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Hello
Hello all,
Here is my first post in trying to reach out for the first time (online at least)...
I have BPD.
Right now it feels like I’m just plodding through life entirely isolated and unfulfilled. I have zero friends I see or speak to at all. I am entirely alone in life. I have no motivation for anything enjoyable and even if there is the briefest spark of interest I have concentration only enough for a few minutes at a time. It is currently taking me about 2 hours or more each night to get to sleep, if at all. And even then I might only get a couple hours sleep; 6 perhaps on a good day when I need usually around 9 hours just to be able to function.
I have a head full of almost constant thought and emotion overload. I actually managed to list 100+ thoughts I can have in the space of a few minutes and more than 20 emotions I can feel simultaneously. Each day I’m scared of the next; having to live like this and suffer so. I have near constant suicidal ideation and last year ended up in hospital with renal failure after a medication overdose that included a lot of lithium and needed dialysis. I am also recovering from alcoholism and other substance abuse with worsening cravings. I struggle to go out at all due to anxiety and panic, even in places I am familiar with. And there are a lot of triggers for unpleasant thoughts, memories, and cravings.
My new psychiatrist is now pretty sure that my diagnosis is BPD and nothing else. Previously I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, OCD, NPD, major depression, and am still on the waiting list for the Autism Spectrum Disorder team. Having now a formal (and I think finally accurate) diagnosis should hopefully help to steer the support and treatment in the right direction and will mean that I can come off a couple medications that only really cause unpleasant side effects without doing much to treat anything. I am currently on 5 psychotropic medications and a couple others. I suffer severe anxiety and depression and have obsessive-compulsive tendencies and intrusive thoughts.
I do feel fortunate to have the NHS, but it takes a very long time (years) to see anyone at all and get any treatment. I do fortunately now have a support worker I can see regularly at the moment while I await psychology.
I also suffered abuse as a child - mainly emotional and emotional neglect, sometimes physical. I had written most of it off as normal or justified, given my 'rebellious' nature from a young age. But in talking a little more with my siblings last year it turns out things were worse than I remembered and I seem to have blanked out significant instances and periods of time. Having now mentioned it to a couple professionals they think it actually quite severe and significant. It doesn't seem to be as severe as some suffer but was persistent, even till now - I'm 36 next week!
That’s probably enough garbling for now!
Anyone else have similar experiences?
