31 years ago at this moment I was in the birthing room getting ready to see my first baby. I can visualize every moment like it was yesterday. I wasn't supposed to be able to have children, the doctor had told me. Every child is a miracle but for me and my husband it was a miracle. We didn't know if we were having a baby boy or a baby girl so we had picked out the names for the baby that I dreamed of being a mom since I was a child. We chose the following names, Jacob Michael or Sarah Ann. At 2:08pm I gave birth to a 5.8oz baby boy! He was Full-term and I had gaind almost 40 lbs. He was so tiny that we had to buy premature baby clothes. Eventually he gained weight and grew into the extra large feet he was born with! 😄 I can't believe my baby is no longer here. It will be 3 years on Thanksgiving when he made the decision to end his life. I wish he knew he took a part of other's lives with him. I had decided that tonight I would go out and celebrate his life. Bought now I can barely breathe and want to hide in my bed from the world. I need lots of prayers and love right now. Happy birthday my "Honey Roasted Peanut" until we meet again remember I love you and miss you even when I'm asleep. #SuicideLossSurvivors #sucide #Heartbroken
#prayers #ChildLoss #AfterSuicideLoss
Last night or should I say weeks I can't seem to stop crying. I'm so lonely and I miss my family who has made it clear that if I showed up I wouldn't be welcomed, only my mom is there for me but she's in her 80's. I never thought I'd be alone at this age, I'm not young and suffer with disabilities so I'm finding it hard to bounce back from each blow of cruelty. I feel like I'm in a boxing ring with Muhammad Ali. Everyday something else happens, last night was the first time I actually thought about ending it all. I won't do that because I know first hand the destruction it leaves behind. Plus, I have a daughter and 2 grandchildren. Mind you, she has alienated me from her life and the grandkids too. She will call every once in awhile and just when I think it's finally over (alienated me) she disappears. It's like grieving both my children, but one is still alive. I remain hopeful but guarded. But this sadness I'm feeling lately is crippling me. #SuicideLossSurvivors #Depression #ChildLoss #Grief
My wife just blew up at me. We need to communicate better, she said. She has a habit of telling me what negative thoughts I am thinking and feeling, and then adding, "well am I wrong?" to it. This is years in the making. Essentially, it happens when she asks me a question or tells me about something, and my tone of voice sounds negative to her, or my face or body language looks negative.
I have chronic pain as well as deep depression, so it is difficult for me to convincingly put on a happy face, or speak with joy in my voice. But I do try my best to speak in neutral tones at the very least, and I have thought that I have a resting face of a neutral mood or higher as much as possible.
It has been building for a long time. I am struck out of the blue most times when she tells me what I am thinking, and how unfair that is, and paints me as the bad guy and her as the innocent one. In the early days, it would just shock me, and sometimes confuse me. In the last couple of years, it just makes me angry and defensive. We've had plenty of arguments about it, but no agreement. She doesn't see it as mind reading because she says "I 'feel like' you were disgusted by what I just said, and you shouldn't be", or "I 'feel' that you think I'm stupid just because I did X, or Y". She says since she uses the word "feel", she isn't mind reading, and so it's up to me to tell her if she's right or wrong. Well, I have been telling her she's wrong for over 40 years now, and that only makes her angry and defensive. I told her time and again that I get mad when people try to read my mind and put words into my mouth. I tell her to skip saying the part about what she is so sure that I am thinking, and just ASK ME what I am thinking, instead. Ninety percent of the time, I am not only NOT thinking what she thinks I am, but I am thinking about some other subject altogether. Then when she accuses me of thinking some negative thing, it hits me out of the blue, and I register it as an insult. I asked her why she can't just ASK me what I am thinking, or ask me how I am feeling. I would welcome both of those if they were honest questions. I would feel like I was cared about. That makes perfect sense to me, but she doesn't see it that way. She says that she's just being honest, and that she IS asking me how I feel, or what I am thinking, when she tells me what she feels like I am thinking. We can't get past that. So she got louder and more accusatory, and then angrily walked out.
I don't know what to do. I am battling Major Depressive Disorder, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and severe Chronic Pain. I am doing the very best that I can. I am on disability, and I fill my days and evenings reading books on my various diagnoses, learning as much as I can, so that I can better control, or adapt, or adjust to the reality of my life, and I do feel good about that. I have tried to share some of this with her, both verbally, and by sharing articles with her via email. She seems stand-offish about it, at best. When I ask her outright if she wants to learn more, she swears she does, but she has a life, therefore she just doesn't have the time or energy to read much about it. I told her a few minutes ago that I will stop burdening her with it, and will stop sending her articles and such. She rebuffed that idea, but added again that she just doesn't have the time. She said she is doing the best that she can in trying to deal with all my problems, and she doesn't have the energy or the will to do it any more. She's "had it."
She came back and brought up another time recently that I was unreasonable, saying that she had told me something about her job, and I had reacted with sarcasm and disgust. I remember it well. It was just the opposite. She told me that her employer was giving $50 bonuses to anyone who got a Covid booster shot, and I responded "wow, that must be nice. Go ahead and do that." She and I both agree that that's all that I said. But she says I was being sarcastic, and spit the words out like venom, and I thought it was disgusting. I remember calmly saying those words, genuinely happy for her to get $50 just for getting a shot that we both were going to get anyway. The difference, more than likely, was the fact that during the time that she was unwinding after work and telling me bonus, as well as about the rest of her day, I was in a pit of depression, and I was in a ton of physical pain from my legs and my back. I know that had to have affected the tone of my voice, the look on my face, and my body language. But I don't talk about the pain, because it would sound whiney and redundant. I was just sitting there listening to her, and I thought I answered appropriately and honestly. Anyway, that night, after I had answered her, she responded by telling me what (she believed) I was thinking and feeling, and she wanted to know what my response was. My response was "that's not an argument I am willing to have right now." To me, I was angry that "it" was happening again, and I could argue about it like so many times before, or I could choose not to. I chose not to argue. To her, I had just insulted her, and said she isn't worth arguing with, and since I had not argued, then what she had thought about me must indeed be true.
If (and when) she "reads my mind" again, and assigns various negative thoughts and feelings to me, we could bypass all of this trouble if she could just hold those 'mind-read thoughts' inside, and just ask me two simple questions, instead. First, "how are you feeling?" And second, "what are you tinking." I will gladly and honestly answer her. But I just can't take any more veritable accusations for thinking and feeling certain ways, and then be expected to explain or defend myself, meanwhile letting it roll off me like water off of a duck's back. It's not an argument I'm having anymore.
Thanks for listening.
#MajorDepressiveDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #ADHD #Autism #BodyFocusedRepetitiveBehaviors #PathologicalDemandAvoidanceSyndrome #AutismSpectrumDisorders #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD #ASD #anhedonia #ChronicDepression #ChronicPain #SpinalStenosis #GAD #Sadness #CombinedPresentationADHD #SmilingDepression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disability #MentalHealth #Insomnia #DiabetesType2 #Diabetes #Asthma #Hypertension #Hypervigilance #nerveandjointpain #HearingLoss #Grief #generationaltrauma #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #TraumaRecovery #Trauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #MedicalTrauma #IntergenerationalTrauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #traumasurvivor #Survivor #EmotionalAbuse #ChiildhoodSexualAbuse #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #PTSD #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ChildhoodAbuse #ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #RAD #attachment #Childhoodneglect #attachmentdisorder #ChildAbuseandNeglect #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #Suicide #SuicideLossSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #suicidal #Depression #MajorDepression
Sometimes out of nowhere it hits me like the day I received the phone call. It happens randomly, I can be washing dishes, driving, watching TV or waking up. It's like a revolving horror movie and the pain is as intense as the day I first found out. #SuicideLossSurvivors #ChildLoss #PTSD #grieving #Grief
January 3, 2021 I woke up and saw on fb my best friend Marcie Elise was gone ( ; ) if you know that ; symbols then you understand I remember it’s was 9 am and my mommy was still asleep I yelled no please this can’t be true and woke her up and told her what happen she grabbed me and I cried in her arms and broke down she held me and told me baby I’m so sorry 💔😞 I wish I could of been there for her I wish she would of reached out that day the conversation we had were dark cause we both mentally was fighting through are demons weeks before she keep giving me stuff that meant alot to her I wish I should of open my eyes and see s I’m so sorry queen I love you 🕊 #Depression #SuicideAwareness #erlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #BP #SuicideLossSurvivors
#SuicideLossSurvivors Hi everyone! I’m so glad I found this group and hope I can help one person fight another day or help a survivor know you can get through this. A little bit about my story, I grew up with my amazing mother. Unfortunately she ended her life (this was about 12th attempt throughout the years) when I was only 15 years old and I found her 5 days later hanging in our basement. My life was shattered. Clearly there is so much more to the story but here I am 20 years later and I have came to terms with her decision. Trust me lots of self care, therapy, grief groups, finally getting sober (8 years now) and more. Please feel free to ask me anything. Thanks for reading everyone (PS the picture I included is 1 of the 3 I have of her, one is her and the other one is my mom and me when I was little !!! #suicide #suicidesurvivor #greif #mentalhealth #suicideloss #aftersuicideloss #depression #whatifs #guilt #missmymom #suicidesquad #suicidesucks
So much going on in my head but I don’t have the energy to type it all out. The short of it is that it is the anniversary of my uncle’s death by suicide. It hits hard every year but because of other circumstances (can’t be with family etc.) this year it’s hitting harder. I’m feeling overwhelmed (but I’m safe) and put to tears over the tiniest things. #BipolarDisorder #SuicideLossSurvivors