Bipolar 1 Disorder

Anyone willing to share their experience going on disability? I am really struggling to work and have been unemployed a lot more than I've been employed... I have Bipolar I disorder, Autism, Complex PTSD, generalized anxiety, OCD, ADHD, learning disabilities, a tic disorder, and a personality disorder. Plus eating disorders and addictions that I am working on recovering from. In addition, I am having some physical health concerns and am going through gender transition. No wonder I'm overwhelmed!

#Disability #BipolarDisorder #ADHD #Autism #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Dyscalculia #AnorexiaNervosa #Addiction #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #Hypertension

I'm in a mental health IOP currently after a hospitalization in December for a bipolar mixed episode.

I'm taking it one day at a time!

also have some new physical health conditions to add to the list that I'm taking care of!

#Bipolar1Disorder #Autism #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ADHD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #TicDisorders #EatingDisorders #Addiction #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #GenderDysphoria #Hypertension #HighCholesterol #LearningDisabilities #Osteoporosis #PersonalityDisorders #SleepDisorders

I want to say about 3-4 years ago I started to debate taking away all of my social media. Politics was becoming rough and like all of politics, we share our thoughts, which generally is a good thing. As time passed I started to see people that I have loved and cared for, for years, start to post ignorant comments. Various mental health subjects started to unearth themselves with this political dumpster fire. It made me feel as if those who I loved disregarded my emotions, those that they knew about, as they strengthened the stigma for mental health. It made me feel so sick. I was a generally social person and was getting even better at how I conduct social behavior. But this feeling inside told me it was time to delete it all. A few people thought that I was being sneaky, hiding things, when they didn’t realize it was them turning into the people I could never waste my time on if they can’t have mutual respect with me. I am always available to listen to any sides and enjoy conversation, but not this time.

I felt great for a long while. I could only see positivity. My chest felt light and I had the ability to continue my recovery.

I learned more and more as time passed. The biggest, unfortunate, discovery that I had learned was “Out of Sight, Out of Mind.” I am not perfect at keeping up with everyone’s specifics, but if it’s a holiday, I’ll text you. If I remember your birthday or a special time, I’ll text you. Again, I’m not perfect but I do what I can. However, on the other side, I receive nothing from anyone.

I wonder how much I can remember about a person in a short period of time to where I will remember that you like ___ movie, etc. A “Hey, What’s Up?” Or a “Remember when we…” Things like that make a huge difference in the world.

I know when you grow up things change. People have kids, get married, move to a new place, fancy job, all of it, and I love to see my friends happy. But without Social Media I’m invisible. I can’t believe that a device can make me become invisible. It hurts. I’ll think of a fun activity to do and realize that I don’t have anyone to do it with. I love exploring on my own, meeting people, adventuring, or just enjoying peace and quiet. But in exchange for peace and positivity by shutting down Social Media, I have become the most lonely that I have ever been.

I truly am #OutofSightOutofMind

Hi everyone, it's 3:23am here, and once again I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about my ex boyfriend. We just broke up about a week ago and the pain is still fresh. I loved him so deeply, in a way I can't explain. I have never been in love before, and I did not realize this until I met him. I've been married, but my marriage was never good. It wasn't a partnership. My ex, David, was my PARTNER in the beginning. We made each other better. We were truly best friends. But there were issues. We both struggle with mental illness and addiction. He is schizophrenic, I have BPD and bipolar 1 disorder. Eventually, actually after the first 3 months, those things started affecting our relationship in unimaginable ways. He became psychotic and it was the saddest experience of my life, and of course it was no fun for him either. When most people think about psychosis, they think it is either scary or possibly funny. No. It's overwhelmingly sad. When David was psychotic, the man I fell in love with no longer existed. He was delusional, paranoid and suffered greatly because of his auditory hallucinations. Those voices had nothing good to say, believe me. He lived his life in fear and was constantly doing dangerous things because the voices commanded him to do them. He was arrested and hospitalized several times. I had problems too, serious problems. My BPD symptoms had been relatively mild, but when David was in psychosis he would often disappear randomly for hours or days, and this triggered my intense fear of rejection and abandonment. I started frantically trying to save him from himself. I almost lost my job because when he was frightened he would beg me to stay home with him and I would. I became depressed and started thinking of suicide, and I too was hospitalized. More than once. The fact that we had started using together somewhere along the line made things exponentially worse. It was the only coping skill either of us ever had. The drug we used made his psychosis terrible. It made my mood shifts quite frightening. But despite these admittedly awful things going on, we were always loving, affectionate and gave each other support in many ways. I know how crazy all of this sounds, and now that we aren't together I recognize that our relationship was bound to fail. I was trying to take care of a grown man like he was my child. I could barely care for myself! And any time you're using with your SO, it's going to lead to severe problems in the relationship, obviously. I felt so much guilt for letting my addiction take me over and for using with David although I knew it would make his psychosis go from bad to completely disabling. But I'm an addict, and when I'm in active addiction I will tell myself whatever lies I need to in order to make it okay to use. David was never the same after the first psychotic break that happened about 3 months into the relationship. But when he was on his meds and when we had periods of sobriety, I would catch a glimpse of the amazing man I fell in love with. Inevitably though, he would slip into psychosis, and every time that happened I wholeheartedly grieved for him. The pain I felt was as intense as the love I had for him. Our relationship ended because, long story short, we had both changed so greatly during it. His paranoia and the wild accusations he had started throwing at me made me angry. I'd done my best to care for him, I was blindly loyal and never would have intentionally hurt him in any way. Yet I was the person he accused of taking from him. I realize this was his illness rearing its ugly head, but in the end I could no longer control my anger and frustration, and I had a very serious meltdown. I said and did some terrible and frightening things, things I cannot repeat here. I wasn't on my medication and I live with severe guilt and shame over that now. I know that we are never going to be together again. I know that is for the best. But knowing this doesn't take away the pain of losing what we almost had. God the feelings I felt and still feel for him... They're so intense, so beautiful and amazing. I'm glad I was able to love him. Now I have to learn how to live without him. Maybe we were trauma bonded. Maybe our love wasn't actually love. Whatever it was, it changed my life. I cry every night. I miss his arms around me, I miss his sweet touch. I miss having someone to share my life with. I miss my partner. And although I know we will never be together again, I just cannot fathom never hearing his voice or getting a text from him again. I am so lost. The logical part of my mind tells me this is clearly for the best. But my heart is aching and I'm afraid I'm going to lose my mind. I'm slipping into depression and I relapsed a couple days ago. Why can't I let him go and move on and become a healthier person?? Please help me, I am so lonely and I can't stop loving him.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2019 after being incorrectly diagnosed with Major Depression. I was diagnosed as having type 1 which involves more manic episodes. I am currently in a mixed state in which I am experiencing the fatigue and sadness of depression but also the energy and racing thoughts of mania.

I did not know much about the disorder other than it had ups and downs. Which does not quite sum up the disorder itself. For me when I am manic it is like a restless energy that must keep moving. I get very little sleep and feel very agitated (usually over nothing) but small things will annoy me.

When I am depressed everything seems hopeless. I have no energy to complete every day tasks. I just want to sleep it off but I know that does me no good. I also tend to isolate myself because being around people is just too much. Similar to my manic episodes I tend to get overstimulated and shut down.

This disorder is hard to describe to people that do not live with it and most never receive help. I probably had it before 2019 but no one noticed. I think that if I had gotten the help necessary then I would be in a better place. I do not really open up about my disorder because I do not want people thinking I am mentally unstable. Also because some people just do not get it and this is frustrating. There is a stigma that surrounds mental health and considering I have two other diagnosis that does not help. I suppose my experiences make me unique but also do not really matter in the scope of things. I just wanted to share this with a community that understands. I will also post about my other diagnosis. Thanks for your understanding.

#BipolarDisorder #Mania #Depression #Stigma #MentalHealth