DDNOS

So I recently got the diagnosis of PTSD From complex childhood relational trauma (CPTSD), #Depersonalization , #Derealization and #DDNOS (dissociative disorder not otherwise specified). My therapist thinks it’s possible that I have DID which was surprising at first but now seems a definite possibility. The diagnosis were hard to accept at first but have helped name the pain I’d struggled against for so long. It’s helped me know the enemy, learn about myself (outside of my traumatic history) and help me identify the life I want. I still have bad days but now I can name them, accept them for what they are and find strength to get through (while honoring myself and respecting my boundaries).

None of this has been fun. The effects of dissociative disorder have been dangerous, disorienting and frightening. The long term effects of never being able to be present during a disagreement or during what should be happy times is sad. The holes in your past, the broken memories, the retrauamatizing of childhood horrors that should have long been put to rest relentlessly rising from the dead to torment me over and over. The eating disorders, the dangerous behaviors, the #Addiction to drugs and alcohol, anything to feel alive.

Knowing what this is has been a huge healing step for me. I’ve been successfully pursuing all available avenues of healing for decades and giving it a name (that fits my circumstances and symptoms) helped describe much of my behavior as well as giving clearer paths to long term healing and self realization based on a specific diagnosis.

Nobody I really know can relate to this and I feel like I really need some people I can discuss it with who do understand. #DID #DDNOS

I recently was officially diagnosed with DDNOS & complex PTSD. I have always “lost time”, just now I know why. So last week I had a dissociative episode at a neighborhood gathering. It must of been bad since the people I was with at the time will no longer speak with me or tell me what transpired. So if anyone else has experienced this I was wondering what is the best way to deal with it? Will trying to explain just make things worse? I’m embarrassed by it all & want to make things right, but how do you when you have no idea what happened? I know it’s hard to believe I just don’t remember, but really I don’t. I have no idea what transpired. #DDNOS

It seems to happen more on my good days. I wake up feeling good. But when i look in the mirror and see this completely different person then what i feel like. Which then brings me back down into a depressive state of mind. It seems to be a terrible cycle. How do others deal with it? Or overcome it?

I know I’m doing well and that I’ve been doing as best as I can, but I felt really undermined by my apartment’s hall director today.

Apparently the awful mess that is my apartment requires a meeting with the hall director and she even plans on checking in on whether I’ve cleaned up during this week or not. I know it’s not clean, I know it’s really bad and I’d be worried about anyone I know in that space. But I also know I’m doing the best I can with everything in my head. Each time I get better at something, something else crops up as if to say that my progress isn’t ever enough. I felt so good about finally getting almost all of my rent for the semester paid and now I have to have a meeting about how I’ve never been able to maintain my space with someone who makes me uncomfortable. It was mortifying to see the look on her face when she said she’d be checking in on it, as if it were a matter of being lazy and unclean. I’ve only just stopped dissociating all day, every day, and my anxiety is frequently paralyzing when I’m not dissociative. I know I’m doing better and I just want to be recognized and seen as being good instead of being looked down on and in trouble.
#Anxiety #Depression #DDNOS #PTSD

My family has been in the process of moving out of the house that I spent most of my pre-teen and teenage years in and it’s been a rollercoaster. Some of my highest highs and lowest lows happened here. I miss the home we had here before so many things changed, but I know it often wasn’t good and that our family is better where we are now (location-wise and general health-wise).

So I’m here trying to pack up my old room and it’s really stressing me out. I want what I remember safety and home feeling like, but at the same time I feel so overwhelmed and like I never want to be here again. This limbo of back and forth has had me dissociating a ton and feeling like I’m on the verge of a panic attack whenever I think about it. I’ve been standing around doing nothing because I can’t seem to make myself do something productive or leave. I will get something done eventually, but I just want to curl up and avoid it all so desperately right now.

#Anxiety
#Depression
#PTSD
#DDNOS
#DissociationDisorders