Today would have been my son's 31 first Birthday
31 years ago at this moment I was in the birthing room getting ready to see my first baby. I can visualize every moment like it was yesterday. I wasn't supposed to be able to have children, the doctor had told me. Every child is a miracle but for me and my husband it was a miracle. We didn't know if we were having a baby boy or a baby girl so we had picked out the names for the baby that I dreamed of being a mom since I was a child. We chose the following names, Jacob Michael or Sarah Ann. At 2:08pm I gave birth to a 5.8oz baby boy! He was Full-term and I had gaind almost 40 lbs. He was so tiny that we had to buy premature baby clothes. Eventually he gained weight and grew into the extra large feet he was born with! 😄 I can't believe my baby is no longer here. It will be 3 years on Thanksgiving when he made the decision to end his life. I wish he knew he took a part of other's lives with him. I had decided that tonight I would go out and celebrate his life. Bought now I can barely breathe and want to hide in my bed from the world. I need lots of prayers and love right now. Happy birthday my "Honey Roasted Peanut" until we meet again remember I love you and miss you even when I'm asleep. #SuicideLossSurvivors #sucide #Heartbroken
#prayers #ChildLoss #AfterSuicideLoss
I'm trying so hard to stay well
Last night or should I say weeks I can't seem to stop crying. I'm so lonely and I miss my family who has made it clear that if I showed up I wouldn't be welcomed, only my mom is there for me but she's in her 80's. I never thought I'd be alone at this age, I'm not young and suffer with disabilities so I'm finding it hard to bounce back from each blow of cruelty. I feel like I'm in a boxing ring with Muhammad Ali. Everyday something else happens, last night was the first time I actually thought about ending it all. I won't do that because I know first hand the destruction it leaves behind. Plus, I have a daughter and 2 grandchildren. Mind you, she has alienated me from her life and the grandkids too. She will call every once in awhile and just when I think it's finally over (alienated me) she disappears. It's like grieving both my children, but one is still alive. I remain hopeful but guarded. But this sadness I'm feeling lately is crippling me. #SuicideLossSurvivors #Depression #ChildLoss #Grief
Nowhere to go from here
Does anyone else have moments where you suddenly feel like you just found out for the first time that your child passed away?
I would be visiting all day!!!!
Life without my mom-suicide survivor
So much going on in my head but I don’t have the energy to type it all out. The short of it is that it is the anniversary of my uncle’s death by suicide. It hits hard every year but because of other circumstances (can’t be with family etc.) this year it’s hitting harder. I’m feeling overwhelmed (but I’m safe) and put to tears over the tiniest things. #BipolarDisorder #SuicideLossSurvivors