Hey! Whoever is reading this I hope you're fine and at ease! My name is Ayoub, I am 24, and I am from Morocco. This is my first time on this website, and I'm here to share a personal reflection about my condition. Honestly, I haven't been diagnosed yet, but my symptoms match Depersonalization Disorder. I'm not sure yet, and I'm kindly looking for an opinion based on what you're going to read below. Thank you!
I've been living beneath too many masks for so long, and now I have no idea who I am or what I've become. I question whom my thoughts, feelings, and emotions belong to. I question their origins and realiness. Am I what I believe I am or Am I not? Am I a real person with a coherent identity? Or am I a dream in my mind, an actor in a movie? I just wonder how can I know what I want if I cannot know who I am. How can I exist properly in the world, yet I am completely detached from it. It is a form of a double alienation because I'm self-alienated and alienated from the world. Again, I'm not certain about how true these feelings are, but I experience them everyday. Everything to me feels surreal and far away. Although I partake in actions, they all seem mechanic, dull, and habitual. It is like the agency over myself, actions, and behavior is hijacked by someone else outside of me while I'm trapped within in a dark corner helpless and clueless. It is like being a puppet controlled by a puppeteer. The only difference is that I am aware while the puppet isn't.