breakingdown

Today has just been a day from he*l already... my husband and I are fighting (we just got back together) I’m tired of being the only one to blame for anything and since I lost all my friends and support when we got back together I feel like I’m drowning in this low pit of misery. I honestly don’t know how to keep going or to pull myself back together and I honestly don’t think I deal with an abusive relationship again.. I know my babies need me so I have to find a way to pull through this but I just don’t know how 😢

This week has been extremely overwhelming and today was the cherry on top of my week. Work was chaotic and draining and I never had a chance to catch a moment for myself. I’m thankful to work with a bunch of therapists, including myself, so I’m able to vent and discuss things and they’re always helpful. But today was different because I couldn’t let go of things. I ended up breaking down and crying in front of my friend. (Which is extremely unlike me). The release from that cry and just talking about everything bothering me was so therapeutic and helpful. I’m so very thankful to have a friend as amazing as him to just listen and comfort me. I found that as my moment of gratitude today despite having such a rough day. Cherish those around you & remember it’s okay to not be okay.

I suffer from childhood emotional neglect. I've had anxiety for more than 2 decades.

Recently, My best friend, she starte#d dating, this started an irrational fear of loosing her. The acceptance she gives me, the time we spend together, the loneliness without her, thinking I might be in love with her to hold on to her, not being good enough for her to have feelings for me as more than a friend, that I'm ugly, not being as good as her date since she is attracted to him and much more.

This started my depression and emotional breakdowns which opened a wound from my childhood, that I never felt loved by my parents, Never got hugs or told they love me, they never showed or taught me about feelings, I've never learned to care about my self, I spend most of my childhood alone, selfish parents being tired from work and wanting to relax.

I started to break down crying all the time. A sad or romantic song can remind me, that I've never been loved, that I'm alone, thinking nobody wants a depressed crying man. Not being able to see anything positive about myself. Cutting shallow in my arm to remove focus on the hurt. Crying for hours. Thinking I'm worth nothing, that I'm a burden to everyone. I hate to be alone because what gives me any value is only what my friends think about me. Which makes me cling on to friends, seeking contact and company all the time.

#breakingdown
#Childhoodemotionalneglect