empathize

I won't and will not use my ignorance as an excuse for not recognizing that something was wrong or amiss with my youngest son. I was working seven days a week, ten hours a day, taking care of a man that had Parkinson's disease and had zero verbal skills. I was also cleaning their clothes, house, as well as preparing their meals and hand feeding, and washing/grooming him, in addition to diaper changes. My son was seventeen years old when we experienced his first manic episode and he was hospitalized on a 51/50, which is a psych hold for seventy two hours. From there he was sent to a mental hospital where he remained hospitalized for three weeks. I was only allowed limited access to him while they were trying to stabilize his condition. I found endless writings about suicide and wanting to end it all. Ignorantly, I told him how selfish he was for even thinking about doing something like that. The look on his face as he heard me say that was almost as painful as knowing he had been contemplating suicide and I didn't even have a clue. "You don't think it's a bit selfish that you would rather have me be miserable and unhappy so long as you're happy!?" He said to me as his voice cracked. "I feel worthless, hopeless, useless, and like I am just a burden on you. I thought I could spare you and everyone else from having to deal with me losing my mind." I have often been known to not think before I speak, and this was by far, one of those times that I wish I could have, wished I would have, listened instead of speaking. We recently learned my eldest son also has bipolar disorder. I entered therapy and counseling when they did, so I could learn everything I could possibly learn about bipolar disorder disorders and I am hopeful that they will continue doing whatever they have to do to, and I will be there by their side, for as long as they need me, as we all grow and learn how to better manage and maintain our mental health. #learn #listen #Talk #empathize #EDUCATE

THIS.IS.MY.LIFE. I have walked this road with memories of symptoms from age 5. I have lived through unspeakable trauma and pain. I have stumbled on its rocks, been tangled in its weeds, fallen hard and crawled and clawed my way back up. I have stood my ground against Drs and walked away from their stigma of my kind. I have called them out on their stigma to their face. I have torn up prescriptions from Drs that wish to overmedicate me to NUMB. I have had physical reactions to psych meds that could have killed me. I have defied the odds and suffered the Hell of being over medicated or wrongly medicated and having to withdraw. I have cried an ocean of my own tears and held others and wiped theirs. I have fought for myself when I had no strength, and reached out to help another when I felt I had nothing to give. I make it my LIFE to help others like me carve a life out of their madness and confusion from what I've learned living mine. I spit in the face of emotional pain and inner turmoil. I have been cruely rejected by family and friends. I have been accused of "acting out for attention". I have had meltdowns in my husband's strong arms and he has held me like a baby. I have had depressive episodes and could not leave my bed where my family has had to spoon fed me. There are NO days that don't challenge me on some level. I confess my anger to a God I believe has forsaken me at times. Death by my own hand flirts with my mind BUT my fear of that reality makes me live another day. I keep a picture of my friends son who shot himself as a teenager, lying dead in his coffin, to remind me of my foe. I am a person living with Mental Illness. I will #empathize EDUCATE AND ADVOCATE on behalf of those like me till there is no breath in my body. I will always try to do something productive, or help another each day I live. I love my family and true friends with a fierce love. I will try to not let what others say bad about me stop my roll. Look me in the eye and tell me you have a right to judge my existence. NO. I am a Bad Ass because I have to be, a #warrior because I fight to live and a #Survivor by the mighty Grace of God. If you GET me, shout it out! With YOU on this Journey, Alice M. Pirola