hidingmyillness

The only commitment I currently travel to and physically show up to is with my personal trainer, 3 times per week. (Thanks, COVID.)

On Thursday of last week I got some true and negative feedback from a friend that sent me into one of the biggest shame spirals of my life. I unknowingly hurt her and, through her generous feedback, realized I've been drinking to cover up the super-charged, constant and debilitating depression I've had during this pandemic. I didn't even remember what I had done to her, in front of another friend and acquaintance. Immediately, I spiralled. I am ashamed, humiliated, upset that I hurt someone so important to me and scared to realize this dependency. For days, I sobbed, couldn't eat, couldn't get out of bed and was idealizing death.

The next day I texted my personal trainer and told him I had cold symptoms and would be quarantining: my cover up for, I am in a crisis that is preventing me from showing up... I did something wreckless and irresponsible that hurt someone dear to me... I'm too ashamed to get of bed... I am terrified to acknowledge that I may have a dependency and what that means for my relationships going forward.

I realized yesterday that if I did indeed have cold symptoms, I should continue quarantining for 10 days. Part of me felt relief with this realization - 10 more days of hiding - the other, felt more guilty because that means I have to keep up this lie for another week, at least.

Do you justify lying to cover up your mental illness? Your mistakes? How do you explain absences due to reasons so personal?