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#GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder at it Again

When does it slow down?
Does it ever get tired?
Why me?
What’s wrong with me?

Ever since I was let go from my job in an email no less, the only place someone could find me is at home. I don’t go anywhere unless I absolutely have to, and even with that, Hunter my #esa dog HAS to be with me with one of my sons to keep me calm while I drive. My sons help me a lot which I’m always grateful, but I also feel guilt of having to ask them to help me with things I should be able to do myself.

If home delivery is possible and at a reasonable price, I would do that instead of saving even more money by going myself. I haven’t seen my PCP since I think October, and I haven’t been in a dentist chair close to a year. Besides my grandma and my two sons who live with me, I’m only fully comfortable being face to face with my best friend who I’ve known since we were basically in diapers, and she’s the only one I’d let come over to my house uninvited.

I get #Anxiety thinking of other uninvited guests. I get anxiety when my phone rings, or when I receive mail. I get anxiety when my mom or aunt asks me through text what’s going on with me.

I get #PTSD when random thoughts of disasters enter my mind… fire, tsunami, the mountains I live between erupting, or thoughts of what if whenever my sons want to go out (I still let them, but it annoys me that I have to tell them to text me to and from places so I know they’re okay). When I think of people I knew that passed from illnesses that were caught too late, which turns to me thinking what if it happens to me. Then to me not wanting anything to happen because I don’t ever want to leave my sons.

Having my sons changed a lot of how I think, and my #mentalwellbeing doesn’t take me to that dark place like it used to way before I became a mom. I want to stay here and see my boys excel in life and grow up to be amazing men. I want to see them have their own family… I seen too many loved ones dying to not want that happen to myself.

I’m trailing off again, so I’m going to put on soothing music and lay down with my dog Hunter… did I mention that late at night by myself, I sometimes feel alone?

Anyway… I’m always wishing for anyone dealing with similar things, wishing them #Positivity and #strength to tackle each day one at a time. #weareloved #wematter #wearenotdefinedbyourillness #EndTheStigma #mentalhealthmatters #MentalHealthAwareness

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I WON THE POETRY CONTEST 🎉🎉

I'm feeling so accomplished. I've never won anything in my entire life. So to win this, along with getting my poem published is huge for me. I'm turning my tragic story into a world of hope and inspiration. I'm finding my place in the world. I'm finally accomplishing my goal and my mission in life. I hope and pray by telling my story to the world that it's made a positive and significant difference to many lives around the world.

Coming from someone like myself, I have never believed in myself, nor did anyone in my childhood and teenage years. It was a very lonely feeling. I never knew my place in the world. But I didn't allow that to stop me. I kept pushing and pushing. I never gave up. And now look at me. I'm getting my story and all my hard work noticed, along with getting my poetry published and I won a poetry contest. So with that said, no matter what you've been through in life, never allow your past to define who you are. Keep believing in yourself! Don't allow what everyone else thinks of you to deter you from accomplishing your hopes and dreams in life!! Get your story out there and use it to impact lives all around the world.

I now know why God allowed such horrific things to happen to me. He knew and believed I would have the strength and courage to use my story as a way to help others, to be an inspiration to many around the world. He chose me. Yes granted what happened to me felt like I was living in hell but I rose above it, I used it for good. I always fall back on Romans 8:28 when I question why God allowed such horrific acts to fall upon me and defile my character and destroy my spirit. But when I read Romans 8:28, it makes complete sense. It says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

#Poetry #MentalHealth #Abuse #Survivor #strength #mystory

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Our source of strength

A sweet reminder. Downloaded from thelittleCatholic .com (spaces so as not to include the link!) #strength #Love #chronic #ChronicIllness #MentalHealth #Motivation #Inspiration #Addiction

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Grief…continues

My aunt lost her battle with cancer last week. I got a chance to see her the week before (I live in a different state). She was so happy to see me and my mom. I got to say goodbye. Glad I was able to be with her for a little bit.
The waves of sorrow ebb and flow. Having a rough time since I started working on the materials for the services. Just feeling a heaviness. Fortunately, it’s not a 24/7 thing. I’ve been focusing on helping my cousin. I can only imagine how overwhelmed she is right now.
I trust God will keep us during this season, as God has done before. We continue to push through. #Grief #BPD #Depression #suckyholidays #strength #peace

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Sometimes we need to tell ourselves to keep our patience and trust “the process” to improve.

#strength

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Every Day, Lately

Yesterday, I shared how my mornings go. Today I will elaborate on why "Every Morning" is so very exhausting.

I've been in the mental hospital more times than I would like to admit. However before that, I went to college majoring in biology and neuroscience. I wanted to understand my chronic issues and "fix me".

Unfortunately, I did not find for what I was looking. Going through several different specialists, I found some diagnosis (treatment resistant depression, generalized anxiety disorder, a circadian rhythm disorder, sleep apnea mixed in with a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder and perfectionism).

I never found a medication or medication combination that revolutionized my life. I found many coping mechanisms that helped like medication, a proper diet, journaling, blue light therapy, talk therapy, yoga, dance, deep breathing techniques, transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy (TMS), acupuncture, Chinese herbs, teas and lately, homeopathy.

However, as I alluded to earlier life happens and you are left flat broke (literally), unable to pay for most of these services. For example, due to my mental health, I had to leave graduate school and move in with my parents. My business failed, and at this point no one will hire me. My ex-husband left because he couldn't support us (along with a mental breakdown of his own). So, I am left alone, depressed, anxious, unemployed, living with my parents, picking up the pieces fighting the strong urge to just give up. Did I mention I my mornings are actually afternoons? (More on that later.)

Yes, this is officially a "Cry Me a River" post. However, that's why I joined this platform. I officially have no one to really talk to or in my case 'vent'. However, I think that is why we are all here. Am I right? Let's get all of our problems out in the open and support each other?

Well, I definitely hope that is the case because most 'normal people' look at me, when they hear my story and say, "I am praying for you". They also say, "I am sending you good vibes".

That's all very nice and appreciated but I am sincerely looking for the support and strength to keep going. I want to keep finding the good things in life, the joy, the wonder, the excitement, anything that makes my life worth living. I don't want to give into the perpetual desire to clock out of the human race. (Not that there is any guarantee things will be better on the other side, just saying.)

As Angelica Hudson says to Drew Barrymore in "Ever After" (It's a really sweet movie by the way.) "No matter how bad things may get, they can always get worse."

It's up to me to make it better and that's a hard concept to swallow. It's just me against this crazy spinning rock. :/

#Support #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #Community #Support #venting #circadianrhythmdisorder #Journaling #TMS #Acupuncture #chineseherbs #homeopathy #financiallystruggling #unemployed #Divorce #Burnout #Loneliness #Hope #strength #NeverGiveUp #onwardandupward #togetherwecan

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finding strength in my peace and silence

I'm doing better thanks to the peace I can find within. It's been two weeks I've been able to carry on like this and I feel blessed.

#peace #BPD #SocialAnxiety #Anxiety #native #silence #strength

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