childhood trauma survivors

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childhood trauma survivors
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Escaping into the woods

I am barely coping with my current life stressors, my anxiety and fear of losing people I love may have ruined the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had…. I made strides to heal myself, I actively use CBT, I have workbooks I use daily to continue to practice… I’m so used to people walking away that I over try with the ones I love and this time it caused me to overstep boundaries out of fear. I hate myself for it, I hate that no matter the amount of work, therapy and progress I have made… I couldn’t see past my blind fear or recognize my severe anxiety in my reactions and responses… it took me 3 weeks to get a hold of it, see it, understand what it was and now I fear that damage is done and it’s to late to save a relationship I truly deeply valued. I find myself retreating from the world and disappear into the woods for long hikes to process… I’ve accepted I can’t control the outcome it will be what it will be and all I can do is control myself and be okay regardless of the outcome. It hurts though so much #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Therapy #AbuseSurvivors #GAD #MDD #Selfharm #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors

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Letting Go

I did something back in January I never thought I'd be able to do just a few years ago - I deleted all of the old emails and messages I had kept from family members as evidence of their toxic abuse cycles; reminders just so I would never be tempted back into their drama. Since this year marks ten years of drawing the line, I decided to simply let go and just delete it all. Every single one. After I did, it was like a weight had been lifted. For ten years I had been carrying all of their words with me, and all of the memories and pain that came with each heartless message. I didn't realize how heavy it was all weighing on me until I selected each one for trash. Even out of sight, they were still in the back of my mind, only I didn't realize how much so until I hit delete.

Now it's March, and I'm still in awe of how far I've come in my healing. It's been slow going, yes, but that's to be expected after having such a poor start in life. I'm still growing, still learning, even at the age of 40. And I think, as long as I keep going, and keep trying to push past my fears and self-doubt, everything will be okay. Despite all the twisted indoctrination I was force fed by family, I've learned to accept that I actually do have the right to choose for myself. I will no longer make myself small simply to make others happy. I should no longer feel the need to grieve lost relations anymore because if they were interested in having a healthy family relationship, they would've acted like they claimed to be. And when I find more old messages that trigger my emotions - I'll just do like I did before, because I don't need to hold on to any of it anymore - just breathe and hit delete.

I don't usually give myself enough credit over personal growth stuff, but I'm really proud of how far I've come these past ten years.😊

#ptsd #CPTSD #personalgrowth #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors

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Childhood fears

Recently I’ve been having a very hard time staying present. I have struggled with #DissociativeIdentityDisorder for probably a long time but only a few years ago got diagnosed. This past week I haven’t stayed present, I’ve been overwhelmed with flashbacks and images of my childhood, and I have started to feel the same fear I had back then. I’m absolutely terrified to be in reality, and I escaped my abusive home. I escaped my parents choice of raising us but I fear that I held my trauma in for so long that I won’t be able to push past it. I was SA in July of 2021 and working through that is hard but it’s nothing compared to trying to sort out my childhood memories. I use to find dissociating calming, it was my own escape from the world but now it feels frustrating because I just can’t focus. #CPTSD #PTSD #DID #DissociativeDisorder #Anxiety #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors

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Any suggestions for #OnlineDating \friendship apps/websites to try?

Hi, I am feeling isolated and realizing I never speak to anyone in person anymore (outside of doctors offices). I am looking to make some in person friends and my resolution was to try dating again, does anyone have any websites or apps they would recommend (or recommend staying away from) for #OnlineDating for people with #ChronicIllness and/or #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors …thanks for your input!

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Yeah, #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder be like that.

I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so seen by a meme. As I enter what will hopefully be the home stretch of all of the hard work of five years of therapy, I am having to reconcile the fact that … I like who I am becoming and what I can do, such as starting adult and present in most moments. But I’m wrestling with the idea that the “old me” is all I’ve known for the better part of five decades. Who am I now, If not a ball of hyper vigilant anxiety? This is one of my big personal goals of 2023, to try and define who I am and what I would like my life too look like moving forward.

Love and light to all on your own journeys of discovery.

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #developmentaltraumadisorder #Anxiety #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors

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I want to confront a few of the narcissist that have thought I kept their secrets out of them being better than me. I kept the secrets to protect others who could not deal hearing the truth. I don’t want an apology and I’m not wanting to do this to cause any troubles. I don’t know if I can let move on from the trauma if I don’t say my peace. I have taken the time to seek out and participate in long term mental health therapies. I put in the work to love myself again. I know that there will be deflecting and I will be ok with it all. I just want to say what has been on my heart so that I can move on. I guess I’m asking for a second opinion if it’s a good idea or am I just being triggered not thinking clearly. Thanks #CPTSD #PTSD #Anxiety #SexualTrauma #ChildAbuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #SexualAbuseSurvivors

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Would You Give Up The Knowledge You Gained from Being Sick?

I don’t know about you, but being sick has taught me many things. Yes—it’s come at the cost of my health, and I can’t say what my life would look like without being chronically ill, but I’m not sure I’d trade in the things I have learned these many years.

Being sick has, I think, broadened my understanding of the world and myself, in ways I could never have imagined.

I don’t think I would understand so well the struggles of others, if I had not faced adversity myself. I have become more politically conscious, because I know (too well) that there are choices being made by my government that affect the healthcare and support I do—or don’t—receive. I’ve come to better understand myself, who I am, and what matters most to me. I’ve sifted through the regrets of the past so many times, that I’ve been able to make peace with my demons. It’s only taken 40 something years, but I finally feel at home in the body I live in. Of course I wished it worked better, but I also understand that my childhood traumas made me prone to getting ill, and that I subjected my body to many harmful things in the fruitless pursuit of trying to ‘fit in’.

There are things I’ve learned that I would not wish on my worst enemy. That in my lowest point of health, I realised that if I was an abandoned dog, I probably would have received a world of care compared to the medical neglect and gaslighting to which I was subjected. I’ve learned that most people, including those sworn to do no harm, are capable of inflicting the worst kinds of harm against others.

Even more so when you are vulnerable, and at your lowest point.

When you have nothing left to give, you find out who your truest friends are, and in my case this doesn’t include most of my family. But I think of how much energy I would have carried on wasting, continually trying to win and keep the approval of my dysfunctional family. Like a puppet on a string, dancing and giving of myself on command for nothing real in return… other than a few empty words of praise designed to keep me dancing and giving.

I regret the wasted years of good energy on trying to take the best Instagram photo, instead of just living in each moment. I regret wasting energy trying to impress people I didn’t even know. I regret trying to curate my life, instead of appreciating fully, all the good I had—particularly in times of better health. I have learned to cherish more the life I have in this moment, because I now know just how much worse things can get. I have come to appreciate how much damage every one is carrying around with them, and how this effects the way we interact with each other, that seldom leaves a bridge for kindness and understanding. I’ve come to understand that the world has taught many to hurt others, before the world can hurt them.

Being sick has taught me all this and more, and though it feels like good health is wasted on many of the healthy, I don’t think I’d give up all that I’ve learned. How about you?

#MightyTogether #ChronicIllness #CPTSD #ChildhoodAbuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #Childhoodtrauma #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #InvisibleIllness #MedicalTrauma #Gaslighting

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I’m a narcissist magnet

Now that I am setting more boundaries I am very disappointed, in myself, with the large amount of narcissistic people I have in my life. I used to get depressed thinking I had no value unless I am being used. Now I am mad because I know now I was abused. I got so messed up in my head growing up as a kid and all my trauma has carried over into adulthood. I decided to advocate for myself to receive proper treatment plans, medication, and nutrition. I did not want to live the rest of my life anxious and depressed and after much trial and error, I finally found a doctor who I felt safe speaking through my trauma. What has been so upsetting to me is the people in my life, family and friends, are really voicing negative opinions about my new found clarity. Saying no has been the hardest thing for me to say to people I love, but when my life got really hard I sat in my room and cried by myself. I never once called out for help to my “friends and family “. The mean and hurtful words that I have heard at first made me regret wanting to help myself. To finally get myself to the point where I could make the correct decision to seek help 1 triggering word could cause me to doubt my strength. I raised myself. I go to work even when I can barely get out of bed. I made sure I got my high school diploma. I bought my own cars, clothes and housing since I was 16. I’m mostly proud of is I didn’t make someone feel bad because I know how that feels. Sorry for venting on here but I don’t want to talk to anyone because all they are doing is taking notes on what not to do where others have failed. Now that I have got that off my mind I hopefully can get to sleep. Thank you for reading. #Anxiety #Trichotillomania #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #AspergersSyndrome #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors

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Displaced Person’s Club

I like this quote because it aptly describes what it is to suffer from a chronic long term illness, because societal norms make us naturally displaced.

If you are also afflicted with childhood trauma or CPTSD (as I think Jeanette Winterson most likely is), the displacement becomes part of your fabric. No matter where you go or what you do, you never quite feel like you have arrived at the right place.

You are forever searching.

Growing up in an unsafe environment, meant that my ability to trust in the outside world was forever tainted. No matter how much time passes, because time in our minds is an abstract concept.

Trauma does not obey the laws of time.

For this reason; the only truly safe place that feels like home are the nooks and crannies in my mind. The only hiding place that no one can invade or take from me. Self comfort was something I was forced to learn from the start, so I belong very securely in my inner sanctuary… it is the outside world that gives me trouble.

After years of forced silence, I find that I can no longer hold back my truths. Unfortunately people don’t want to hear the truth, we are supposed to engage in odd games and superficial niceties. Particularly if you’re British—because complaining is a social faux pas that has somehow become encoded into our culture. Even if you suspect your waiter spat in your meal, you’ll still gush about how great everything was if questioned, then perhaps rush home to leave a bad online review.

It’s the new angry letter to the editor.

I’m not convinced this is a particularly healthy way to live your life, but when you’re a spoonie, sometimes you have to choose your battles wisely. Be a nonplussed ‘big dog’ as my therapist calls it.

And, if you’re bedbound or homebound, it can be difficult to find your tribe when you do not have any of the usual things that foster relationships. Work, parenting, hobbies, or trustworthy family members with a healthy respect for personal boundaries.

I think this is why I find nature so comforting—it does not care who or what you are. Outside the world of material and man made things; wherever you are, there you belong.

If any of this describes you—welcome to the Displaced Person’s Club! We don’t have regular meetings or a fixed meet up spot… it’s a work in progress. But you’ve probably been quietly wearing the badge all your life, which gives us all something in common ❤️‍🩹

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Childhoodtrauma #PTSD #Trauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #Selfcare #Selflove #Selfworth #Spoonie #Relationships #HealthyBoundaries #Loneliness

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