doormat

I'm still wide awake but I'm so exhausted. Physically, emotionally, mentally I'm spent. I'm brokenhearted that I let people use & take advantage of me too often. Every friendship I have is one sided. I give even when I have nothing to give because that's who I am. None of my friends reciprocate when I'm in need of a friend. I am so sad & alone. Why do I even try? #IntrusiveThoughts #lonely #anxious #Bipolar #doormat

I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for 38yrs. I have never come first or even rated at all. Both of his parents were the only child. He cares more about one of his many online relationships. They get his attention and his money. I have never felt that important to him. If he's talking, he's lying. When I catch him cheating, he always turns it around to me being snoopy and to blame. He broke up with me at the start of our relationship for a woman who said she wanted him but then confessed she only did it to see if he would leave me for her. I moved away and he was calling me before my plane landed, wanting me back. He was sooo sorry he'd made such a horrible mistake. I suspect that he has always cheated on me. A regular serial cheater. I took him back. When we had been together for 10 years we married. 15 years later, he left me for another woman. I divorced him and we were apart for 6mths when he realized "he'd made a horrible mistake". We got in counseling and I tried very hard to forgive.13 years later, I discovered he was involved with over 50 women online. He sold everything he had and took out several loans, cashed in his 401k and got many credit cards to help this woman "get a business started". I was struggling to keep up with our monthly bills and he was sending thousands of dollars to many women. I kicked him out. He called every day. I was learning to live on my own, which was difficult as I am disabled due to 2 traumatic brain injuries, bipolar, anxiety, OCD, CPTSD, depression, rsd, focal seizures and I am sure I'm forgetting some of my issues because of my short term memory loss. I took him back. It wasn't long before I discovered the online bullshit. So far he has been extorted because he sent a dick picture to a whore. Now he want's to get his money back from the whore that he "loaned" it to. He's normally an intelligent, average person. He is so stupid. I'm the only person who cares for him. I have no respect for him. I love him but I can't respect or believe him. I have 38 years invested with him. I realize I'm codependent. I am "stabilized " on my meds for 20yrs. When I feel mania I am invincible. When I'm low I am paralyzed. My quality of life is debatable. I have good friends who put up with me loving him even though they hate how he treats me.
#narcissism #doormat

I have been in therapy now for several months. My support system hasn’t been the best. I get more support from the people I met in my group therapy than people who are closer to me in life. It is really strange that I keep trying to work on trust and I feel like I get nowhere. I literally feel like a doormat. I’m not sure how to change this? I’m tired of being walked on and made to feel I am a nobody. #doormat #Anxiety #Depression #Trust #Abuse