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Hello all,

Here is my first post in trying to reach out for the first time (online at least)...

I have BPD.

Right now it feels like I’m just plodding through life entirely isolated and unfulfilled. I have zero friends I see or speak to at all. I am entirely alone in life. I have no motivation for anything enjoyable and even if there is the briefest spark of interest I have concentration only enough for a few minutes at a time. It is currently taking me about 2 hours or more each night to get to sleep, if at all. And even then I might only get a couple hours sleep; 6 perhaps on a good day when I need usually around 9 hours just to be able to function.

I have a head full of almost constant thought and emotion overload. I actually managed to list 100+ thoughts I can have in the space of a few minutes and more than 20 emotions I can feel simultaneously. Each day I’m scared of the next; having to live like this and suffer so. I have near constant suicidal ideation and last year ended up in hospital with renal failure after a medication overdose that included a lot of lithium and needed dialysis. I am also recovering from alcoholism and other substance abuse with worsening cravings. I struggle to go out at all due to anxiety and panic, even in places I am familiar with. And there are a lot of triggers for unpleasant thoughts, memories, and cravings.

My new psychiatrist is now pretty sure that my diagnosis is BPD and nothing else. Previously I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, OCD, NPD, major depression, and am still on the waiting list for the Autism Spectrum Disorder team. Having now a formal (and I think finally accurate) diagnosis should hopefully help to steer the support and treatment in the right direction and will mean that I can come off a couple medications that only really cause unpleasant side effects without doing much to treat anything. I am currently on 5 psychotropic medications and a couple others. I suffer severe anxiety and depression and have obsessive-compulsive tendencies and intrusive thoughts.

I do feel fortunate to have the NHS, but it takes a very long time (years) to see anyone at all and get any treatment. I do fortunately now have a support worker I can see regularly at the moment while I await psychology.

I also suffered abuse as a child - mainly emotional and emotional neglect, sometimes physical. I had written most of it off as normal or justified, given my 'rebellious' nature from a young age. But in talking a little more with my siblings last year it turns out things were worse than I remembered and I seem to have blanked out significant instances and periods of time. Having now mentioned it to a couple professionals they think it actually quite severe and significant. It doesn't seem to be as severe as some suffer but was persistent, even till now - I'm 36 next week!

That’s probably enough garbling for now!

Anyone else have similar experiences?


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Does anyone get lonely with BPD? I feel like I’ve lost all my friends, partially because I hide away but everyone my age (late twenties - early thirties) is very fickle. I lost a couple of my closest friends last year due to them finding me too ‘hard to handle’ which I found very upsetting. I haven’t seen anyone but my work colleagues and boyfriend for months. Part of me wants to keep myself ‘safe’ and I’m happy I’m my little cocoon but I’m also really aware this feels odd. It seems to be the way I function now. I know deep down though I’m quite damaged by this friend loss. I think there is something wrong with me. It makes me think back to all those times where I grew apart from friends before and I add it up in my head and think, well, the problem clearly is me. Which I know - may or may not be rational. Just wondering if anyone else with BPD felt isolated? Xxx #BPD #Lonliness

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I was recently diagnosed agoraphobic. Which I kinda already figured I was. I’m struggling today because my husband had to leave to help his mom take down her tree. We were all invited to go but I just already felt drained and knew I couldn’t make it. But every time my husband says he has to leave… my intrusive thoughts show me all these ways he’s going to get into a car accident and die! My intrusive thoughts are severely messed up. And when he says he loves me before leaving I burst into tears like it’s the last thing he’ll say to me. I want him to go and help his mom and do these things. But when he left I broke down even more so. Everything was spinning, I felt like I couldn’t breathe I was crying so hard. I contemplated hurting myself which I haven’t done in years because of guilt that I have. When I look in the mirror I just see a broken woman who’s hurting her husband because I’m causing so much stress with my meltdowns and codependency. I hate myself.
I’m trying to distract myself with a game right now (animal crossing NH)… It at least got me to stop crying but I still feel like a worthless human being who’s never going to escape this personal hell.
I don’t have any friends either so I can’t really reach out to anyone.

Er beds are full, and I can’t get into a doctor until the end of next month. I need help. We need help. What can he and I do? Please.

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How do you deal with #Lonliness

<p>How do you deal with <a class="tm-topic-link ugc-topic" title="Lonliness" href="/topic/lonliness/" data-id="5bc7a4d5d540b100ac7860c2" data-name="Lonliness" aria-label="hashtag Lonliness">#Lonliness</a> </p>
26 people are talking about this
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Community Voices
Community Voices

What's the point

I'm so tired of everything, I really just it was all over. All my life I have been there for others and no one has ever gave a crap about me. What a disappointed life.

2 people are talking about this
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I love all these men, that want to chat, just to find where u r from, if u r married, etc..

They probably don't even have anything wrong with them IMO

I've blocked soany men in the last 2-3 days, wow.

I talked to one person regularly on here and this is supposed to be a support app???

Where's the support???

Now I know why I stay away and only check in periodically, it is me, and I knew it.

#PeopleWhoDon 'tBelieveYou

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