passive suicidal ideation

I’m tired.

Literally every time some one asks how I am, that’s what I say. It’s simple, accurate and vague. Normally that last part is intentional as I don’t have the spoons to explain *everything.*

For once I’d like to take the time to define it. My memory sucks, constant brain fog and dissociation. I’m always taking notes as my memory is untrustworthy. So for at least the current snapshot in time, this is what I mean when I say I’m tired.

I’m tired of being in pain.

If I am awake I am most likely in pain. It’s been with me as long as I can remember. It’s a mix of illnesses and injuries. I have hyper mobile joints, and my body is constantly cracking and popping. Everything from knuckles to ribs and hips. The last Rheumatologist I had diagnosed me with fibromyalgia, but my current doctor wants me to get tested for EDS.

On the injury front I’ve broken my foot, I’ve been in five car accidents (that i remember, maybe more?) and I’ve fallen off an ATV. That I don’t recommend. Especially on a gravel driveway. My spouse will confirm - I’m always asking for a back rub and my bones are making weird noises.

I’m tired of depression and anxiety.

I have diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, ADHD, and there’s at least one other thing, but I’m going to hold off as it hasn’t been officially diagnosed. I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was a teenager, and more than my share of frequent flier miles with the grippy sock hotel and screamatorium. I won’t go into detail here but I have trauma from gun violence, and these almost daily mass shootings are amplifying my already heightened anxiety.

I’m tired of feeling like an imposter.

Am I Queer enough? Trans enough? Punk enough? Are my diagnoses mental and physical correct? Am I neurodiverse enough? Did i just trick people into thinking this is who I am?

I’m tired of having a target on my back.

I’m from a Jewish family, I’m in a same sex relationship and I’m trans. So it very much feels like half the country wants me (and people like me) disappeared or killed and, again, this only adds fuel to the bonfire that is my anxiety. As a Queer Jew(ish) person I’m aware that the Nazis started with Trans people and also, im only here writing this as my ancestors left Europe when then did. In the last month I’ve made sure my Life Insurance is paid, and up to date as well as my organ donor card. If something does happen to me, I at least want something good to come from it. This feels very real, and it’s absolutely terrifying.

I’m tired of being suicidal.

My baseline is passive suicidality. So for me one of my triggers to realise things are bad isn’t, “am I having suicidal thoughts today?” because I am everyday. My triggers have to be actively planning. And that’s dangerous as by the time you realise there is a problem you’re already in a crisis. Being on constant vigilance as you could be a danger to yourself at any point means you can’t ever fully relax. As I have a bad habit of self harming in a dissociative state this is an actual threat.

To be honest, it’s also a weird feeling suicidal while also having a real fear of being killed. Haven’t quite worked that one out yet…

I’m tired of not functioning.

I have a shitty memory. Im six months in at my job and I feel so behind and so stupid. By the time I’m home after work I’m so exhausted from trying to not fail at my job, while dealing with everything I wrote above going on at the same time. I come home and I put on comfy clothes, I get high (I have a prescription, and also shame - but that’s a different novel), I eat something, that requires low to minimal cooking, and I’m normally asleep before 10:00 pm.

I can’t remember the last time I had the energy to do laundry. The dishes only get done with any regularity as my spouse is a goddamn saint - but that isn’t fair to her. The point I’m trying to make is I’m spending all the energy I have on just existing, and that feels below the bare minimum. My depression absolutely loves when it can make me feel like a failure. And from the stack of dirty laundry on the floor, to unopened boxes from when we moved last year, to the pile of empty pill bottles that are sitting next to the bed - there is constant fuel for that fire.

I just want to be good enough. Good enough for the spouse who has taken care of me for almost a decade. Good enough for my friends. I love you, I wish I could do more. For my family, who while I love dearly I definitely feel like the black sheep of. I’m tired of feeling not good enough.

I just needed to get this out of my head. I won’t say I’m okay, cause I just re-read what I wrote (and yikes).

But I’m just tired.

#Depression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #tired #Dissociation #LGBTQIA

My wife just blew up at me. We need to communicate better, she said. She has a habit of telling me what negative thoughts I am thinking and feeling, and then adding, "well am I wrong?" to it. This is years in the making. Essentially, it happens when she asks me a question or tells me about something, and my tone of voice sounds negative to her, or my face or body language looks negative.

I have chronic pain as well as deep depression, so it is difficult for me to convincingly put on a happy face, or speak with joy in my voice. But I do try my best to speak in neutral tones at the very least, and I have thought that I have a resting face of a neutral mood or higher as much as possible.

It has been building for a long time. I am struck out of the blue most times when she tells me what I am thinking, and how unfair that is, and paints me as the bad guy and her as the innocent one. In the early days, it would just shock me, and sometimes confuse me. In the last couple of years, it just makes me angry and defensive. We've had plenty of arguments about it, but no agreement. She doesn't see it as mind reading because she says "I 'feel like' you were disgusted by what I just said, and you shouldn't be", or "I 'feel' that you think I'm stupid just because I did X, or Y". She says since she uses the word "feel", she isn't mind reading, and so it's up to me to tell her if she's right or wrong. Well, I have been telling her she's wrong for over 40 years now, and that only makes her angry and defensive. I told her time and again that I get mad when people try to read my mind and put words into my mouth. I tell her to skip saying the part about what she is so sure that I am thinking, and just ASK ME what I am thinking, instead. Ninety percent of the time, I am not only NOT thinking what she thinks I am, but I am thinking about some other subject altogether. Then when she accuses me of thinking some negative thing, it hits me out of the blue, and I register it as an insult. I asked her why she can't just ASK me what I am thinking, or ask me how I am feeling. I would welcome both of those if they were honest questions. I would feel like I was cared about. That makes perfect sense to me, but she doesn't see it that way. She says that she's just being honest, and that she IS asking me how I feel, or what I am thinking, when she tells me what she feels like I am thinking. We can't get past that. So she got louder and more accusatory, and then angrily walked out.

I don't know what to do. I am battling Major Depressive Disorder, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and severe Chronic Pain. I am doing the very best that I can. I am on disability, and I fill my days and evenings reading books on my various diagnoses, learning as much as I can, so that I can better control, or adapt, or adjust to the reality of my life, and I do feel good about that. I have tried to share some of this with her, both verbally, and by sharing articles with her via email. She seems stand-offish about it, at best. When I ask her outright if she wants to learn more, she swears she does, but she has a life, therefore she just doesn't have the time or energy to read much about it. I told her a few minutes ago that I will stop burdening her with it, and will stop sending her articles and such. She rebuffed that idea, but added again that she just doesn't have the time. She said she is doing the best that she can in trying to deal with all my problems, and she doesn't have the energy or the will to do it any more. She's "had it."

She came back and brought up another time recently that I was unreasonable, saying that she had told me something about her job, and I had reacted with sarcasm and disgust. I remember it well. It was just the opposite. She told me that her employer was giving $50 bonuses to anyone who got a Covid booster shot, and I responded "wow, that must be nice. Go ahead and do that." She and I both agree that that's all that I said. But she says I was being sarcastic, and spit the words out like venom, and I thought it was disgusting. I remember calmly saying those words, genuinely happy for her to get $50 just for getting a shot that we both were going to get anyway. The difference, more than likely, was the fact that during the time that she was unwinding after work and telling me bonus, as well as about the rest of her day, I was in a pit of depression, and I was in a ton of physical pain from my legs and my back. I know that had to have affected the tone of my voice, the look on my face, and my body language. But I don't talk about the pain, because it would sound whiney and redundant. I was just sitting there listening to her, and I thought I answered appropriately and honestly. Anyway, that night, after I had answered her, she responded by telling me what (she believed) I was thinking and feeling, and she wanted to know what my response was. My response was "that's not an argument I am willing to have right now." To me, I was angry that "it" was happening again, and I could argue about it like so many times before, or I could choose not to. I chose not to argue. To her, I had just insulted her, and said she isn't worth arguing with, and since I had not argued, then what she had thought about me must indeed be true.

If (and when) she "reads my mind" again, and assigns various negative thoughts and feelings to me, we could bypass all of this trouble if she could just hold those 'mind-read thoughts' inside, and just ask me two simple questions, instead. First, "how are you feeling?" And second, "what are you tinking." I will gladly and honestly answer her. But I just can't take any more veritable accusations for thinking and feeling certain ways, and then be expected to explain or defend myself, meanwhile letting it roll off me like water off of a duck's back. It's not an argument I'm having anymore.

Thanks for listening.
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