Happy Birthday to me. I should be happy, excited about my day of entrance on this earth. I put on a smile to make others feel ok but on the inside i feel despair. It started on my 25th birthday , I will get excited for the day but when it arrives I become avoidant. Anyone feel the same way? #Birthday #Birthdayblues #Depression #Anxiety
Depression almost always wishes me a not so happy birthday. This has been true for me since I was a kid. I remember crying on my birthday countless times. And when I heard lyrics to "It's My Party" during a movie I watched when I was little. I related so much to the chorus:
It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to
Cry if I want to
You would cry too, if it happened to you
One of the causes for my depression occurring on my birthday would be because I felt that I was forgotten about and that not many people truly celebrated me. I often wanted to feel super loved and cared for. My feelings seem to be super sensitive on my birthday.
And as an adult I'm thinking like, maybe I should avoid it all together like Prince did. But then I want to celebrate myself. Even if everyone else fails at celebrating my existence.
Last year my birthday collided with Mother's Day, and I was so deep into the hole of depression that even my kids noticed.
So, tomorrow will be the day I celebrate yet another birthday. And I am thinking of not making a big deal of it. I may sneak off and do something for myself. I'll have a solo birthday if at all possible.
Hopefully I make it through the day without feeling sad. Because today is pretty awesome since I received an email from The Mighty team that my story has been accepted for publication.
##I am incredibly grateful for that.
In the photo I am rockin' a Joker t-shirt that my hubby gifted me for Mother's Day, and we ended the night watching a horror film and I was all smiles. I was happy. And I hope for happiness for my birthday too.
Today I am turning 33yrs old. With social media I lose the personal contact family dont call. Friends dont come over. I feel so lonely on this day. I just hate today. Why celebrate another year when no one personally recognizes you.
Today’s my birthday. I’m 73 years old and am feeling pretty blue. I had arranged to go to lunch with a friend but I cancelled telling her I was sick. I’m writing this in my pj’s, in my bed spending time looking at cat videos. I also watched some videos by Dr. Daniel Fox on BPD. I live in rural Northern California where we had a power outage for 5 days.
I need to get groceries, but I need to shower before going out as I use well water and when there’s no electricity the water can’t get pumped. Why won’t I just get up and do even basic self care? I’m so disappointed in myself. Also my cabin is really dirty and messy but I’ve done 0 to make a more pleasant environment.
My therapist has been on vacation for two weeks and won’t be back until next week. I have left a message at her office asking for someone else from the clinical staff to call me.
It’s been 12 years or 12 days... I can’t seem to recall. I just wish I could share today with you like we did all along. I can hear your laughter and I see your smile.. If I reach a little further, I could probably feel your hand hold on to mine. But blah blah blah.. words! I’ve said them all before and still nothing in the 26 letters could I put together a sentence that I haven’t already said. Nothing will change or bring you back. Just thought I should say something on this day to show you that I’ll never stop wishing I was celebrating with you instead. Love you daddy!
So as of today, my 19th birthday is in 11 days. If you asked me a month ago, I would've said I was super excited about it, now though, it's caused me to fall into a slump. It honestly took this turn after some situations with my family. I have a very dysfunctional family, with my parents divorced and my father dating again. He has started to drink more, blow money that we need for expenses (he's suppose to help support my mom in the court papers) and what really hurt me was not only did he forget my birthday, but he is going with his girlfriend and her two kids to Philly to her cousins wedding instead of seeing me on my birthday. I kept giving him chances to be the father he used to be but that really showed where I stood. Now my brain is latching onto this disappointment and tricking me into thinking that I don't matter to people and now I'm very hesitant to even ask my friends to do something on my birthday because I feel like I would be wasting their time. I hate the one day that I'm suppose to celebrate myself and feel good about myself has been tainted and now I feel like I don't even deserve a day to myself.
My 21st birthday is creeping up, this Friday, and I’ve never been this excited for a birthday. This is the “fun birthday”, photos are posted, iconic memories are supposed to be made on fun trips with friends or goofing off at bars because you can now legally consume an alcoholic drink waiting to greet you with little umbrella sitting inside the cup. All I can think about is if my flare will last through my birthday, if it’ll be better by then, worse, or if I’ll do too much on my birthday and make the flare worse, prolonging horrid symptoms for even longer. I should be thinking about cake, what I’ll decide to have as my first drink, about friends, about having fun. Instead I’m trying to debate on one drink alone so I don’t get too sick, and needing to block schedule out my entire day, trying to make enough time for things and time for rest in between, trying to put together an emergency pain kit since I’ll be hours from home and am certain I’ll flare. I’m fearing that this new year will turn over a worsening year in my health again, just like the last few. I’m about to be 21 years old, and haven’t ever experienced more existential dread.
I never thought I’d make it to 21 but here I am and there my birthday is 8 days away. I hate celebrating I’m too depressed to be around people and the only one who’s gonna spend it with me is my ex she’s literally drives me insane sometimes and she doesn’t really make me happy but that’s who I’m probably gonna spend my birthday with cause no one else has the time and cause I don’t have friends... #Anxiety #Depression #ItsOKMan #Birthdayblues
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