I scored a great job yesterday and was excited to finally begin work again.
I made a great lunch for my self I got all prepared the night before and then.. I could not sleep... by 5 am I was awake and dressed and ready to leave... 6:05 am time to leave... #Frozen . Could not leave the house. Anxiety to the max.. I need to work. I need a life purpose.. I failed again and #Depression is now hitting me hard in return
Great day yesterday and can’t get out of bed today. It is harder for me to deal with a down day after an up day. I beat myself up. If Something worked yesterday, why won’t it work today.
I started yesterday with a meditation and it was so helpful. I finished the meditation with the goal of getting my car cleaned. I was so happy when I was able to accomplish cleaning out the mess, going to the car wash and vacuuming.
Today, I have tried meditation and I can’t get out of bed. I have had at least three big triggers since last night and I am in a state of freeze. I can hardly move.
I’m so frustrated with myself!
Frozen not flight or fight? #Frozen #Survivor #stillnotenoughhelp
Frozen, weak & tired. Over & over I try. When I get excited because I think I see a light at the tunnels end. I only realize how deep in the tunnal I am. Oh so much deeper than I thought. It feels overwheming. (for beief moments I think I see glimpses of me again but, nope not even close.) Hope is very hard to keep scrambling for & when I see glimpses of it, I start to feel sad or not care to reach it. Its beginning to feel like something unattainable. Such small pieces its not worth the effort to try to fight so hard for so little. (Sorry such a downer.)
For the first time in forever~ (Thanks #Frozen) I got to go a week day without having communication with someone from my medical team! Yay! Yesterday was peaceful- After work I went on a walk, took a very lovely bath, spruced up my hamsters cage, played Sims with my S/O and didn’t look at the updates in my medical record once.
Today it’s time to get back on the horse and I have a phone consultation with a doc later but the day of peace was needed. #PCOS may never rest but there are day that I can!
#kindnesschallenge I am being kind to myself by not being negative towards myself today on this cold day. It’s pretty frigid outside, to say the least, but I’m determined to work on some stuff today and just keep warm. Also, I’m doing yoga again today. It seems to help when I’m cooped up in the house. I am thankful for my house today. Also, I’m glad for blankets and dogs. #ThankfulTrain Time to read!
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