amonthofpromises

A craftsman planted a seed,
watered and nurtured it, and put it to use.
Although weathered and worn through tough seasons and storms -
Although blemished and although deformed -
The tree was put to use,
because an imperfect tree has tremendous character.

I often pictured the phrase “…God’s handiwork…” as perfection –
perfection in the sense of no flaws,
and therefore ‘worthy’ of doing God’s work.
Along with that, I also pictured “…works prepared in advance…”
as perfectionistic, performance driven, proving my worth.
How wrong I was.

We often get our interpretation of people’s words and actions
through the experience and conditioning of upbringing,
and – in a sense – our perceived reality of reality.
That’s why some people
– who have a lot of reason to be mad at the world –
are inspiringly happy and uplifting,
and others
– seemingly perfect,
or with the silver spoon of happy family –
are sad or entitled.

And then there’s me.
A relatively rough childhood, reinforced lies,
bad habits, driven by fear and the search for affirmation.
It’s been a journey of 20 years
– diagnosed depression and anxiety afflictions -
        [that's about half my life knowing
          that there's something not right in me,
          with untold years
          living out mental nightmares before hand]
and the feeling I’ve only made significant gains in the past few months
(even though that is also, a lie).

Maybe my good works for today are writing this,
 in the hope that someone is encouraged?
  Maybe it’s hanging out the washing?
   Maybe it’s seeing someone smile because I do a nice little thing?
    Maybe it’s giving shade so someone else can succeed?
     Maybe I’ll be completely unaware that I’ve even done it?

But one thing’s for sure
I won’t be striving, trying to make it happen.
I’m just going to be me,
an imperfect tree.

(c) Mark Bryant 30 April 2019
#MightyPoets
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#Depression
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#amonthofpromises
Ephesians 2:10
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Work to earn, calories burn
Bow to stern, when will I learn?
Stomach churn, mindfulness yearn
Anxiety return, when will I learn?

Freely gave, don’t fear the grave
Faithful grace, He does save
Cheerful wave, path pave
I don’t behave, He does save

Eyes lift, thoughts sift
Don’t plead the fifth, God’s gift
No need for tiff, no need for biff
Don’t be so stiff, God’s gift

Calvary’s post, He did the most
Pride ghost, no one can boast
Sunday roast, raise a toast
Coast to coast, no one can boast

Although unseen, it’s not mean
God has been, I am redeemed
Made clean, spine to spleen
Sparkling sheen, I am redeemed

(c) Mark Bryant 29 April 2019
#MentalHealth
#Depression
#Anxiety
#overcome
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#amonthofpromises
Ephesians 2:8-9
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.

When will I get this through my dumb head
-numbskull-
it’s not by what I do,
but it’s because of the character of Something Greater
that I’m alive, or ‘saved’ -
precisely because
I couldn’t save myself?

I mean…
I could exercise more
I could invest more time into my family
I could push myself harder in regards to my search for work
I could, but don’t have the motivation to do so, right now.

But ultimately, the end game is won.

Some change is gradual,
others by a click of the fingers.

I WAS dead –
Defeated by the natural human condition –
And selfish actions.
I am revived – alive –
By graceful salvation.

Thank you for your great love
Thank you for your merciful abundance
Thank you for breathing life into this corpse
Thank you for graceful salvation

(c) Mark Bryant 28 April 2019
#MentalHealth
#Depression
#Anxiety
#overcome
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#amonthofpromises

Ephesians 2:4-5
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ, even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.

Casting cares.
Almost like walking up escalator stairs
against the direction of travel.
My mind unravels.

I take the step, head forward, eyes down.
Oh…there’s another step to take – I frown.
Sigh. Deep breath. Let’s see what’s next.
Another step, same location? Who designed this test?

Minutes…hours…days…weeks
Same process…repeated…tired mind…red cheeks.
And then, a revelation! Why was I even climbing?
Why did I choose this direction? Why am I even trying?

Was it just to get out of bed?
To go to the shops, or something bigger instead?
Was it the search for peace? An oasis for the mind?
If I’m only looking at the next step, I’ll forget what I’m trying to find!

So I slowly lift my head, my eyes towards the horizon.
Oh, wow! There’s light and colours! Not seeing grey is quite surprisin’.
Sunshine blazes on me, and I’m getting a bit of pep.
I’m finding the purpose and reason to take another step.

Maybe it’s because I’ve found someone who cares
and therefore, is the reason why I’m climbing forever stairs.
If you love me, then I’m going to really try to give
all my worry, all my anxiety, to you, so I can live.

And if I have to do it, moment by moment, day by day,
please give me the strength and courage – please show me the way.
Perhaps in knowing that you truly care, there’ll be a lift of the gloom
and I’ll experience the joy of living outside this darkened room.

(c) Mark Bryant 27 April 2019
#MentalHealth
#Depression
#Anxiety
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#amonthofpromises

Ref: 1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you

I have no trouble confessing
to some of the things I do wrong.
There’s other stuff
– forest for the trees
There’s stuff I don’t know about
– ignorance of the law is no excuse
And perhaps my greatest failing
– not believing in God’s truth.

I confess to the sin I can,
but then I beat myself up,I drive the guilt submarine down,
down into the deepest parts
of the artificial lakes of sorrow
I negate Christ’s love, grace and forgiveness
for anger and striving for perfection

Where I prove unfaithful, biased, dirty and wicked
Christ is the opposite
Faithful to respond, no matter what I do
Always present and listening
A compassionate, lenient, just judge
Remembering that my sin debt has already been paid
Forgiveness with no caveats,
but encourages us to sin no more

This is where it’s hard
with conditioned, performance-based love
Instead of it being up to us to do better,
trying to pull ourselves out of quicksand by pulling our own hair,
Christ is the one who pulls us out,
cleans us and directs us to our next steps.
It’s the permanent washing by the blood of purity
and the moment by moment soaking when we’re overwhelmed.

So, to live today, the best I can,
I confess! Restore me, great I AM.

(c) Mark Bryant 26 April 2019
#MentalHealth
#Depression
#Anxiety
#overcome
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#amonthofpromises

Ref: 1 John 1:9
But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all wickedness.

I wonder if it’s because my brain’s hazy
or do I just get lazy
and my mind relapses into crazy
and the little things begin to phase me

I forget the truths that help me through.
I don’t feel like exercising my mind with what’s true.
Despair settles in like a pea-fog soup
and my attitude starts to stink like poo

I think I’m making progress, but then
I think myself back at the very start again.
I start to withdraw, back into my den
and get bombarded with “what if’s” and “when?”

Oh, the truth that brings freedom and liberty!
The battle has already been fought and won for me!
I couldn’t do it myself. I yield and bend the knee.
I’m blind by self-affliction.  Please help me to see!

The journey’s not over.  I’m not finished yet.
I may be tired, drenched in cold sweat.
There’s light at the end of the tunnel.  There’s no need to fret.
Look for the reminders placed every day, lest we forget.

(c) Mark Bryant 25 April 2019 (ANZAC Day)
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#Depression 
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#amonthofpromises 
James 1:25  But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.

Usually when you’re training for a fight,
you’re getting guidance from someone else
on how to do it right.

But once you step inside the ring,
it’s all you.
Here’s the thing:

   Why doesn’t that translate over
     into spiritual battles?
     Mental battles?

It’s easy when I’m at the end of my rope
and I have to totally rely on God –
He’s my only hope.

But as I “feel” stronger, I try to show my Dad
how much I can do in my own strength -
‘That’ll make Him glad.’

It leads to relapse, performance based love, stress.
I feel its coils wrapping around me now.
Distress.

     Where is my faith?

It’s still there, with misdirection.
Focused on will, rather than real power.
Insurrection.

I tried to do it on my own
- God, I messed up
in seeing how much I’d grown.

Change my ways.
Forgive my pride.
Help break through my brain-haze.

     I don’t know the next step to take!
     It’s probably sleep!

May I rest soundly, comforted,
having faith that you’re gonna work everything out
for my good.

(c) Mark Bryant 24 April 2019
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#Depression 
#Anxiety 
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#amonthofpromises

Ephesians 6:16
In every battle, take faith as your wrap around shield, for it is able to extinguish the blazing arrows coming at you from the evil one.

(PSA - I wanted to do something "Monster Related" for '23-19' day. I got inspired by a passage of the Bible.  Ironically, it comes from one of the most saddest and discouraging passages - the first half of Chapter 3 in the book of Lamentations.  As a matter of fact, I used this passage a lot in my early days with depression and anxiety - not to give me hope, but - to push me down further.  Fortunately a psyche helped me to see the unhealthy nature of that process, especially leaving out the verses that give hope!  The negative words certainly paint the picture of a developing monster.  The metaphors used within also may trigger those that suffer with particular ailments.  I would hope that you get through to the end and see that there is "hopefully," still hope!)

---

Monster, Incarnate...

Afflicted with all the wrath of Deity
Driven away, along crooked paths.
The rod at my back, welts and scars.
The hand against me is The Hand against me.

Sagging skin, my flesh is grotesque
Bitterness and hardship, broken bones
Callousness causing anguished groans
I kneel from the pain of this test.

I’m riddled with rickets, I’ve become bow-legged
My spine’s fused, like I haven’t stood straight in years
I’ve become a pin cushion for arrows and spears. 
My teeth are like gravel, all set on edge.

Pitch-black darkness, escape is blocked
Insanity creeps in with the stoppage of time
Ingrained photo-sensitivity, I’ve become blind
Walled in, now in chains, securely locked.

My senses are slowly being deprived
The loss of circadian rhythm causes heart palpitations
I’m being bombarded with mental aggravation
My only hope is the grave when I die.

I cry out, but it seems that no Saviour hears
My captors laugh at me, others just mock
There’s no mercy at all, I cower amongst the rock
Dust, ashes, trampled, I drink my rancid tears.

I’ve reached the end, my heart is broken.
I’m tormented by thoughts.  Peace is never found.
No possessions, no hope, my soul is cast down
But right at that moment, a whisper is spoken.

A flicker of hope, a firefly comes through the air vent
I am still loved, I am not totally consumed
The Lord’s unfailing compassion fills the room
Just as my breath is about spent.

So rather than giving myself up to despair and hate
Resigning myself to torture until death
I’ll give him my body, and all living breath
It’s not much, because I am the Monster, Incarnate.

I have nothing else worth living for, so I’ll wait
Please break these chains, make me sane
Heal what’s lame, light the way out with flame
You are faithful, help me to have faith.

(c) Mark Bryant 23 April, 2019  (4.23.19)
#MentalHealth 
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#amonthofpromises  
#Hope 
#triggerwarning
Lamentations 3:1-24 (v22-24 shown)
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

I depend on you
I search for you
Even when my mind plays tricks
Even if my motivation is wrong
I depend on you
I search for you

You are good to me
You are good to us all
Even when I can’t comprehend
Even if I don’t understand
You are good to me
You are good to us all

I wait quietly for you
I long for your salvation
Even though I’ve got itchy feet
Even when I’m plagued by anxiety
I wait quietly for you
I long for your salvation

(c) Mark Bryant April 23 2019
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#amonthofpromises  

Lamentations 3:25-26
The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.  So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.

As much as I’d love prosperity
Material possessions and financial security
Better health and emotional stability
A life of peace and mental clarity
Is that the ‘good’ that God has planned for me?

As much as I’d prefer stress to leave
For employment to be a straight-forward weave
For my heart’s passions to achieve
To only experience joy and to never grieve
Is that the ‘good’ that God has planned for me?

As much as I’d like to have better speech
For people to listen when I teach
For daily sea-breezes crossing the beach
And for junk food to have the calories of a peach
Is that the ‘good’ that God has planned for me?

As much as I deserve my self-inflicted calamity
My brokenness the result of voided warranty
With death and taxes the only guarantee
And to struggle with sin a daily certainty
Is that the ‘good’ that God has planned for me?

The Spirit pleads in God’s willing harmony
To work in me the plans known for eternity
Transformation into the image of the Son of all paternity
Called, given right standing, hence given his glory
Yes, that is the ‘good’ that God has planned for me!

(c) Mark Bryant 22 April 2019
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Romans 8:27-30 (v28 shown)
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.