fightingback

Some days I win the battle but over these last few days, BPD has scored all the points. Some days BPD seems to be a bit kinder to me. Not today though and I hate to lose the fight.

Today just feels too exhausting. I hate being this blubbing, puddle of a mess when I cannot face myself and literally want to tear off my skin because it feels so uncomfortable, sore, itchy, tight, wrong. Clothes don't fit, they ride up or down, labels scratch, too tight, too loose. Bra hooks dig into skin. A wrong day that has nothing to do with skin or clothes and everything to do with my mind.

Why do I even give a damn about what the WiFi guy thinks of me? Why do I care that I was trying to explain the problem to him and he became impatient and spoke to me as if I was an idiot who understood nothing? Why do I care so much at all?

I hate wasting days feeling so horribly bad and wrong and most of all ashamed. Analysing and re-analysing every single thing I have said and done and what an idiot I actually am and no wonder people treat me like one.

I started the day optimistically. I was sure it was going to be a good day but it degenerated into a mess. I am pleased the day is nearing an end and I can now, without guilt, hide under my duvet and pretend everything is fine.

Tomorrow is going to be okay. I am sure of that. It has to be. #fightingback #hopingforhappy #watchoutbpd

Today I'm having a good energy day and I tend to fight back with it. I've been bullied by my work place with discrimination, also by the insurer who is looking at my disability claim and by occupational therapists who don't understand my condition. I have the energy today to stand up to them and write letters to appeal this process.

I have going through all the days like a sleepwalker, but I am trying to change myself, meds not working that much, putting up weight... But I have started walking in the evening.. Saw a movie with my wife.. now going out, don't know where.. But I have to fight it back.. we all have to...

Today i woke up #tired and in #physicalpain . I had a lot on my to do list today and most scary of all... the #workxmasdo . I had to socialize and be smiley and jolly when I didn't even want to get out of bed. I did it and I lasted and hour. So proud of myself for getting through it.

Even did a food shop at the super market afterwards.

My house still looks like a bomb site so I'm still feeling poo but hey ho. It's not all winning xx