Heartbreaks

I just had to let my partner for 4 years (met him when I was 20) and a child because things were getting too toxic for me. You know when you just try, try and try again to show this person how good you are but it always seems never good enough? and it never works out.. I feel like that’s the universe telling you it’s not them... if like to think the right one will accept and love me for me.

I’m hurt and sad the but I’m also exhausted emotionally and at this point I’d rather just. Wait for this to blow over and let myself heal.

I have a lot of growing to do, a lot of self understanding and self love to build on and so much experiences to live.

I don’t want to lose myself keeping up with someone else. I feel like the pain I feel now will eventually go away and my life will be ok. I’m good with things just being ok. #Heartbreaks #Healing #selfloveclub

Here we go again. Today I feel like I felt a year ago. Like again I’m in love or whatever. And I hate this. And also I feel so panicky AGAIN. Again the end of the year is approaching and so my graduation paper. I’m drowning in debts, and now feelings added. My head feels like it’s about explode. Also today for the first time in like months I had anxiety attack. And now I feel like a big weight is on my chest.
Off the topic but I understood one thing. Recently I found myself reading a lot (it’s just aus or fanfics on twitter, but I guess it could be applied to reading in general) and I know why I enjoy it so much. It’s like I forget about everything while reading, like it’s an escape from reality, I don’t feel time. But after that I usually feel so empty??? And if I’m doing work I just get distracted by my own thoughts every 5 minutes.
How on earth am I suppose to graduate this university if I’m such a mess.
#Thoughts
#Mess
#Heartbreaks
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#panicky

Dad,

I remember what you use to do to me when I was in bed. I remember the railroad tracks when we were looking for Indian arrowheads. I remember Amberly hugging me and saying it was okay, "shhh baby" when you threw mom against the bathroom window in pawpaws house and the police coming to get you.

You hit me, you lied, you manipulated my family, you molested my boundaries and it cost me so much down the road because I molested others, questioned authority my entire life and it cost me so many relationships I cared so deeply about.

I've let this hate eat me alive for years. It has festered and eaten me alive and I am done with you. One thing is certain: we will both die one day, but I will never be there to see you put into the ground. I simply refuse and I want to be happy. I seek happiness.

Goodbye to this anger and goodbye to you forever.

Your son,

Brandon