GriefIsntLinear

For the past few years, I dreaded Jan 24th/Jan 25 - these mark the anniversary of my biggest loss; one event 5 years ago that kept giving more things to grieve as each year passed following.
This year was different though - I didn’t remember those dates for that event, but in the weeks leading up, I felt more drained, fatigued, and depressed. Usually I realize why when Jan 24/25 arrives. Instead, I jammed packed those 2 days with tasks/chores/errands. And was relatively dissociated from what those dates mean to me and my body.

If it weren’t for a prompt in one of the Mighty groups about reflecting on 5years ago vs today, I would have carried on today as well as if my body was just more painful and sluggish for some unknown reason or the weather.
But it clicked in my head & I realized my body recognized even if my brain didn’t want to connect. While it feels like this would be progress, it feels more dissociative at this time - my body remembered & still feels the grief. Old wounds feel fresh during this timeframe. And I supposed it’s good that I have my weekly therapy session later today when having this newer grieving experience.

I’m still wondering though if this is really still me holding grief or if this is more related to my PTSD from this event?
I don’t expect anyone to have the answers - but I wanted to share my thoughts before I resume this disconnection to get my day started.
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**Edit & Update: My amazing therapist helped me identify exactly how I’ve been feeling and I am actually making progress in healing vs dissociating. It just was a new weird & unfamilar experience; I had not felt anything like this in years, if ever, and the closest I could identify it at first was it being as some level of dissociation. **

#MentalHealth #GriefIsntLinear #PTSD #Depression #Grief #Dissociation