I'm in the midst of a super-anxious-filled week, completely my fault. By now, I am a full-blown masochist who must subliminally enjoy feeling the physical wrath of anxiety coupled with the horrible physical withdrawal from anxiety meds all. the. time.  Every month for the past, idk, 3+ years, I put myself through a living hell for a week or two by mismanaging medication. And I am a full-grown, well-aware adult who knows better and should certainly act more responsibly.  Does anyone else have issues as grown adults (this is so embarrassing) managing medication?

Seems like every month, I go through a few days to up to two full weeks where I have to function sans medication because the first 50% of the month I did not manage my medication properly.  While I do need a new psych to tinker with an SSRI to lower my daily benzo dosage, I also completely admit to being physically dependent on benzos.  I am super ashamed at the fact that I am almost 33 and still cannot help myself from waaaaay over-relying on a benzo during the beginning and middle part of the month, with a full or hefty amount of script at bay, to lessen the blow of terribly bad luck, anxious situations, and simply experiencing life's not-so-great moments.

I am embarrassed how heavily I rely on a pill to get me through an hour, a moment, a situation.  I rely too much to not feel uncomfortable that I run out of meds early almost every month, which is completely unhealthy and totally dangerous.  When will I get my act together?

Being a week away from that next refill, I am going through my normal routine of desperately counting down the days hoping they will fly by, not caring life is just passing me by, like a full blown junkie, while I keep my eye on the prize (med refill!) and hope no issues arise* til I have script-in-hand again.  *You know, the issues like when doctors forget to call in monthly Rx's, delays in getting a new script, a new appointment is now/again needed for a refill, the pharmacy is out of stock, the pharmacy is extremely busy...

Why do I live like this?

Worrying about everything and anything, running on very little sleep, feeling physically sick, feeling extremely anxious -- this is now my "normal" for up to two weeks every month. I need to get some help and make some stark changes. #Medication#Medicationhelp #medicationmanagement #Adulting #epicfails #withdrawal#GAD #SocialAnxiety