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Why am I not good enough?

People keep making me feel like I'm not enough. I try so hard to be perfect. I feel like giving up sometimes. I try. #Notenough #exbestfriend

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Dear diary, it's me again

Today was a difficult day for me, just a bad day of grief totally out the blue and now I feel so emotionally drained and I don't even know how to describe my exushuation. I saw on facebook my ex best friend has got into a relationship for the first time in years after suffering from major depression and loneliness. I would always give them advice and say don't give up just yet, your day will come. Sooner than you may think. Now he seems happy and I can tell he has moved on in his life and forgotten all about me, totally over the moon for him but it just hurts because I'm still hurting alot without them and they are totally fine without me. We shared our deepest darkest secrets and now they get to walk around with my knowledge which are important parts of me as a person, a person he dosent know anymore, just like I don't know him. Anymore. So after all of that my heart has felt so heavy for the rest of the day today. I visited my grandad today too and he had this old TV programme on the telly and it was all about detectives figuring out a murder puzzle basically. They discovered the topic of suicide and discovered this said character was not murdered but took his own life. Which already made my tummy spin around like a washing machine, making me feel sick. The word suicide spinning around and around in my head, driving my crazy on the inside. Then the women dective picked up a picture of the young man that took his life and the picture was of him sitting down smiling and she said, he looks so happy you couldn't tell he was sad and I immediately burst into flames. I had a mini argument with my grandad as I made the point depression dosen't have a face, you don't go out into the town and point at a random stranger like that one is going to take his own life tonight, you know? My grandad basically disagreed with my statement saying you can always tell if someone is happy or sad by their facial expressions and he didn't understand the concept of fake smiling to cover the pain and the self harm wounds behind those sleeves. I told him I experienced a suicide loss and my loved one was as happy as you could ever imagine they could be. They were never seen without a smile, in pictures and in person. Always laughing and making jokes, always the first one to break the ice. The one who could never stand to see their friends hurting or be upset. Anyway, my grandad interrupted me by saying the most painful words he has ever said to me "just because you had that experience dosent mean everyone has to feel the same way" I immediately shut up, trying so hard to fight back the tears as we kept staring at each other in silence. We are so close me and my grandad. He knew about my loss the year and month it happened. He was always supportive of the situation, so I know he did not say this to purposely hurt me but it stung so much. I cried for an hour in the bathroom. #SuicideLossSurvivors #Journaling #Dear diary #Hello its me #ComplicatedGrief #Grief #Lonliness #exbestfriend


The letter I wrote

I wrote a letter to my ex-bestfriend.
It was actually my intention to NOT send it to her, but to keep it with all the stuff I still own from the friendship we had. Keep it locked away.
Hoping I would take a look at it in the future and remember the good days and my thoughts and feelings.
But I wonder if I should also send the letter I wrote. It's not reproachful as people might think. It's a beautiful letter actually..
#pastfriends #exbestfriend #lettert