I figured it out. After 3 months of hating myself to an extent which wasn't possible. i woke the fuck up. i figured out it wasnt my bf who i lashed out on. It wasnt the assholes who rejected me at my interview. It wasnt the drugs i put in my body. It wasnt the people i had selfishily pushed away. It wasnt my ex husband, my past rapist, my abscent father, my borderline-drug-addicted mother. It wasn't the person in the store, the friend who didnt answer my call, the television, the cellphone, my obsessive compulsive thought disorder. It wasnt the fight over what should or shouldnt. It wasnt that others couldnt live with my expectations. It wasnt being broke, it wasnt grief over the loss of my family. It wasn't my molestor It wasnt my late stepfather. It wasnt the triggers from my past. It wasnt that i had no love for myself. it wasnt complex ptsd. It wasnt the many other forms of abuse u had been through. It wasn't anyone or anything else. It was me. It was the simple understanding that i refused to see, hear, or believe. Months and days of wasted time arguing a point that never existed. Months of emotionally torturing a man, whose only mistake was loving me and trying to help. This is shit i can now regret. But you wanna know what. Like he said to me in many fights, it was never him. It was always me. Until i started uncovering what the real issue was... i didnt see a point. All of a sudden like the loud clasp of lightening hits a tree. I realized he was right. Immidately this heaviness i had been carrying started to lift. The next day i was at a total peace. I realized all of this anger these thoughts were mine. They were born out of place that was filled with my own anger, hurt, and self. I lost who i was these past months. Because i couldnt conceive that a person who pulled out of so much darkness could go back unwillingly. I was defensive and bitter. My actions were abusive, my tavtics born from a mother who was a vile-, money grubbing, abusive woman. My answer after all of these dreaded months was simply anger. And it was all because I DIDNT. I Didnt hold up to what my standards were. I didnt complete a task and for months i let it nearly ruin me. Now i have to rebuild my life, myself, and hope i can rehain his trust and devotion. If anyone is going through this situation, I hope my story helps. i hope i have provided the, missing for you. Remember it has been and always will be just you. You can do this. i have faith in , myself and you too. #intothelight . #Hope #healingbeginswithin #YouCan