darkhole

° " So Yesterday My Older Brother Came Over And Paid For My Rent.. Which Is $500 A Month... Now I Have To Pay Him Back. Well Thing's Have Gotten More Wierd At Work 3 People Quit.. And Now I Have Been Working 6 Day's A Week With No Rest And Getting Home At 4 Or 5... This Week I Get 35.00 Hour's.. Last Time It Was 14.00 Hour's... But The Work Load Is Too Much For Me To Do... And My Boss Doesn't Seem To Get It... I'm Extremely Sore And Tired... I Cannot Get Any Sleep... My Anxiety Is High Because All I Can Hear Are My Boss And People Constantly Yelling In My Head... My Mental Health Is High Risk Right Now... I've Completed 2 Year's Working For T.C. On Jan 31st... I'm Afraid To Ask My Boss For A Raise. She Already Think's That I'm Lazy Which Is Not True.. My Other Co-worker's Tell Her Alot Of Lie's About Me... But Who Show's Up When They Desperately Need Help Me... So I Don't Understand People At All Anymore... My Depression Is Severe Currently... But I Make It To Work... I Cut Myself At Work The Other Day.. And I Can't Feel When I Accidentally Cut Myself.. Until I Run Hot Water Then I Feel It. Or When I Hit Myself On Something.. Again I Can't Feel Anything... " • Sincerely, ○○••Skaoi Kvitravn••○○ #exhausted #Depression #Anxiety #s .A.D

When I tell people about how my depression makes me feel I give them this description.

I am in a deep dark hole with a thick muddy floor and walls. Looking up the is either no light or a very small spec. Climbing out seems impossible as the mud is too heavy on me and too slick on the walls. All I can do is wallow in the mud and try to keep breathing.

Then you throw in anxiety to tell me how horrible a person I am, I just isolate myself to my house and only go out when I need. If I do go out it is quick and I'm am right back home in my isolation.

I do go see my mom and aunt at least once a week. I have tried talking to them about my condition but they don't really get it. There isn't a lot of compassion or love there, just not how my family is.

I have two friends, one lives here and I haven't talked with him in months. The other lives out of state and I do talk with him a couple times a month. I don't go to church or the bars or anywhere social really. I guess I don't want to meet anyone new because that will just be one more person to disappoint.

I turn 47 in a week and my life is going nowhere. I can't seem to keep a job, mostly because I think anytime I do something wrong my boss is treating me like a 4 year old and I eventually crack and quit. I do Uber/Lyft which I enjoy but it is exhausting at times.

Tried therapy but I just couldn't put things they wanted me to do in motion. All the tips and tricks from her and the hospital and really it comes down to I can't follow through.

I am just stuck, can't seem to move forward, and none of it seems like it will change anytime soon. Hopefully it does but I am not holding my breath.