Notenough

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    #IntrusiveThoughts … After something #positive

    My husband gave me a kiss on the cheek telling me a did a good job at dinner tonight. However, I get intrusive thoughts of “still not good enough” come across my mind because they were left over chili he made that I just reheated, salad I put together and a directional box of cornbread. 😞 Why does this happen all the time? I never voiced it publicly to strangers online before. It’s always been my friends and family on Facebook but I don’t want to be that Debbie Downer or that Attention Seeker. Being strong minded is very hard. I sure do envy those who are amazing at it. #NegativeThoughts #IntrusiveThoughts #ChronicDepression #whyme #attention #positive #NegativeThinking #MightyQuestions #Notenough

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    Why am I not enough?

    I've been feeling more and more lost lately. My S/O keeps watching porn even after seeing me breakdown and promising they would stop. It hurts. I feel like I'm not enough... not enough to look at, or good enough to please them... #Notenough #Pornkillslove #Anxiety #Selfesteem #lowselfsteem #help

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    Maybe... Perhaps...

    It's hard for me to convince myself that someone truely cares about me. I know they do, but in my mind, I either question them or I think they are lying. I didn't want someone to leave me, I did what I could for them not to leave, but they did anyway. Now after all the anger and frustration, I decided to push them away. Avoid them completely because I felt that I was not enough, they really didn't care about me, and that everything was a lie. I had been abandoned all over again. They ended up coming back even though I've been asking God to help me to let them go, but for some reason I can't. I don't see it as a sign or some blessing in disguise. It only makes me more afraid, more unsure, and all the more ready to run again. #MentalHealth #Depression #pushingpeopleaway #Feelingabandoned #Notenough #NoOneCaresAboutMe

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    Crawling Start

    I didn’t do a whole lot today, but I manage to do enough that felt right for me. I’ve been drawing a lot recently. Some of it doesn’t turn out great, but out of the few things I’ve done I’m proud of. I wanted to do some stretching/light workouts today, I did feel better after the fact and thought I should do something to get my body moving and my mind distracted every so often when I need to. Did some cleaning as well. My new medication came today which I was happy about. I don’t know why, but I’m happy that I’ll be getting mentally evaluated in a month as well. I’m kind of on watch at home as well. After telling my mom about my ideations, she’s been checking in on me and I’ve been checking in with her. On the day that I opened up about it, she kept peeking in my room to see if I was alright (even when I slept). The negative thoughts never really went away even when I tried to focus on other things. I still feel like my presence holds no weight, I still feel like all the people I care about don’t need me around. I’m aware that these thoughts aren’t true, there are people that tell me that I’m important to them and that I’ve been helpful to them. On the other side of the coin, that side of “me” finds it hard to believe that I’m valued. I’m aware that my mind isn’t handling things the same way as a person who can navigate through situations be it internal or external. With this keen awareness of myself is scary sometimes. It’s scary that sometimes it feels like I’m looking at myself as if “I “ stepped outside my body and was looking at my life and the rest of the world. Along with me internalizing a lot of my emotions, inner turmoil, among other things, I feel like I’m to blame for a number of things. I feel like I’m either a burden to others or that I’m not enough. There’s a lot that goes through my mind on a regular basis, and lately it’s been an overload of stuff. #Depression #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Thoughts #Outofbody #CheckInWithMe #Newmeds #NegativeThoughts #negativityisconsumingme #Feelinglikeaburden #Notenough #blamingself #Duality

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    Don’t know what to do #lost #alone #Notenough

    My entire life I have always felt like I am not enough. I feel like I ruin all the good things in my life as well. I don’t feel as loved as i deserve to feel. People always think it’s okay just to walk all over me and use me for their personal gain, and then dump me off the side of the road when they’ve achieved what they’re looking for. I am honestly just tired. 20 years in and I don’t have the energy to keep going anymore in all honesty. I’ve never told anybody that, but I really don’t know how much fight I have left in me. I’m afraid to talk to anybody because every time I do, that so called person just hurts me more than I could have ever imagined. Why am I not good enough for anybody or anything? Why am I so weak? Everybody is okay with hurting me, yet I have to pick up the pieces all on my own. At this point, do I even want to pick up the pieces? I am so tired of feeling like an option to everybody. I want to feel like a priority. Like I matter. Like I am special. Having a big heart has really hurt me over the past few years and all it tells me is that I am not meant to be here. There’s no reason that I should hurt the way I do. I’m so scared because I don’t have anymore energy. I refuse to build relationships and open up because everybody hurts me. What do i do?

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    Why does laying in bed feeling worthless make me feel more worthless? Like am I not even good enough for sleep? #Depression #worthless #Notenough

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    Why am I never enough

    I’m not happy enough at home. I’m too happy at work. “You look defeated.” That’s what a random stranger said to me today. Why is it that the people I talk to every single day have no idea what is going on and yet some person takes one look at me and says I look defeated. Did he know why, no. But he noticed. To my friends I am always happy always smiling, perfect. To my family I am moody and upset. No one can see what I’m constantly going through in silence. #sad #hurt #Upset #Depression #Anxiety #Notenough

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    Light Switch

    I wish I had something like a light switch for my brain. I’d love to be able to turn off the thoughts, to turn off the constant voice that says, not good enough, not attractive, not smart enough, not talented enough, not enough. Every day chores are too much. Why do I wake up every morning? Why doesn’t it all just end? Everything exceeds the limits of my medications. #Notenough