cycleofabuse

I've missed being in contact with all of you mighties!! Before the holidays i was slammed with a #SituationalDepression ; i had no idea a #SituationalDepression , as opposed to clinical, could be totally debilitating. Talked with my psych nurse. I'm "trapped" in the cycle of #emotional /psychological abuse, decades long. A hamster wheel. As my husband saw my soul grow to a #spiritualawakening , he sabotaged my access to any joint bank accounts. I live far from my loved ones but i FINALLY reachecd out for help from loved ones; shared my story; my hurt; my pain. There ongoing love and support has always been unconditional. I WILL visit all of them, including my father who has alzheimer's. As always, i am so grateful for nuggets of priceless wisdom i have learned through dark times. I see no end to getting off this forced hamster wheel but i am duligent in doing the best i can with #Selfcare . My soul cannot be broken!

So complex is my trauma
Incomplete is my file
How many atrocities
Can you compile

Paranoia might as well be the p
In my CPTSD
But it’s not the same crazy
You see on TV

I only fear the repeat
Like I’m stuck in a loop
Even with the nice guy
Wonder how low he’ll stoop

Self-fulfilling prophesy
My fears make it real
If I duck when he yells
His fragile ego I steal

Jumping at ghosts
That no longer apply
I cringe at a touch
He demands to know why

Been years since my body
Was what creepers crave
But I’ll be on alert
Until I rot in my grave

The prophet screams loud
That they all see I’m broken
But they wouldn’t have seen
If my fear hadn’t spoken

The cycle spins around
I’m back there again
Too good to be true
It’ll crash- don’t know when

The prophet in me
warns they will go
So I shut down my heart
And they do, ‘cause they know

The scars that were flags
First red and then white
Are not even the ones
That keep me up at night

It’s that blip in the brain
That just won’t let go
Seeing sunshine as rain
And hears yes as a no

This prophet that drags down
These girls in their prime
It isn’t a stranger
It isn’t a crime

It’s a seed that was planted
By someone they loved
It’s a flower of doubt
When hugged became shoved

It’s the voice in their head
That says they won’t succeed
Because that flower was cherished
Although it was a weed

So they seek the familiar
The devil you know…
and distrust fertile soil
that would help them to grow

#cycleofabuse #Selfesteem #CPTSD #Poetry