Bipolar 1 Disorder

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How I Get Through the Storm

Some days you feel you need an umbrella while trying to stand in the rough waters of life. Keeping the water out of your eyes as you fight through the storm.

What are your three go to tools?

#Bipolar1 #Bipolar2 #MentalHealth #Depression

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How I Get Through the Storm

Some days you feel you need an umbrella while trying to stand in the rough waters of life. Keeping the water out of your eyes as you fight through the storm.

What are your three go to tools?

#Bipolar1 #Bipolar2 #MentalHealth #Depression

4 reactions 1 comment
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“do or do not, there is no try”

Coming up is a retirement party for someone whom I worked under for 15 years and had a wonderful relationship with. I left the job 2 years ago as a result of my symptoms getting in the way of my ability to perform my job duties.

Part for of me wants to go to the party, because this person was very supportive and meant a lot to me. I should be able to do this.
But as it comes closer- I’m filled with anxiety and dread of the prospect of going. I’ll have to see a lot of people who I was really close with but haven’t had any contact with for the last 2+ years. I feel this deep sense of shame for a multitude of reasons.

1. I’ve been unemployed so if they ask what I’m doing now, i could say “watching Netflix and trying to regulate my emotions while recovering from neuromodulating surgery to fix my broken brain”

2. I’ve gained a lot of weight since I last saw everyone as a side effect of meds, and even though I know that’s not something that should effect my decision, I’m honestly embarrassed and disgusted by myself.

3. I’ve always been socially anxious, so even if I was stable I’d be experiencing anticipatory anxiety. I haven’t really socialized at all in over a year.

I thought I was beginning to stabilize, but since this event came up I can feel myself losing the ability to maintain an emotional equilibrium. Each day I spend more and more time in a state of panic, self deprecation, and general depressed moods.

I know I should, and part of me does, want to go, but every time I think about it feels like someone’s sitting on my chest and I end up crying, a lot. I’m so disappointed in myself, but I honestly don’t think I can handle socializing with these particular people at a large scale event, especially bc I used to be someone they respected and even looked to for guidance.

I’m a shell of my former self and rapidly declining. I was starting to do better, but this has sent me into a downward spiral. And to top it off, my psychiatrist of over a decade abruptly retired around the same time I found out about the event due to an acute onset of heart disease.

It’s in 2 days. I made up a story that I had to go see the neurologist so I might not be able to make it. I’m so disappointed in myself because I’ve spent most of my adult life making up excuses (lying) about why I can’t attend things because the real answer, that trapped in a cycle of negative emotions and can’t function, is just not an answer most people would understand. And I don’t fault them for that because I’m barely navigating through it myself. But I finally have started to accept myself and my limitations and have been telling the truth and this feels like a total emotional relapse.

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Maybe just for myself to put into words what I’ve been feeling the last few days before it consumes me or my mood rapidly changes again and I have to reexamine/reorient myself to another group of feelings.
So there that is. Thanks for the space to let me work through my stuff and really make myself become consciously aware of my constantly shifting feelings.

Bipolar Disorder sucks.

#Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #SocialAnxiety

(edited)
6 reactions 4 comments
Post

“do or do not, there is no try”

Coming up is a retirement party for someone whom I worked under for 15 years and had a wonderful relationship with. I left the job 2 years ago as a result of my symptoms getting in the way of my ability to perform my job duties.

Part for of me wants to go to the party, because this person was very supportive and meant a lot to me. I should be able to do this.
But as it comes closer- I’m filled with anxiety and dread of the prospect of going. I’ll have to see a lot of people who I was really close with but haven’t had any contact with for the last 2+ years. I feel this deep sense of shame for a multitude of reasons.

1. I’ve been unemployed so if they ask what I’m doing now, i could say “watching Netflix and trying to regulate my emotions while recovering from neuromodulating surgery to fix my broken brain”

2. I’ve gained a lot of weight since I last saw everyone as a side effect of meds, and even though I know that’s not something that should effect my decision, I’m honestly embarrassed and disgusted by myself.

3. I’ve always been socially anxious, so even if I was stable I’d be experiencing anticipatory anxiety. I haven’t really socialized at all in over a year.

I thought I was beginning to stabilize, but since this event came up I can feel myself losing the ability to maintain an emotional equilibrium. Each day I spend more and more time in a state of panic, self deprecation, and general depressed moods.

I know I should, and part of me does, want to go, but every time I think about it feels like someone’s sitting on my chest and I end up crying, a lot. I’m so disappointed in myself, but I honestly don’t think I can handle socializing with these particular people at a large scale event, especially bc I used to be someone they respected and even looked to for guidance.

I’m a shell of my former self and rapidly declining. I was starting to do better, but this has sent me into a downward spiral. And to top it off, my psychiatrist of over a decade abruptly retired around the same time I found out about the event due to an acute onset of heart disease.

It’s in 2 days. I made up a story that I had to go see the neurologist so I might not be able to make it. I’m so disappointed in myself because I’ve spent most of my adult life making up excuses (lying) about why I can’t attend things because the real answer, that trapped in a cycle of negative emotions and can’t function, is just not an answer most people would understand. And I don’t fault them for that because I’m barely navigating through it myself. But I finally have started to accept myself and my limitations and have been telling the truth and this feels like a total emotional relapse.

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Maybe just for myself to put into words what I’ve been feeling the last few days before it consumes me or my mood rapidly changes again and I have to reexamine/reorient myself to another group of feelings.
So there that is. Thanks for the space to let me work through my stuff and really make myself become consciously aware of my constantly shifting feelings.

Bipolar Disorder sucks.

#Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #SocialAnxiety

(edited)
6 reactions 4 comments
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Intrusive thoughts #Schizophrenia #Bipolar1 #MajorDepressiveDisorder

Lately I feel like brain is trying to play tricks on me... I've dealt wit this enough to know not to trust or believe anything the voices say... I've also been struggling wit intrusive thoughts seeing me wreck my car or hit a deer me being wit other people besides my husband... It can get pretty scary especially when I'm driving it's like a flash right before my eyes... I quickly dismiss them but it doesn't stop them from happening...

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Intrusive thoughts #Schizophrenia #Bipolar1 #MajorDepressiveDisorder

Lately I feel like brain is trying to play tricks on me... I've dealt wit this enough to know not to trust or believe anything the voices say... I've also been struggling wit intrusive thoughts seeing me wreck my car or hit a deer me being wit other people besides my husband... It can get pretty scary especially when I'm driving it's like a flash right before my eyes... I quickly dismiss them but it doesn't stop them from happening...

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VNS- D Day

in about 6 hours my VNS device will either be turned on or fake turned on for the clinical trial. Trying to be positive about it but feeling physically sick with anxiety. I know there isn’t anything I can do about things, in terms of whether I’m a control patient or receive the treatment, but I’m blinding grasping at anything I think could tip the scale in my favor- despite how illogical I know it is.
I guess this is the beginning of a new chapter on the bipolar rollercoaster ride from hell. Starting now I’m going to have to learn to live with the uncomfortability of the unknown, try to tuck it away in the back of my mind, and put one foot in front of the other and control what I can.
This will be the first day I’m going to actively engage with my illness and swim against the current.

#VNS #Bipolar1 #invisiblebattle #SinkorSwim

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VNS- D Day

in about 6 hours my VNS device will either be turned on or fake turned on for the clinical trial. Trying to be positive about it but feeling physically sick with anxiety. I know there isn’t anything I can do about things, in terms of whether I’m a control patient or receive the treatment, but I’m blinding grasping at anything I think could tip the scale in my favor- despite how illogical I know it is.
I guess this is the beginning of a new chapter on the bipolar rollercoaster ride from hell. Starting now I’m going to have to learn to live with the uncomfortability of the unknown, try to tuck it away in the back of my mind, and put one foot in front of the other and control what I can.
This will be the first day I’m going to actively engage with my illness and swim against the current.

#VNS #Bipolar1 #invisiblebattle #SinkorSwim

3 reactions
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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is Ladybug2. I'm here because I have a 33 year old son with bipolar 1 and schizophrenia. He lives with my husband and myself. He is struggling with finding a career. He has 2 college degrees. Suggestions?

#MightyTogether #BipolarDisorder

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Invisible Illness, Invisible Struggle

Lately I feel like Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde/Dr Jekyll on Speed. And it just seems to keep going… like I’m so tired of not knowing how I’m going to feel when I wake up. What do you do when you start to become a stranger to yourself?
It’s not “supposed” to go like this, I’ve done all the studying and the extra reading and the research and this is not what I signed up (ok I didn’t sign on for any of it but still). Isn’t it supposed to be short periods of altered moods with periods of “normal” moods in between.

So why the f*ck have I felt amazing, terrible, amazingly-terrible multiple times throughout the last few days? Am I now having rapid cycling mixed episodes because that basically an urban legend making it incredibly difficult to treat.

I hate this illness and what it’s robbed me of. I feel so helpless because I don’t know anyone who’s been through this type of Bipolar Disorder to ask them how to cope.

I’m filled with shame- ashamed I can’t just “push past it” like I’ve been able to at most other time in my life, ashamed of how much I’ve lost, and really deeply ashamed of how sometimes I feel like I have to fight to adjust my perspective and still be able to care, either more or less, about things or people.

After years of being dismissed, I once had someone who was trying to be supportive and understanding say to me “I think I get it now- I just have to remind myself it’s like you have cancer, you can’t help it and didn’t ask for it”.

Except, it’s not cancer. I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer bc cancer is a completely different illness. But it was the only thing the person could relate it to bc since mental health is so taboo, stigmatized, and barely understood. You can’t “see” it, so it either must not be there or must not be serious.

I think my mood started to lift after having surgery because there were visible scars. For the first time, I had people ask me how I was was doing, how I was feeling, if I needed something- showing genuine concern without the undercurrent of annoyance or feeling like the help is unwarranted, that I’m underserving, a burden.

I feel like I wake up everyday fighting an invisible battle, and not able to identify my comrades in arms because we fly no flags.
#Bipolar1 #invisiblebattle #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #BingeEatingDisorder #VNS

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