depresison

So yesterday I watched a youtube video about the 9 qualifiers for a diagnosis of BPD. Silly, yes. I got the diagnosis last year, but part of my brain still thinks 'they can't be right, they have no clue what they're talking about, I am JUST FINE'. So I watch this to actually reinforce the notion that I won't fit into any of the criteria.

I fit all 9.
ALL OF THEM.
And it sent me into sobbing tears with each one that - for the first time - I saw in myself.

I'm not sure still if it was deep sorrow, for a life I thought I was living because I wanted to, because I'm a 'go big or go home' kinda girl, or if it was realizing that my entire life has just been 9 huge symptoms of something I had no control over.

And because of that, I am not doing ok today at all.
I'm panicking, because now I have no idea who I am or why I'm still here or why in hell I would stick around. And the logical part of my brain is kicking in saying 'well it doesn't matter anyway you could be fine in an hour' and that's making it worse.

I feel scattered into the coming storm and I can't seem to gather up all the pieces I recognize as me. It scares me. Because I know what comes next. The familiar, persistent whisper telling me I don't belong here, that it's just best if I go and let the world carry on without me. Who'd miss me, really. Not a goddamn soul.

Sorry this is long. I'm just...I have no one else to talk to. And I feel so, so lost right now.
#depresison #BPD