androgynous

I have always hated being a "girl" and to be honest, I am not huge on other "girls" either.
I think this goes back to being abused for being born first. My brother was the one who was supposed to be the first born son and Pride of the family.
I was just a girl.
Growing up away from my father, girls were mean, hurtful, gossiping, spiteful, rude, prissy, and just people I didn't want to be around.
I wanted to fix cars, climb trees, build lego monuments, watch Thundercats and He-Man, and get as muddy as possible.
In high school, however, girls got all the attention. Makeup, hairspray, giggles, gossip, and then there was me. Swearing, getting muddy, pushing cars, throwing punches and taking them, drinking guys under the table.
Just one of the guys. I loved and loathed it.
Being a girl was vulnerable, you get hurt, cheated on, broken, back stabbed, and treated like you don't matter.
Being one of the guys made the girls hate you, the guys didn't even notice you.
I grew up literally hating absolutely everything about myself.
So, now I am fighting to rewire my brain.
Gods.
How do I even do this.
I am just one person against 39 years of abuse, self hate, trauma, and girl feelings.
Can't I for once, look how I feel, feel how I want, and just not be what I am????
#Depression #dysphori #Dysphoria #androgynous #GenderDysphoria #Abuse #Selfhate #Anxiety