alone, who still feels misunderstood, who still feels like you have to constantly shrink yourself to be accepted, I want you to know this:

Your people exist.

Sometimes finding them happens slowly. Sometimes it happens on hiking trails. Sometimes it happens through hobbies, support groups, online communities, volunteering, classes, art, books, gaming, music, or shared interests.

But life really does begin changing when you stop asking, “How do I make myself easier to digest?” and start asking, “Where are the people who will let me flow naturally?”

Because waterfalls were never meant to apologize for making noise.

#ADHD #neurodivergent #audhd #unmasking #MentalHealth #latediagnosedadhd #findingyourpeople #belonging #Healing #Selfacceptance #traumahealing #invisibledisabilities #naturehealing #waterfalls #vulnerability #Hope

This is my “BEAUTIFUL FAMILY”; My daughter-38 and older husband and his son to the left. To the right, my Diamond, her daughter, then new daughter in law and son (20). I should say my grandchildren, right. When? I had to begin going behind her back to see my Diamond when she is with her father. Then severe Long CoVid caused Dysautonomia, a big car accident where I got off pretty well- except my vision was damaged even more and Dysautonomia made even worse. I fainted every day for awhile. The 20yr old harmed me last & most 2 weeks after his 18th birthday, just a few days before mine. His mother hugged and consoled me. Made him move out. She didn’t come right back as promised. She went tanning for 4 days on a boat with an ex & still blames me 100%— again!
That beautiful young man I have always loved like my own was raised to hate me once his mom became jealous. He is gone now too. First he cleverly acted to cause me to be deleted from THE family holiday celebration.

My daughter sent me this photo after Thanksgiving. I had to call truce due to a tragedy in a woman’s life. Still, she avoided me entire month to avoid a conversation about Thanksgiving. She made herself Matron of the family. I am the ONLY adult my age (58) or older who’s child didn’t do something for them to honor them for the holiday.

It does not occur to her that all I can see is everyone’s joy as long as I am absent. My mom disowned me for being disabled years and years ago, and my sister left drugs finally to take my place with Mom. She even removed every single picture out of the picture albums shoved them in an empty kids chalk plastic container and gave them to my daughter who left them with her ex. He dumped them on my front porch. Imagine that mind bend!! That was who my holiday anchor was until I was disabled and she uninvited me year after year and then nothing.
Before or maybe not long after the incident with my grandson I directly asked my daughter, “Do I have love and belonging with you?” Her, “What do you mean!!??” I just repeated it palms up. Her, “I don’t know what to say. This feels like some kind of trick.” she said suspiciously. I was aghast. I was on the verge of tears and turning around, “No Blank. It is just that. I want to know if I have love and belonging with you.” And she answered me plainly. “Then No. You don’t.” This has come up and she has never changed it. I suppose I have a relationship because of my Diamond girl and maybe because she reaches out to me and says she loves me because I’m always here for her. Nope. Codependency left the building couple years ago. I have even had her on no contact for my sanity and lost the girl.

My depression is so deep I can barely take a breath right now. I want to be loved and to know belonging before I die.
I wake in #Pain everyday. My fourth CoVid caused my #longcovid to go Primal on me. BA.5 is not like the rest, honest. I finally turned to my alternative Dr herbal Chinese Medicine. I have a Master’s in Nursing and know know know that Western medicine might be covered but is also prescribing black label medications for chronic pain without the deep discussion patients deserve. My own mother in law suffered a stroke as a result of this. They added a black box label, but who explains that it even tells people? See-I’m so #angry . So I gotta pay $$$ out of Disability and $$ monthly for livability. From disability have a tea special made for me 3 times a day that controls my chronic pain enough to move in the house and such. It’s great. Still NO ONE understands that #ChronicPain or weakness, or just can’t either. Major #Depression is when I start to cry. Severe Depression is when I stop crying. Sometimes I start thinking and sometimes I stop. It is much scarier if I start. Pain is tolerable, #suffering is not, and #chronicsuffering is the most brutal of all.
This Grief I bear, of having NEVER had #belonging once I was also #Abandoned by my poor child that I gave all my limited resources to, I died inside. I substantially failed and raised a daughter who is compassion and empathy challenged. I don’t remember being taught to call my grandparents. I didn’t teach my daughter to. My mom is brutal. Oddly, my daughter repeats her and has barely known her?
My last straw today is a roommate who played the second mom, daughter who loves you, won’t abandon you card. I didn’t buy it. It’s talk. But I thought she could at least be a civil roommate. She walks in and out of the place without a word. Just jumps on that ABANDONED button as hard as she can! Profanity to the Nines! #Profanity #CPTSD #PTSD #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder #Grief #longcovid #disposable

I tried. I don’t have words for what’s happening inside me. This is like Anticipatory grief of a hospice patient you know is gonna pass but we keep holding on and loving them just the same. It all makes the body even harder to manage. Thank you, whoever you are.

I posted a couple weeks ago about thinking if going back to church because i miss the support from my life groups, my youth pastor, and just everyone there. But in this new town i don't know if i can find a church so similar to my old one and one that has people my age. (I'm 23) i stopped going to church because i lost faith and thought this world can't be like this with an all loving powerful god i just couldn't take it. I went down into satanism I really enjoyed it but the more communities i find the more i found of people doing it just to cause a scene or annoy religious folk. Rn I don't believe in anything i don't know what i can, i had even set an alarm on Sunday to go and i thought "this is ridiculous you argue about religion being a waste if time and god not caring why are you gonna go" part of me wanted to go, to sing the sings again, feel the atmosphere, maybe even talk to people there to feel welcome but what if i can't believe it even if i tried. Mental health is ruining me and now I'm desperate and thought maybe this could be something but i still didn't go. Not even a livestream. Part of me wants to try again but part of me thinks I'm a complete fool for thinking church would be good for me. I disrespect god and religion all the time, I'm not even a good person. I just need people that might understand. I just don't know if i should and if so how do i even look for one that could be okay #Religion #MentalHealth #belonging

Hello my #MightyINsighters I love this quote by former #PresidentReagan I think it is true and that EVERYONE needs to belong!! #CheckInWithMe What makes YOU feel a sense of belonging?