Bipolar 1 Disorder

For years I’ve felt insecure about my physical appearance never liking the way I look. I found out why I feel this way… I have BPD. When I see other people either in public or on social media I always compare myself. I start thinking to myself - “I’m so fat and ugly, why cant I be skinny and pretty like her” And I start to feel even more depressed than I already am. My biggest insecurities are my double chin and big belly.
I have negative self talk and no matter how many people tell me I look fine I can never feel that way. The only time I feel good about myself is when I’m having a manic episode then I eventually crash and start feeling bad about myself again… also when I wear a good amount of makeup or use filters. I don’t know if/ when I’ll get over these extreme body image issues & insecurities.

Not to mention I’m not sleeping well cuz I’m having withdrawals from an antidepressant I’ve been on for a while. I’m staying up late night and crying til I fall asleep. I’m having a hard time functioning on a daily basis. Worse isomnia, frequent manic episodes, crying more, emotional numbness, more depressed and anxious, restless, racing thoughts/ suicidal thoughts,

#Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Bipolar1

For years I’ve felt insecure about my physical appearance never liking the way I look. I found out why I feel this way… I have BPD. When I see other people either in public or on social media I always compare myself. I start thinking to myself - “I’m so fat and ugly, why cant I be skinny and pretty like her” And I start to feel even more depressed than I already am. My biggest insecurities are my double chin and big belly.
I have negative self talk and no matter how many people tell me I look fine I can never feel that way. The only time I feel good about myself is when I’m having a manic episode then I eventually crash and start feeling bad about myself again… also when I wear a good amount of makeup or use filters. I don’t know if/ when I’ll get over these extreme body image issues & insecurities.

Not to mention I’m not sleeping well cuz I’m having withdrawals from an antidepressant I’ve been on for a while. I’m staying up late night and crying til I fall asleep. I’m having a hard time functioning on a daily basis. Worse isomnia, frequent manic episodes, crying more, emotional numbness, more depressed and anxious, restless, racing thoughts/ suicidal thoughts,

#Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Bipolar1

#Anxiety . I’ve been staying at my daughters because I broke my right hand and am missing most of my left hand due to a birth defect. Mostly she’s been very caring, helping me and taking me to appointments and helping with tasks it is difficult or impossible to do. But twice in the last couple of weeks I’ve been here, she’s vehemently accused me of gaslighting. Apparently her new therapist diagnosed me as gaslighting her. Or she lied to her. I don’t know. If I disagree with her about anything, she flares up. This is a relationship that has been very difficult. My bipolar II changed into Bipolar 1 after postpartum kicked it into overdrive. I am already wanting to leave especially when she has said three times “we need to establish an end date for you to be here” and then when I say ok, she accuses me of getting all better (not so) and leaving when I don’t need her, and upsetting the kids. I’m not arguing or saying anything to or around the kids. My car is in the shop near here (I live 45 miles away), so I have no car until 9/6. I’m told to call my son, who she has always said I favored, or she’ll drop me off at my apartment (alone and with no car). I have agreed to go if she wants me to but that is completely turned around as though I’m leaving on purpose,etc thanks for listening. I’m 70 and my daughter is 36. If I have to I’ll stay with my son. Never again at her house. #BipolarDepression

Me and my partner just had an argument about something that really wasn’t a big deal. Basically we were watching this show live is blind and a black girl had really long hair, he asked me if I thought it was hers I said yes and he said he doesn’t know. Then we had whole other conversation about this music artist who lied about her hair being real. He automatically went to research that after he called me a hater for even saying she lied about her hair (he is a big fan of hers). I then said I wish he would of research borderline personality disorder as much as he researched that because he literally spend almost an h looking into people claiming that the singer lied about her hair, her body and other things. He still think people who said all the “negative” things are haters even though the artist HERSELF admits to having work done… he still doesn’t believe that and claims who ever says anything negative about her is a hater, including me.

That really hurt me because I only had my diagnosis couple months back and since then we had no conversation about it AT ALL. Our last conversation was before my assessment appointment I told him I’m nervous and he just said “well it’s not real mental health issue so I’m sorry I’m not bei no supportive”. He has bipolar type 1 so he is u def the mental health care system in the UK, with the borderline personality disorder is a lot harder to get proper diagnosis and even be signed into their care because you have to show severe symptoms at the time of your assessment. He basically thinks it’s a joke and is not serious at all, meanwhile I’m struggling everyday with image of myself and of how other see me and our relationship.

Going back to the above when I asked him about researching it, he just asked me for the tenth time if I was actually diagnosed. I said yes but I’m not under their care because the lady literally said I’d need to be showing suicidal thoughts more than I do to be signed up for their services, instead they send me home with leaflets for other therapies I can do and if they don’t help they can reassess me next year…. I feel like I’ve got no support, I’m a mum of three boys, I take care of house, bills, kids, him. He doesn’t work because of the stress work gives him and his often relapses so I agreed that we both will be home with kids etc. For the time being while I’m getting help for my mental health but I want to go back to work soon, when our youngest go to nursery. He literally sits home on laptop most of the day on Facebook and instagram. And if I ask to spend some time together it’s problem because “he doesn’t scroll in social media often”. He does, he just doesn’t see that because I don’t really nag him about it all the time. I just do my own thing most times and let him do his. It’s getting to the point where I’m just unhappy. I love him but I wish I had more support from him. I stuck by him when he was in his manic episodes, when he cheated and done other bad things while ill, but I can’t even get him to read ONE article about the mental health issue I have… I’m just sad. I always sad and angry. He notices that but when I tell him what’s wrong he says he can’t do it anymore that when he is unwell it’s for couple/few months and he is back to normal but with me it’s constant. I tried to tell him it’s because he doesn’t actually support me, I tell him what I want and he turns it around and make it seem like I’m in the wrong…

Am I being crazy or I don’t know …. I really don’t know I feel like I’m about to explode and I really want to call someone but I’ve got no friends or family that I can talk to. Most mental health services are closed now (it’s 11pm here in UK). And I don’t want to talk on the phone to the ones who are open because he is here so it’s like what do I do…. I’m still in a waiting list for therapy. It’s a very long waiting list, they told me could be even a year…

I just wanted to vent it somewhere or I’d literally go crazy. None of the things I usually do when overwhelmed helped so … this was my next thing to try and see if it helps me calm down…. 🥲 who ever reads it , sorry… it was suppose to be very short but once I started I just kept going 🥲🥲🥲🫡

I hope everyone had a nice day or is having a nice day/ecening/night 🥲

Hi y’all! For my bipolar folks, do any of you experience restlessness? I’m trying to figure out if it’s a symptom of bipolar disorder or if it’s my anxiety. Sometimes it feels like I can’t sit still (or how I like to call it, like I have ants 🐜 in my pants 👖). At times I appreciate the surges of energy because I struggle with extreme fatigue but other times I feel like an amusement park ride that went haywire and won’t turn off. Curious to know how other people deal with it. #Bipolar1 #Anxiety

Hi y’all! For my bipolar folks, do any of you experience restlessness? I’m trying to figure out if it’s a symptom of bipolar disorder or if it’s my anxiety. Sometimes it feels like I can’t sit still (or how I like to call it, like I have ants 🐜 in my pants 👖). At times I appreciate the surges of energy because I struggle with extreme fatigue but other times I feel like an amusement park ride that went haywire and won’t turn off. Curious to know how other people deal with it. #Bipolar1 #Anxiety