grayarea

I’m always told that I have to live for myself , love myself before I can be loved, but I’ve never been able to live for me or love for me. I’ve always had to find the little moments of excitement and joy to make it to the next day or even week. I’ve never been able to love myself either. Here lately I’ve noticed that I’m truly living for the next thing in life it could be a makeup purchase or it could be a concert, camping trip or ect. This has left me feeling guilty that I can’t find better reasons to live. Which makes me more depressed. Then it makes me feel unworthy and the cycle has continued again. Will it ever end? Will I ever feel okay?

I've managed fairly well since I got the news about the possible diagnosis last Thursday at my recent appointment, but today, mentally it's just too much. I'm angry that in four months we can't find a rheumatologist that can see me and that the most recent one never picks up the phone or returns my calls. I'm frustrated that my symptoms had to get this bad before anything was done. I'm worried about what having a rare autoimmune disease could possibly mean for me and my family. I'm tired of having to explain that I don't know why I'm having more worse days than good and seeing the looks of people who don't believe it. I'm scared about what's to come and if I can handle it.
I'm just at that point where I just want to know what's going on so we can move forward, even if it's just a little bit. I just want to know.

#Undiagnosed #possiblyrare #grayarea #ChronicPain #CFS #autoimmune #CheckInWithMe #parentingishard #Fibro #Arthritis #Anxiety #searchingforanswers